Monday, June 16, 2008

growing up and hitting bottom

Sometimes, I feel like an island. And the older I get, the truer that statement becomes. Very few people are close to me and it breaks my heart, but that is how it is. When I am hurt by others I take it in and then go…quiet. One of my friends said, “When Michelle is unhappy with you, she will retreat and then go silent”. This is so utterly true, that until she said it, I had no idea. I still put myself out there and take the risk, but as I get older, my willingness to do so has greatly diminished.

Yesterday was a really really hard day for me and it was one of those island days. I haven’t spoken to my father since his last incident and yesterday found me at the precipice of should or shouldn’t I. Ultimately, I didn’t call him. It was the first time in my whole life that I failed to recognize my father on this day. And I cried (huge hyperventilating sobs). My face stung from all my tears…I missed my mom and I missed my dad and I was just enormously sad. But, I just felt that if I had reached out, he would continue to hurt me and I know that I can’t deal with that anymore…In reality, I had no choice; it was him or me.

My family didn’t call…I didn’t expect them to, hell, maybe I did. No one called. The day was silent. Craig was at a loss on what to do for me; my family issues are way beyond what he has ever seen or experienced. I felt very alone. And even if my cousin weren’t on vacation, she may have given me some tough love which is understandable but was the last thing that I needed. So, I did my laundry for work, made sure my things were gathered for the next day, set my alarm and it was business as usual…quiet. So, this little island was battered and sad, but strong. I did not buckle, I did not do what was expected, I did not like it, but even if my dad has not hit rock bottom, I have.




11 comments:

Carrie™ said...

(((((HUGS))))) Such a tough decision to make. In the end, you have to think of yourself and what's best for you. You've tried and if the other party isn't willing, what's the point? As tough as it may be, you eventually have to say enough is enough. I've done it with family members. Does it still bother me? Hell yes! But no communication has come from the other end and to me that speaks louder than words. You're a strong woman, Michelle. You'll make it.

Tanya Kristine said...

i've had a suprisingly hard time too. saturday night janet asked me if i wanted to go to Father's day with her and i'm like HELL NO because i'm not fond of family stuff. then she asked me if i was okay about fathers day and it made me ask myself; was i okay? of course i saod "Of course!" becuase why cry? but i teared up. and this mroning i was listening to Pink Floyds "Wish you were Here" and the lyrics went "How i wish...how i wish you were here. we're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year...what have we found, the same old fears. wish you were here"....okay...i'm tearing up again.

Tanya Kristine said...

oh and you're right to not contact your dad i think. UNLESS you can turn to stone and not let his behaviors affect you...one thing you CAN be sure, is his behavior will continue. but you cannot feel bad when he dies...remember that.

buffalodickdy said...

Something I learned a fairly long time ago, is that being mad (or sad) only affects YOU negatively. I have to say that if my sons ever didn't call or see me on purpose, I would be hurt- and I would try and find out what I did to make them that upset with me. Until he figures out why you don't call, go on with your life and don't feel bad about it.

deb said...

Gulp. My dad has passed like tk's but 12 years ago this year. I did not think about him this year on FTHS DAY. I usually think of him on his B-day or the day he died 8-23. this year my heart ached for my guy, his spoiled boys did not call their dad & i emailed them their new assholes.

I retreat too and that scares me about myself. Relationships are hard, scarry but we have to remember each person we meet is there for a purpose and for certain amount of time. some forever, some not so long.

You're a good girl Michelle. I do not know you but can tell your heart is good. Guilty feelings are a waste of time. Hang in there.

Joe said...

Wow. I'm sorry to hear of your pain, and I can only hope that it's abated somewhat since you posted.

My father seems to be similar to yours in many ways. After much debate I called him on Sunday, and I was relieved to get the answering machine.

doggybloggy said...

my father called me....I held out, and while we dont have the same problem - you and I - I still have issues with my dad and he with me.

SSC said...

You are much stronger than I am. I am very proud of you and I am sending you a virtual HUG!!!!!!

Sully Sullivan said...

Sometimes you have to stand alone. I relied on others for my happiness for a good portion of my life and gradually I came to realize that sometimes, being "the island" isn't as bad as it may seem. There's strength in having the option to not be alone and still choosing it. I admire your courage. There have been many times when I've taken the other option.

SSC said...

I am stopping by to say Hi and I miss reading your posts. I hope you are okay and I can say WE ALL MISS YOU!!!!

VE said...

I have one word for you: chocolate