celebration

We celebrated Craig's birthday on Sunday. We decided to stay home, make a great meal, consume some wine and not worry about the need for a designated driver. The menu was the birthday boy's choice and he requested halibut. However, since Craig is a master with seafood, I asked that he prepare the house seafood specialty. Normally this preparation is done with salmon or scallops.

Off I went on Sunday morning to pick up the halibut and run a few other errands. First stop was the local natural foods co-op. My plan was to stop at the Japanese food market for the halibut, but laziness started to creep in and I almost bought the halibut at the co-op. I decided to stay with my plan. Good think I did! When I got to Oto's, the halibut was $10.00 off a pound...normally in these parts, fresh wild halibut is $24.00 a pound and I got this for $14.00 a pound...awesome! Since I saved so much on the halibut, I decided to pick up some sashimi grade tuna to make an appetizer that would pair perfectly with a glass of bubbly.

Before Craig headed out on his birthday bike ride, he prepared the halibut. The preparation consists of garlic and ginger put through a garlic press, one thinly sliced dried Thai chili, fresh basil, lemon zest, kalbi marinade and a sprinkling of brown sugar. We let that rest on the fish until we were ready to grill.



While he was out, I made the appetizer; Tuna Tartartinis with Avocado.



We placed the halibut on a disposable vented aluminum pan and roasted in our gas BBQ on low heat with the middle burner off. The piece of halibut that we had was approximately one and a half pounds and took about 20 minutes to cook. We served it with brown rice...and of course, more wine. All and all, a great birthday!



Tuna-tinis with Avocado

3 tablespoons of Ponzu (citrus soy sauce)
1 tablespoon rice wine vinegar
1 1/2 teaspoon wasabi paste
3/4 teaspoon dark sesame oil
1 green onion finely chopped
8 ounces of sashimi grade tuna cut into 1/3 inch cubes
1 avocado, halved, pitted and cut into 1/3 inch cubes
black sesame seeds
green onion stalks

Mix the first five ingredients into a bowl to blend. Add tuna and avocado and gently fold into the dressing to completely coat. This can be done 2 hours ahead. Spoon into serving dishes or chilled martini glasses and garnish with sesame seeds and onion stalks.

friday night

I was reading Debby's blog yesterday and she had prepared a yummy looking dinner that included lamb chops finished with gremolata. And after that, I couldn't get it out of my mind. So after work, I headed to the store to pick up some items for the weekend and the gremolata was in the forefront of my mind. The store had some beautiful sirloins and of course, a few great wine deals. For my gremolata I added some basil from our garden along with the garlic, parsley, and lemon zest. I rubbed the gremolata over the steaks with some olive oil, sea salt and ground pepper. The steaks rested at room temperature for an hour before we threw them on the grill. We served the sirloins with grilled corn in the husk and a nice bottle of Cabernet. Craig finished up the meal with his special dessert; the world's best chocolate sorbet finished with honey Greek yogurt, fresh blueberries and toasted coconut. We inhaled it and neglected to take a picture...sorry, next time...I promise. Thanks Debby for our dinner inspiration!

Vent

I am insane. I am insane because the definition of insanity is doing the same action over and over again expecting a different result. Now, here is where I vent. I love Craig. However, he can piss me off like you would not believe. And it is usually the same song and dance over and over again. Case in point, today he emails me at work this simple sentence:

“By the way my car window broke so I need to park in the garage until I get it fixed ok? Love, Craig”

No explanation, no interesting story to preclude the sentence. Now, maybe this type of communication makes sense to men. But to women, not so much.

So, I call him to find out what happened. Was he in an accident? Did a tree fall on the car? Did someone break the window to steal the car or its contents?

He picks up and I say, “Hey Sweetie, so what happened?”

Impatient and grouchy he answers, “I don’t know” (AGAIN, NO INFORMATION)

“Are you okay?”

