Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Morta what???

First off…I must say that although he drives me absolutely crazy, I do love my father. However, most alcoholics are not lovable, or adorable, or even tolerable. And ever since my mother passed away in 2006, my father has been the proverbial thorn in my ass. He’s retired, owns a blind, ill-tempered Chihuahua, has no friends that I am aware of and has managed to alienate the majority of his family and my mother’s family. You guessed it….that leaves dear old me. My father is a BIG fan of the drink and dial and he will call several times in a very short period. I never answer these calls. I just don’t have it in me… Of course, my father will leave messages…many messages thick tongued with brandy, rambling and long. I guess in my way of dealing with having an alcoholic parent, I find many of these messages down right funny. I know what you are thinking. It’s sad, it’s a cry for help, it’s serious. Yes, it is all these things but it’s also NEVER going to change. In the 39 years I have been on this planet, it has always been this way. Humor is my way of coping and so I occasionally save these messages…. Recently I received this message at 12:30 am:

Dad: Hey schweetheart this is dad…I know yooour not gonna anshwer.

My internal response: Nothing gets by him…

Dad: I bought a mortabello mushroom and your mom told me how to cook it but I forgot.

My internal response: Is there a new strain of mushroom? Did he just buy the mushroom at 12:30 in the morning or did he just decide to cook it? Is my dad smoking pot now???

Dad: Udder than that, itsh not reeally important… jussh want to find out if youreallright, your healths and everything.

My internal response: Sleep deprivation is my current health issue. Could be related to the drink and dial calls I receive….

Dad: I’m good.

My internal response: I just bet you are…




10 comments:

pinknest said...

lol!!! i'm sorry, but i too enjoy this very much. i'm going to start referring to them as mortabellos.

doggybloggy said...

me too and their genetuc cousins the portadellas.....good grilled I hear.

doggybloggy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sornie said...

It is a sad situation but the transcript made me laugh.

buffalodickdy said...

With us it's my never-married brother in law. Nice guy, smart guy, but after a noseful he usually wants to talk to somebody on the phone... Lonely guy, too...

Tanya Kristine said...

god that is funny. i got to hear it...it's all true.

Joe said...

Too funny - in a sad way. My father is an alcoholic, too, though he's been (sporadically) on the wagon for a while now. Sadly, it appears that most of his personality was alcohol fueled, so now it's like talking to a 138 year old man.

Isn't humor a great coping mechanism?

SSC said...

That is very sad, I feel sorry for you. Only because I know that it hurts you to see your father like that. My father is alcoholic but he stopped over 29 years ago. Sometimes I wish with his temper he would have a drink!!!

Carrie™ said...

I was in a relationship with an alcoholic for 6 years and it's really tough sometimes. Some days I couldn't take it and would stay with friends and would end up getting calls like that. I ran into him a while ago. He doesn't look so good, has some health issues and is still telling the same lame jokes as before. Nothing you say or do can make them stop. It's something only they can do themselves. Having said all that, I gotta urge to cook up some mortabellos.

T. said...

Oh man, it's not that different with me, except my dad did it in reverse. He gradually drank less and less until he became a stone cold teetotaler and THAT was when he became really intolerable and drove everyone away. All the family and his old friends reminesce fondly on his alcoholic days.