Last night I decided to answer my craving for crab. The local Nugget Market had whole dungeness crab on sale, so I headed over after work. I love this store.... I usually head immediately down the cheese aisle. You've got to love a store that has a full time cheese expert waiting to meet your every cheese need. I picked up some Argentine Parmesan and Manchego. Since I needed time to marinate my steak (Surf and Turf was the goal) I decided to get a move on and pick up my crab. As I approached the fish counter, I saw a group of women waiting to be served. All but one were patiently waiting their turn. We had a beast in the pack.... (anyone remember Ursula the Sea Witch from The Little Mermaid?)
In an over exaggerated manner, she shifted her rather substantial girth from one leg, then the other, rattled her keys quite loudly, tapped her perfectly manicured nail on the handle of her grocery cart and then sighed for the benefit of the gentleman behind the fish counter. Finally, she could no longer be satisfied with her passive aggressive body language and decided to verbalize her frustration. "Excuuuse me. Isn't there someone else that can help us? Or, do you mean to tell me that you are the only one working here?" I must give credit to our fish steward. He was apologetic and kindly explained that his co-worker was on a lunch break and he would help us all as quickly as possible. The beast would not be tamed... "What? Who the hell goes on a lunch break at 5:00 in the evening?" I wanted to answer her question...."Those not fortunate enough to have a 9-5 job", but I was afraid. She was double my size and in a piss-poor mood. It was the first time that I was gratefully for not being a size 2. Finally, the fish steward waited on the beast. She wanted four crab, oh yeah, "And I would like them cracked and cleaned" I could actually see his face grimace as he had to informed her that this would be an additional $2.00 a pound for the crack and clean. I swear I heard the beast snarl.... "The other man that works here did it for me and didn't charge me. Are you new or something?" (I have been going to this market for the better part of two years....this guy was definitely NOT new) Again, he apologized but explained that this is what they charged for the service. She looked to the rest of us for support.... We all became completely enthralled with the ground, the ceiling, the salami display. Don't make eye contact...you may turn to stone. Once she realized that her attack was not gaining her any allies, the switch flipped and she slapped the phoniest smile on her mug and graciously said, "Oh, no problem, I will crack and clean them at home". Telepathically I was sending a message to the fish steward...quick, wrap up the crab and send the beast on her way...don't even think of asking her if she would like anything else...please, I beg of you. After he handed her the crabs, her voice went through a metamorphosis. In a syrupy sweet beauty pageant voice she said, "Thank you so much and have a wonderful evening". However, she didn't quite pull it off...she ended her sentence with just the barest touch of sarcasm and then walked away. As I watched the distance between us and the beast became larger and larger, I started to sing a song in my head, "One crab, two crab, three crab, four, say a loving goodbye to the miserable whore"