“No, my window is broken, it’s pushed through” (I swear, I felt like Viet Cong trying to interrogate a POW)

“Glad you’re okay…so what happened; it’s not broken?”

“FUCK, how the hell am I supposed to know?” (Just for the ignorant or the deaf dumb and blind, this is where he blew it…)

“You know what? I called to see if you are okay and what happened and none of that excuses your response. It’s just not acceptable and I won’t allow it. It's fucked up”

“Well dammit, I told you I didn’t know and then you hound me about what happened” (Please dear god, just tell me he took a VERY LARGE handful of Idiot Pills before this call)

“Oh yes now I remember…how silly of me to have forgotten... I had passed my minimum of one question concerning your well-being… You have yourself a great little day and I’ll see you at home. Bye."

So, this isn’t the first time I have had a "conversation" like this, it probably won’t be the last one and I will forge ahead expecting a different outcome on the next one…insane.

patience is not my virtue

Last night I was tinkering in our garden trying to take some pictures around dusk. I was getting completely frustrated… You see, a few months back I borrowed then purchased a used Canon 17-85mm image stabilizing lens off of my friend. If you have never tried image stabilizing lenses…DON'T, unless you plan to purchase one because you will NEVER be the same. I was hooked from the moment I had first borrowed it and when he offered to sell it to me, I thought I would just die.

Well, last week he asked if he could borrow the lens because he was the official photographer for some big poker tournament in Las Vegas hosted by former NBA player Chris Webber. Of course I let him borrow it; after all he had loaned it to me. Well this was supposedly, some celebrity laden event…. A photographer friend we have in common had already seen the shots from the event and said, “There are some great shots of Gladys Knight”.

Wait, I’m sorry…when was the last time that Gladys Knight was relevant? And, no mention of the Pips not even one Pip. And, the BIGGEST travesty...no mention of my lens.

So back to my frustration… I was using the other lenses I had last night and they were just not cutting it. I missed my baby, my lens. There I was in the garden barefoot, my camera loaded on my tripod, wine glass in one hand while muttering to myself about the lameness of the lens and the shitty lighting. At this point, Craig poured more wine into my glass and quietly retreated into the house. Sometimes, he is the smartest human being on the planet…hands down.

After my unfulfilling evening of shooting, I text messaged my friend in the morning inquiring if he had returned…no response. I emailed him (we work at the same place)…no response. I email our photographer friend (he also works at the same place); to which I did get a response that yes, my lens stealing friend was at work, no he had not seen my lens and then off he went talking about those damn Gladys Knight pictures. In the immortal word of Doggybloggy…harmpf!

Okay, at this point I am expecting a ransom note. I checked the official website for the poker tournament…maybe he just got in this morning. Nope…July 25-27. Today is the 29th. WHERE IS MY LENS?????!!!!

Look, just return the lens and no one gets hurt. Oh yeah, and you might want to bring a bottle of wine to show your immense gratitude. Just call Craig, he'll help you out.

So...

I recently read an article on CNN that states a study has found that women on antidepressants may receive a benefit from the self use of Viagra. But before I could reach for the phone and give my doctor a call…I read further. The article states, since antidepressants slow down sex drive, the addition of Viagra would not change that. However, if you somehow found yourself “in the mood”, the benefit comes to you (pun intended) via your orgasm.

So, let me get this straight…you poor little depressed girl, you may not want to have sex and that little pill that is helping your sunny disposition will further send your sex drive in the toilet. But, on the off chance you find yourself in the “undercover hustle”, you may just have a happy ending and not find yourself crying in a fetal position in the corner. Aren’t emotionally challenging women fun??

