Morta what???

First off…I must say that although he drives me absolutely crazy, I do love my father. However, most alcoholics are not lovable, or adorable, or even tolerable. And ever since my mother passed away in 2006, my father has been the proverbial thorn in my ass. He’s retired, owns a blind, ill-tempered Chihuahua, has no friends that I am aware of and has managed to alienate the majority of his family and my mother’s family. You guessed it….that leaves dear old me. My father is a BIG fan of the drink and dial and he will call several times in a very short period. I never answer these calls. I just don’t have it in me… Of course, my father will leave messages…many messages thick tongued with brandy, rambling and long. I guess in my way of dealing with having an alcoholic parent, I find many of these messages down right funny. I know what you are thinking. It’s sad, it’s a cry for help, it’s serious. Yes, it is all these things but it’s also NEVER going to change. In the 39 years I have been on this planet, it has always been this way. Humor is my way of coping and so I occasionally save these messages…. Recently I received this message at 12:30 am:

Dad: Hey schweetheart this is dad…I know yooour not gonna anshwer.

My internal response: Nothing gets by him…

Dad: I bought a mortabello mushroom and your mom told me how to cook it but I forgot.

My internal response: Is there a new strain of mushroom? Did he just buy the mushroom at 12:30 in the morning or did he just decide to cook it? Is my dad smoking pot now???

Dad: Udder than that, itsh not reeally important… jussh want to find out if youreallright, your healths and everything.

My internal response: Sleep deprivation is my current health issue. Could be related to the drink and dial calls I receive….

Dad: I’m good.

My internal response: I just bet you are…

Continued confirmation of my laziness

Scene: Very cold Saturday morning at home

Characters: Me (nursing a MONSTER headache) and my two pups

Outfits: Me, a very old, much worn, practically see-thru tank top paired with skimpy (they were a few sizes ago[1]) cotton drawstring shorts complete with a large bleach spot down the front. One word, SEX. Pups, fur coats as usual…

The three of us (Nadine, Jerry Lee and myself) are all bundled on the couch under our fleece blankey watching a Cold Case marathon and munching on popcorn. From outside I can hear the mail being dropped in our mail box. Now, my dilemma. Do I go out in my "barely there" outfit and run the risk of someone seeing me, a neighboor, a friend...George Clooney? Or, do I throw on a pair of yoga pants and a sweatshirt? Of course, this would require that I go ALL the way down the hallway, rummage in the closet and the dresser and ultimately the laundry basket because I am incapable of folding much less putting away my clean clothes. Oh yeah, might have forgot to mention that it looked like I styled my hair with a hand mixer…think Amy Winehouse.

Fuck it; the mail box is 5 feet from my front door. So as I defiantly head out my front door, I come face to face with my next door neighbor. He received some of our mail in error…something I am sure he is truly unhappy about, now. So far, this laziness thing isn’t working out so well.

[1] Women can discern the age of an item of clothing by its size

Happy New Year??????

I failed to follow through with a timely New Year’s post… Unfortunately, I find myself living in the House of Flues… Craig was struck down on Christmas day (did I mention that Christmas dinner consisted of Chinese takeout?). He remained that way until Saturday…just in time for me to take my turn…I had succumbed Friday evening. Although, when I went to stock up for my Flupalooza Weekend, I did find out that a 750 ml (about 26 ounces) bottle of EJ brandy at $5.99 is more potent and costs less than two 10 ounce bottles of Nyquil at $3.99 each, but best of all… the brandy can be purchased at the local Rite Aid along with cans of chicken soup, Kleenex, cough drops, decongestant and Tylenol…how convenient! Time to get my party on....

Flupalooza Supplies

Come Monday, we felt a bit better and tried to salvage our New Year’s celebration…which had to take place at the wine bar since Craig had to work. Too much, too soon for Monday brought on the second half of my flu…bronchitis and a cough. YEAH! Then Craig came down with the stomach flu sometime in the wee hours of Wednesday morning and we remained in a state of illness for the next two days. Whoever was less sick than the other played nurse…however, at times we had found it difficult to determine just who that was…

Finally, I couldn’t take it any longer. Not only did I find out that I have in fact seen every episode of Forensic Files, but my brain had turned to mush from a week long marathon of America’s Next Top Model (ANTM). Was anyone aware that Tyra Banks is the anti-christ?? I resorted to ANTM after re-watching the last two seasons of Weeds and the first season of Californication. (Damn you, WGA strike!) The final nail in the coffin was the police raid and 5150 hold of Britney Spears on Thursday night, interrupting all broadcasts and forcing the Iowa caucus to retreat to the backseat in the news. I was afraid that if I remained bedridden armed with a TV remote for even one more day, I wouldn’t be able to string a comprehensive sentence together…and I was slowly dying of ennui. So, I decided to return to work on Friday.

It was a small return, but I felt it would be easier to settle back in when I knew that I was off for the next three days. However, I picked the day that the “Perfect Storm” hit the area. 65-70 mph winds with cold,face-stinging rain. Driving into work that morning was apocalyptic as my car was pummeled with debris…the streets were mostly deserted as the majority of people had the good sense to stay home. 60 year old trees were knocked down like toothpicks. At one point the airport grounded all flights, some highways were closed due to the inability of big rigs to remain upright causing pile up after pile up, thousands of people lost power (and as of this post, many are still in the dark), light-rail lost power and left passengers stranded to fend for themselves and rain pelted the area so hard that we had flash floods throughout the valley. I live in a part of California that isn’t known for extreme weather…excessive dry heat I can do, near hurricane winds, soooo not my thing. Yeah, good idea Michelle…perfect day to return. The powers that be allowed us to leave work early so we could navigate our way home while we still had daylight. Driving through my neighborhood was eerie and somewhat sad. Dogs were running wild and scared after their fences were knocked down. I tried in vain to get two of them in my car, but they were so freaked out that they just took off down the street. What a way to end the week...

Jerry checking out the storm

The storm's aftermath....

And Jerry Lee added to my continued pain and suffering by shredding his mother's Victoria's Secret socks she received for Christmas...

Jerry's sock fettish aftermath...

So, today is Wednesday and we are still coughing and sniffling but we are almost back to 100 percent thanks to Chinese takeout, EJ brandy, Forensic Files, Britney Spears, America’s Next Top Model, The Winter Storm of 2008 and Jerry Lee. Looks to be an interesting year…