Monday, January 25, 2010

Never too late to be a cliché…

Okay, so I hate those ‘starting over’ posts that we write after a significant event has occurred. However, I find myself writing one despite my contempt. Unfortunately, it must be done to take care of the business at hand which is the resurrection of my blog. Graham and I ended our relationship this weekend. At this point, I am not willing to go over the details because they are just that, details. In the end, it’s over.

I am a couple of months away from my 41st birthday and if you had asked me when I was 18 where I might be at this point in my life…my answers may have been varied, but I don’t think they would have included this. To put it bluntly, it sucks. Not the flowery prose I would prefer to use, but it’s a genuine expression of my feelings. And no, I will not be negative about the ex in a desperate attempt to make myself feel better. Nope, there is no way around this part; I just have to ride it out.

But an incredible thing happened as a result of the events of this weekend. I found that I have the most amazing friends and family. They rallied around me, loved me, feed me, held me tight and reminded me that Graham is not the last man I will ever love. He was a great one, but not the last one. Sometimes when you are knee deep in Kleenex, you forget that.

And one last thing I discovered this weekend…there are a lot of fucking internet dating commercials on TV. There ought to be a law or at least a button on your remote to make them disappear.

I’m just saying…

Thursday, January 14, 2010

I didn't title this post...frankly, I wasn't that into it. I usually pride myself on what I think are witty titles...some little pun or alliteration that makes me smile inside. Today, I got nothing....seriously.

However, this little blog that I started when I was bored, lonely and sad morphed into an outlet that got me through a very unhappy time in my life. And now, I am a more rounded person, with more interests, more friends, more things to do and see and I have neglected my friend, the blog, that got me through all the rough times.

My friend Bob was surprised at my honesty and frankness...and was surprised that I would share such personal things about myself, my family, my friends. I have been writing for as long as I can remember and one of my professors gave me the only advice that he felt could benefit a writer...the need to be truly open and honest if you want to really communicate...about ANYTHING.

So at times, this blog has push that the limit. And I know that when you write about your feelings, there will be times when you hurt people...not intentionally, but honesty can really hurt. If you know me or have read my blog in the past, you will know that I am the only child of two addicts; one alcoholic and one with a proclivity to prescription drugs. Much of my life was about lying...not about honesty. You see, I had to get sober too...not from a substance, but from the addicts, my parents. And in recovery you learn that lying is part of the addiction. It's actually one of the foundations and in order to survive, be it an addict or an enabler, you must be able to live an unauthentic life. Getting beyond this means that you have to be really honest about where you come from and why you do what you do.

I know that I will never have all my shit together. You don't live through the life that I live through and come out unscathed. And if you think you can, you need to check that at the door, because it is not possible. You are the product of that life; good, bad and all that is in between.

So, you are probably wondering what is the point of this post. The point is really for me...I need to continue this process. This blog was started because I needed an outlet and even though I am in a happier place, I still need an outlet...don't we all? Although I have a love/hate relationship with this blog, I really do enjoy the process, maybe not the responsibility, but the process.