Of course, our friends at the FDA aren’t planning on approving the use of Viagra for female sexual dysfunction. Hey fellas, you might want to think that over. We now have many 80 year old men (Hugh Hefner…ewh) with the sustainable woody of a 20 year old male and much of the female population on antidepressants with no product in sight to increase their libidos… So technology and advancement hasn’t gotten us that far. I go back to the basics…This girl sticks with “Old Reliable”…vodka.

for the love of a dog

As I had stated in a previous post, I will always try to pick up a stray dog if I spot one. I keep myself armed with an extra leash and treats if the opportunity presents itself. Well, this week it did. After much discussion and whining, I agreed to go to the store to pick up some wine and an avacado. On my way there, a little dog ran out into the street twice and narrowly missed becoming road kill. In front of two police cruisers, I pulled an illegal u-turn and followed the dog down a street. She was scared and a little manic, but after many treats I was able to coax her into my car. Unfortunately, she did not have a collar...So, I dropped her off at home with Craig and went back to get the wine. I do have my priorities...

When I got back home, I immediately placed an ad on Craigslist, one in the local paper and provided her information to a local pet finder service. Sadly, there was NO ONE looking for her. Since the housing market took a dump, people have taken to abandoning their pets or surrending them to a local shelter. I took one of Nadine's old collars and a name tag and put them on "Dog" just in case she got loose again. Nadine and Jerry showed her the ropes and played with her in the backyard.

The next morning, I took a few pictures of her and sent out an email to all my "dog lover" friends and asscoiates. By the end of the day, I had 4 people that wanted her. I was thrilled. My friend Donna was first to respond and desperately wanted to meet her. Last night, I took little "Dog" to meet with Donna, her two young sons, her husband and the other two family dogs. "Dog" fit in perfectly and Donna and Hal decided to keep her. Of course they know that if "Dog's" owners contact me, they may have to return her. As of today, there has been no response to any of my ads and I have not seen an ad placed looking for her. And that is a good thing because Donna emailed me today and told me her family has fallen in love with her and named her Abby Grace.

My attempt to make the world a better place, one dog at a time...

Introducing, Ms Abby Grace

cheap thrills

So, there is this Reno trip that many people I work with sign up for every July. For $35.00 per person you get a stay for two nights, all the alcohol you can drink and a sit down banquet dinner. There are a few catches; you have to gamble in their casino at least 4 hours each of the two days and the casino isn’t the hippest swankiest place. What a deal!!!

So, my cousin and I headed up there after work on Friday. Once we arrived, I picked up my envelope of debauchery and quickly found our hotel room. It was past 8:00 pm by the time we arrived so we decided to hit the buffet which was serving all you can eat New York Strip cooked to order. On our way to the buffet we stopped by the nearest bar and picked up our first of many complimentary drinks of the weekend. (in order to make life easy, you are provided with a name tag to wear the entire weekend to identify yourself as a VIP and be handed free drinks) Dinner was a little tacky but delicious none the less. We got in about 3 hours of our required 4 hours of gambling and many complimentary drinks. I think I fell in love…all the Kettel One I can drink? Are you kidding? I now pronounce you Vodka and Wife.

My "passport to drunkeness"

The next morning we took a short walk across the street and drank a leisurely cup of coffee at Starbucks before we went to breakfast. We were starving. They had a Mel’s Diner in the casino and it seemed like a safe bet (non pun intended). When our breakfast arrived, it was cold, stone cold. And, I had ordered a biscuit without the gelatinous gravy, but there my biscuit sat drowning under the weight of the gravy mass. So, I asked for another biscuit. And she NEVER came back until the very end and was surprised that I no longer wanted my biscuit. I had some ideas on what she could do with it, but I refrained. So, we went up to pay the bill and when the manager asked how everything was. I was honest; “our meal tasted great, but it was stone cold”. He stated that he would take care of our entire bill and hoped that we would return. ANOTHER FREE THING ON MY CHEAP WEEKEND!!!! Yeah!

Anyway, more gambling, more drinking, more eating and a trip to the local Costco was on the agenda for the afternoon. We decided to soak before getting ready for our banquet dinner and this required another trip to the bar…lemon drops and bottled water. So, in the hot tub we soaked the toxins out of our systems and I sweated away my Kettel One. After we got ready, we went early to the banquet to buy our raffle tickets, pick our table and of course, take advantage of the hosted cocktail hour, hour and half, two hours. Who’s counting, really?

