Sometimes, I feel like an island. And the older I get, the truer that statement becomes. Very few people are close to me and it breaks my heart, but that is how it is. When I am hurt by others I take it in and then go…quiet. One of my friends said, “When Michelle is unhappy with you, she will retreat and then go silent”. This is so utterly true, that until she said it, I had no idea. I still put myself out there and take the risk, but as I get older, my willingness to do so has greatly diminished.
Yesterday was a really really hard day for me and it was one of those island days. I haven’t spoken to my father since his last incident and yesterday found me at the precipice of should or shouldn’t I. Ultimately, I didn’t call him. It was the first time in my whole life that I failed to recognize my father on this day. And I cried (huge hyperventilating sobs). My face stung from all my tears…I missed my mom and I missed my dad and I was just enormously sad. But, I just felt that if I had reached out, he would continue to hurt me and I know that I can’t deal with that anymore…In reality, I had no choice; it was him or me.
My family didn’t call…I didn’t expect them to, hell, maybe I did. No one called. The day was silent. Craig was at a loss on what to do for me; my family issues are way beyond what he has ever seen or experienced. I felt very alone. And even if my cousin weren’t on vacation, she may have given me some tough love which is understandable but was the last thing that I needed. So, I did my laundry for work, made sure my things were gathered for the next day, set my alarm and it was business as usual…quiet. So, this little island was battered and sad, but strong. I did not buckle, I did not do what was expected, I did not like it, but even if my dad has not hit rock bottom, I have.