Whatever will be will be...

So, the California Lottery was up to $72 million dollars.... Over the last week Tanya and I would expound on how we would spend our new found fortune. It is always fun to dream and to think of life as we never would under normal situations... So, we purchased our tickets and held out a very distant and ridiculous hope that we would be drowning in our well-deserved jackpot.

Sunday morning came and I found myself running around trying to get myself out the door on time to meet a friend for lunch at a local wine bar. I was desperately rummaging through my purse trying to locate the lottery ticket I had purchased on Friday. Before heading out the door, I dug through my purse at least five times and could not find my ticket. I had some horrible image in my head that some "Joe Dirt" character had found my "winning" ticket and was being interviewed on the evening news with my good fortune. I checked out the numbers on the Internet....( I would have paid for lunch and a couple of cases of wine if I was the BIG winner). Unfortunately, I did not win, but I could not help myself on checking out the results of the game.... There was only one winning ticket...purchased in Sacramento, less than 5 miles from my home. OMG! What if I had gone there??? Granted, I didn't even know where this liquor store was located... But, what if???? Immediately, I felt cheated. But then I remember the mantra I have utter a thousand and one times.... "if it is meant to be, then it will be....whatever will be, will be...etc, etc. Maybe I am never meant to experience that kind of life... Maybe there is some other plan for me.... Either way, I could kiss my dream house in Mendocino goodbye....my vacation to Spain, my culinary journey to Europe, my animal rescue, the ultimate dinner party with my dream guests (dead and alive..hell, I am dreaming..they can be those of the departed ....) I could go on and on. That is not to say that I won't have these things in the future, but as to their immediate materialization, I would need to dream another day....

I talked to my father at great length this evening about regrets and sadness and ultimately peace. We both loved a woman that could never really be reached...my mother. After I hung up the phone, I considered all that I had lost when my mother died last year. I would have gladly given away all of the 72 million dollars for one coherent and meaningful moment with my mother. One moment where we were completely honest and open.... I can never have that moment. All the money in the world can't give you what you need the most and it is different for everyone. What I wouldn't give for just one more moment in the kitchen with my mom, laughing and rolling out tortillas without a care in the world ...

So, now as I write this blog and look at the clock , I realize that I need to head to bed. Tomorrow is a work day and I remember that I have to ready myself for a big meeting and field the many questions asked of me on a daily basis. With each day I hope that I am here for a purpose (and that lottery winnings have little to do with why I am here) But, the biggest hope I have is...that I one day I actually know my purpose. One day, the clarity comes and all the other bullshit is pushed to the side as I truly see the path, my path.