We ended up sitting with the sweetest Japanese family at dinner and had a great time. For dinner cocktails we had margaritas on the rocks with Patron floaters… Dinner was delicious but we didn’t win any of the gift and cash raffle items during dinner.

After dinner, we headed down to gamble and wait for the 3 additional raffle drawings. On the second drawing, my cousin won $50.00 in chips. YEAH! More cocktails, a trip to the cashiers and up to our room to crash for the evening.

We decided to head to Mel’s again for our breakfast and things were infinitely better… After breakfast we packed it up and headed home.

Reno is hardly a place I would frequent on a normal basis, but for $35.00, free drinks, a free dinner and raffle prizes, I can make an exception.

Adios Reno, until next year.

the holy land...with coffee

As a self proclaimed foodie shopaholic, nothing makes me happier than a store, better yet, a mall that satisfy both of these identities... Sur La Table opened this week in Roseville, a mere 20 miles away. To say I am estatic, is an understatement. I have been a huge fan of this store since I visited the original location at Pike's Market in Seattle 10 years ago.

And the good news keeps coming... A Whole Foods Market is near completion just steps away from Sur La Table. I know, my head is spinning from just the thought. Knowing their core audience, they kindly placed a Peet's Coffee in between. I nearly pee'd myself.

Now, I think I need a second job to support my addictions... Maybe I should apply at Sur La Table...

growing up and hitting bottom

Sometimes, I feel like an island. And the older I get, the truer that statement becomes. Very few people are close to me and it breaks my heart, but that is how it is. When I am hurt by others I take it in and then go…quiet. One of my friends said, “When Michelle is unhappy with you, she will retreat and then go silent”. This is so utterly true, that until she said it, I had no idea. I still put myself out there and take the risk, but as I get older, my willingness to do so has greatly diminished.

Yesterday was a really really hard day for me and it was one of those island days. I haven’t spoken to my father since his last incident and yesterday found me at the precipice of should or shouldn’t I. Ultimately, I didn’t call him. It was the first time in my whole life that I failed to recognize my father on this day. And I cried (huge hyperventilating sobs). My face stung from all my tears…I missed my mom and I missed my dad and I was just enormously sad. But, I just felt that if I had reached out, he would continue to hurt me and I know that I can’t deal with that anymore…In reality, I had no choice; it was him or me.

My family didn’t call…I didn’t expect them to, hell, maybe I did. No one called. The day was silent. Craig was at a loss on what to do for me; my family issues are way beyond what he has ever seen or experienced. I felt very alone. And even if my cousin weren’t on vacation, she may have given me some tough love which is understandable but was the last thing that I needed. So, I did my laundry for work, made sure my things were gathered for the next day, set my alarm and it was business as usual…quiet. So, this little island was battered and sad, but strong. I did not buckle, I did not do what was expected, I did not like it, but even if my dad has not hit rock bottom, I have.

things I know…

I will never be “put together”… I will always have at least one thing (many things) in need of attention; a dirty car, a cluttered email inbox, chipped glasses and cracked plates, silverware that has been to the bad side of the garbage disposal, a garden in desperate need of weeding, an "at capacity" garage where I put everything to give the illusion that I am “put together”. On the other hand, I ALWAYS have a laundry list of chores and goals.

I will never complete reading a book in a timely fashion. At minimum, I have 3 or more books in various states of completion and several that I have purchased over the years that I have yet to read. On the other hand, if I were bedridden, I would definitely have a way to pass the time.

I will never finish writing my book…or any of the other half started novels currently housed on my computer. And when I read them again, I can never recall the story arc that I was going for. On the other hand, I can surprise myself with some witty thing that I had written when I was on a roll and buzzed on cocktails.

