Thursday, September 17, 2009


Prologue: Yes, I haven’t posted in a loooong time and yes I have many excuses reasons for my absence. But I won’t list them or use them. I am just going to post and let the chips fall where they may.

So, when I last left off, I had started a new chapter in my life. I broke up with my boyfriend, moved out on my own (all on my own; no dogs, no man in residence, just me and my stuff), and started dating a new man, Graham. And my family had a couple of losses this year, my Uncle Joe and my Aunt Dolores….so much in such a short amount of time. And so much of it has been good. My life is completely different than it was a year ago, but somehow, I am still the same person. Crap! How did that happen? Wasn’t I supposed to grow and evolve; have some epiphany that would bring me to nirvana? So, this gets me to the title of the post…doormat.

Am I still a doormat? Do I expect/demand that I am treated well by EVERYONE in my life or do I still give them full access to behave however they like? I am afraid that I haven’t been able to change this little nugget. And really, I only have myself to blame. I am a people pleaser, peacemaker, enabler…many labels and none of them Gucci. And let me say that for the most part, the people in my life are kindhearted, generous and loving. But that still doesn’t mean that I don’t want to change this facet of my personality. I really do envy people that can stand strong and demand nothing less than the best for themselves.

And for the record, I am completely aware that this all can be traced back to my parents. Yes, when you are the only child of addicts, you will become co-dependent, you will enable bad behavior, you will clean up the messes and hide the evidence, you will blame yourself for things you have no control over and you will spend the rest of your life with this knowledge. It is my baggage. And over the years, I have done my best to try to face it head on and get beyond it…but much of it is learned behavior. It’s like trying to write with your left hand when you are right handed. It’s unnatural and it’s frustrating and you find yourself going back to what you know; familiarity is comfort.

Recently, with some people, I have had to deal with this issue…yet again. Sometimes, I wish that I had the balls to say,

“Fuck it. You call me when you have figured out the RIGHT way to speak to me. Until then, consider me dead to you.”

So far, the balls have managed to elude me, but the dicks of the world have not.

Case in point…about a month ago I did manage to be extremely direct with someone, balls to the walls, no backing down…however, did I mention it was at work, in front of people, many people? Not my proudest moment…

My goal is somewhere between Mother Theresa and Mary Queen of Scots. So, rather than go back into therapy and subject myself to uncomfortable silence with my therapist, I am offering to you, my fellow bloggers, an opportunity to be my armchair analysts and let the opinions, suggestions, and ‘constructive’ criticism flow. .

1 comment:

buffalodick said...

You are only a doormat if you "lay down". A hard lesson I learned is to gather enough data to be completely in the right when you speak up. Pick your battles.. don't bitch about toilet paper, complain forcefully when it is really an important issue!
Always remember- the people who attack are usually insecure or arrogant.. if you run, they will chase you. Learn not to blink. Learn not to flinch. Learn the word "no". You're smart and you know all the things I've said are true. I guess I'd better get you a medal for bravery- it sure worked on the Cowardly Lion! Good to see you back!