Friday, December 19, 2008

Twelve Steps...

Step One: We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable

I am obsessed. Yes, and for once, it does not revolve around the holy trinity of coffee, vodka and Patrick Dempsey. I am a products junkie. To be more precise, I am a beauty product junkie. And like any good addict, I have learned to acquire beyond my means and I have acquired quite A LOT…not junk, but the good stuff! Case in point, my bathroom, and the hall closet, and another hall closet, and the spare bedroom/office and my purse, and my ALWAYS fully packed Samsonite toiletry bag (for those impromptu weekends), and my car, and my cubicle at work and the list goes on and on; all of these places are either packed or close to being packed with all my purchases, those planned and those purchased on impulse. Impulse buys are like one night stands…totally wrong, completely delicious and will most likely involve a walk of shame. I even have some products delivered right to my front door on a regularly scheduled basis, thank you Philosophy. Normally, I do not acknowledge much less address my addiction. But the other day, it stared me straight in the face.

I do my very best to stay away from my church…or my churches; Ulta and Sephora. One cannot succumb to the seduction of one’s passions, if not in the vicinity to do so… And if one does succumb the rationalization is easy... For it is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. Words that every good Catholic lives by…

Since I refuse to step foot in a mall during the month of December, I elected to go to ULTA. ( I am currently researching religions that don’t require me to go into debt to add wrapped boxes under a tree that was planted for the sole purpose to be chopped down and drugged into my home…all this in the name of someone’s birthday…I’m just saying) Anyway, I went to ULTA under the pretense that I was nearly out of the BEST product in the whole world, Smashbox’s Photofinish. There it was, in a convenient boxed set at $15.00 over the normal price for the addition of two other products that I didn’t even know that I needed until I walked in the door. And for my purchase, they gave me a gift valued at $22.00; my biggest addiction, lipstick. Oh yeah, being bad feels oh so good… Thank you, Ulta, thank you. While there, I picked up the world’s best lash curler, brow tech wax, a sample of perfume and some other bibble bobble that I could not live without which was promptly placed in my basket. $90 or so dollars later, I left excited as a schoolgirl to get home and “play” with my purchases.

So, the other day I was cleaning house and went to the bathroom to finally put my new precious babies away in the drawer when I realized there wasn’t any room. What? How can this be? Let me see, if I take out these two shower gels and put them in the shower… Oh, wait…there are already 7 different shower gels there. Well, let me just put them on the back shelf of the tub…oh wait, there are already 4 different bottles of shampoo and conditioner. Okay, well I will just put it in the bath basket… No, no I won’t. You guessed it; the micro-dermabrasion set, various shaving creams, bath salts, sugar scrubs and bath oils are all living there. Fine, I will just put them in the hall closet…this, the closet that currently houses 2 full sets of the skincare line that I use, 5 backup bottles of Bath and Body anti-bacterial hand soaps in various scents, guest soap bars, back up toothbrushes and toothpastes, and 2 HUGE unopened bath baskets I won for enduring some god awful bridal shower at Luau Gardens…scary!

What can I say? I enjoy being a girl…my body is my temple and I pay it the attention that it deserves. Isn’t that what Jesus said or something like that??? I really need to place the blame entirely where it belongs, my mother and her immortal words... “A man does not want an unkempt woman”. See, all her fault.

However, despite my mother’s lack of contrition for her part in all this, I realized that I may need some serious help. I have beauty products in every nook and cranny of my home, my life. I had actually hid some and forgot and then later “found” when they came crashing down on my head when I was cleaning out the office closet. Sensuality Jasmine Vanilla body wash can give a mighty nasty bump on one’s head. Seriously, I could never wash, moisturize, condition or make up myself as much as it would take to use up every product I currently owned. In fact, it is quite possible that if any of these items were purchased on credit, I may still be paying for them.

Hello, my name is Michelle and I am a beauty product-aholic. I have been an addict for nearly 40 years.

Hi Michelle, welcome.


6 comments:

Kitt said...

Aha! You must be the baby they swapped me for. Mom's always trying to get me jazzed up on products, in vain.

If you can bear to part with any of it, women's shelters will often welcome donations of toiletries.

doggybloggy said...

there is hope with soap....just repeat that over and over again...

buffalodick said...

I'm glad you're a girl! I'm really glad I'm not! Soap, shampoo, deodorant, a little after shave, and I'm good to go...

TavoLini said...

hahahaha!! Go on with it--embrace the addiction :) I mean, life is short, eh?

Sornie said...

I like the twist of Christmas essentially celebrating a birthday. Let's just cut all the crap, debt, worries and hassle and have a damn cake instead.

Tanya Kristine said...

ha ha! well written. and this coming from someone who uses Mitchum (albeit rarely) becuase it's good enough to scare off B.O. for another day!