I will never have clean closets. To be honest, I am a bit of a Tasmanian Devil when it comes to looking for something and everything left in the wake is tossed about and finds a new place in the closet. On the other hand, the closet is like an undiscovered country full of treasures that I had forgotten that I had purchased.

I will always give a new CD a chance. Even if I purchase a CD for one song, it will go on a steady rotation on my Ipod so I may discover other songs to love. On the other hand, I would love to have some of the time and money back that I have wasted giving some CD the opportunity to amaze me with its genius.

I will always come to the rescue or provide assistance to my friends regardless of the time of day. My friends are my family and they are important. On the other hand, this has come to burn me in the past and brought me to great tears. When it has been truly recognized and appreciated it has also brought me to great tears.

I will always stop for a stray dog. Regardless of the surroundings, where I am going or what I may be doing, this is just something I live by. You will always find an extra dog leash and treats in my car, just in case. On the other hand, it has forced me to sprint back to my car for fear of having my head gnarled open by an ill tempered pooch. And everyone knows that I DO NOT run.

I will always cook too much food and serve dessert when you are invited to my home for dinner. In the immortal words of Frank Constanza from Seinfeld, "And who doesn't serve cake after a meal? What kind of people? Would it kill them to put out a pound cake? Something!" Amen Frank! On the other hand, since I cook too much food, I also make too much dessert and will inevitably, eat it by myself, late at night, perhaps in one sitting.

I will always have a greeting card for every occasion, well almost. Over the years, I have gone on greeting card splurges and will pick them up for no reason at all. On the other hand, in my collected stash, some have lost their humor, edge and/or sentiment as time goes by and they quickly go back to the bottom of the pile.

So, these are some of the things I absolutely know about myself… Tell me some of yours!

everything old is new again...?

I am 9 months away from my 40th birthday. And as of today, this little fact does not bring me to my knees. However, my body insists on returning to adolescence… Recently, I have been getting acne…not exactly what we called “pizza face” in the day, but disturbing none the less. Lucky me, I will get the zit that comes from all the other zits gathering together to form one HUGE zit. I swear they have roots and a pulse. There isn’t enough make up in the world that will cover one of these babies. Although I am seriously considering one of those scarves…so the only thing visible would be my eyes.

That's me, crying in the middle

In addition to the acne, I was recently informed that I had 2 cavities… Yes, two cavities. How the hell? So, yesterday as I sat in the dental chair with the sound of the drill to my teeth and bits flying in the air, I felt shameful and scared. I tried to close my eyes so I wouldn’t see the doctor coming toward me with any sharp instruments… But occasionally, I would see this….

Now, it’s not fair to have acne, cavities and hot flashes all at the same time. I’ll take two, but not three. If I am going in reverse and forward at the same time, by my calculations, I shouldn’t be aging any further. Yeah!

God, I hope I don’t have to lose my virginity all over again... However, I could certainly improve on that experience...

Progress?

I for one love progress. Its great to see progressive thought regarding sex, politics, religion...the list goes on. But progress has it downside. Case in point; I was watching the Style Network last night and this commercial came on.



Now given my more liberal views, I was kind of surprised that this commercial disturbed me. Apparently, masturbation is no longer a taboo subject AND apparently, women your mother’s age are getting busy AND TALKING ABOUT IT WITH PERFECT STRANGERS. Ewh.

I think I actually miss the days of I Love Lucy and those puritanical twin beds.

home alone

So, Craig had to take off and tend to his family. He left last night and although I have complained since he was laid off that I am seeing WAY too much of him, as the door shut behind him I felt sad…for a second. Then it occurred to me, OH MY GOD…I HAVE THE HOUSE ALL TO MYSELF!!!!!

My head started to spin trying to think of all the things that I could do… You would think that I was 15 years old and my parents just announced that they are leaving me alone for the weekend. As much as I love Craig, the man never rests. He hits the ground running each and every day. And for some reason….all his activities are VERY noisy. He grinds his coffee each morning…a fine grind that requires him to press that goddamn button for an ETERNITY. Since our house has mostly wood floors, tiptoeing around for the consideration of others (uhm) is impossible. After his first cup of coffee, he is out the door with the dogs in tow to tend to the vegetable garden. This is followed by stretching, leashing the dogs up and out for the morning run. Back at home, more stretching, crunches and weights. Breakfast usually involves two bowls of cereal (and two visits to the kitchen) which he eats in the bedroom while watching ESPN. While all this is going on, the dogs stay right on his heels so the three of them end up sounding like Santa and his ever energetic reindeer with each “ching-ching” of their collars. At this point, the morning quiets down to a low roar and he practices guitar for a few hours before he gears up for a 40-mile bike ride. And you might ask what I am doing during this flurry of activity…. I am quietly sitting on the couch with my coffee watching the Food Network and incessantly praying that he will be struck by acute narcolepsy and drop down for a 5 hour nap. Peace and quiet is not part of our mornings in the house. Not only is the activity disruptive, the whole thing makes me feel as if I am playing hooky even though it’s my day off; like somehow I should have raised a barn in the hour and half since I have been awake. Doesn’t everybody?

So, two full free days stretch before me and the peace in the house is like fresh air. Although, Jerry and Nadine look as though they may NEVER recover from the absence of Craig. I swear if they could talk they would have asked him last night, “You’re leaving us with her? Who’s going to take us on our two 5-mile runs? She runs like a…GIRL and she makes us watch Forensic Files.”

Yes, my dears I will make you watch Forensic Files but I will also be ordering pizza and getting Chinese take-out. Who’s your daddy now?

mad style

Nadine goes Big Pimpin'

obsessions

I have a couple of new obsessions. The first is a series on the Sundance Channel called Live From Abbey Road. It's an awesome show with live recording sessions at the infamous studio. Last night they had Jamiroquai, Damien Rice and the Goo Goo Dolls. I had a very vague idea who Damien Rice was... However, after hearing this song...he is my new obsession.



Last week they had Dr. John, LeAnn Rimes and Massive Attack. And now I am (also) obsessed with this song.

The other obsession is Agave Nectar. I started using it as a substitute for sugar and now I find myself looking for excuses to use it in everything. Agave Martini, Agave Sorbet, Agave Yogurt ??? I think I seriously need help....

release

I have been conflicted on whether I should do a post regarding the events of the past Saturday. But sometimes just putting things down allows you to let it go....

As most of you know, my father is a life long alcoholic. Wow, it still remains difficult for me to put that down in black and white.

Anyway, since my mother passed away in 2006, it has been just my dad and I. I know that he loves me and doesn’t understand why I keep my distance, why I rarely call him, why I don’t include him. For my own preservation I have limited his presence in my life for the better part of 20 years. His addiction has wreaked havoc, humiliation and pain on my life and lucky him….he wakes up in the morning with no memory of his actions. If it hadn’t been for my mother’s sister and cousins, I would have been unsalvageable. My cousins took the place of those siblings that I never had…they were my family in every sense of the word.

This brings me to Saturday… My father called but I hadn’t heard the phone ring, so I missed the call and he didn’t leave a message. I decided to get a cup of coffee to gather myself before I returned his call. However, I never had the chance. My cousin called and quite frankly after I said hello, all I heard was the most painful wailing I have ever heard. I couldn’t make out anything she was saying and I could hear my aunt in the background sobbing. Finally, my cousin was able to string enough coherent words together that I now understood why they were so utterly devastated. My father had just called and told them that the coroner’s office had just called to let him know that I had passed away. I was speechless. And then the biggest wave of guilt washed over me. I was helpless to comfort my family…I was numb.

The rest of the day was a fog. My family (my mother’s side) contacted my father and informed him that they were cutting all ties. For over 40 years, we have all endured his addiction and this was the deal breaker. My father continued to drink throughout the day and rallied his siblings to contact me and plead his case. Somehow, he was being sold as the victim. I refuse to speak to any of them. He continued to call and leave message after message and his story morphed over time…first it was the coroner that called, then someone had called him to say they were hurting me, then someone had called and had told him they had murdered me and the last version had me dead from a gunshot wound. However, the truth does not have versions.

I had to get out of the house…I went for some retail therapy. On my way to the store the police department called me to determine what condition I may be in. I was flabbergasted. My first response literally to the officer was, “You’ve got to be fucking kidding, right?” After I explained my family situation, the officer noted my father’s “condition” in the system. How many times have I had to have my father’s “condition” noted throughout my life? More times then I care to admit.

I finally contacted my father in the evening only to let him know how completely reckless and cruel his actions were, how horrified I felt that my father could inflict such pain and be so ignorant while doing so. Even if I were to considered that he truly believed these “calls” actually took place, that consideration could not be overcome by the fact that he continued to drink throughout the day and make phone call after phone call; that his addiction has permanently altered his ability to think and act like a reasonable person.

Well, it’s not everyday that you can see how your death would affect your loved ones. In a strange almost inappropriate sense, I was immensely flattered and touch that my family would be so shattered from such news. It was as if I truly had escaped death that day. However, a much bigger escape took place…I was free of the guilt and obligation that has imprisoned me in regards to my father. There was nothing more that he could do to hurt me because that’s all he was capable of doing to me. I was finally…released.

now who's the alpha dog???

I returned from my lunch and went to check my cell phone. There on the display were three missed calls from Craig all within a minute of one another, but no voicemail. I began to panic and scary thoughts ran through my head... Were the dogs hurt? Did the SWAT team take over our home as a command center? Have we been robbed? WHAT????

After my second attempt at getting Craig on the phone he finally answers. "Honey, you called three times...is everything alright; are the dogs alright?" My pulse began to race. After a pregnant pause he says, "I was in a rush to make my appointment on time and I broke your Q-Tip holder in the bathroom." Now I had the pregnant pause... Was he kidding? I resisted the impulse to laugh because he seemed sincerely apologetic and something else...was it fear? I guess my pause was longer than I thought because he blurts out, "I'll buy you a new one!" Now I really had to laugh. Finally I let him off the hook; "Don't worry, I'm not upset, but that set cannot be replaced; it's been discontinuted. So, I'll just get a new one." I swore that I heard a sigh of relief from his side of the phone.

After I hung up, I immediately went on the internet to scope out the new bathroom set that Craig is buying.

true tales from my hood...that's just how we roll

Good thing to see in the morning...your neighborhood Peet's Coffee....



Bad thing to see in the morning...3 fully armed SWAT teams in riot gear headed in the direction of your home followed by 3 cruisers, 2 firetrucks and several large surveillance trucks... Can we say, crack house?

Happy Wednesday!!!

disturbing but oddly intriguing

WARNING: This post may contain material that is offensive. It is intended for immature audiences.

Tanya recently convinced me to add a site meter to my blog to track my traffic. Of course, this is part of a grander scheme of total world domination by way of my blog. The land of delusion is a sweet, sweet place.

Anyway, the site meter gives you major amounts of information, most of which is rather boring....ISP info, times, lengths of visits, browser information. You get the picture. But, it does have one totally fascinating item of information that it collects...browser search words. Now, before I go further, I need to explain how my blog continues to come up on these "innocent" searches. First off, there is the name of my blog....you'll see later. Then, there was the post about the "passion party" that Tanya and I had attended last year. Then, there was the other post about a show on the Travel Channel with Anthony Bourdain and his trip to Namibia that included some bushmen delicacies (warthog anus). And finally, just the combination of words and things made reference to in past posts add to some odd searches. So, here are some of my favorite word searches from the site meter information. If this keeps up, this may be a regular post subject.

Can you marry your dog (now, I would like to think my fan base is so huge that word has spread and people are Googling to find my blog, but I fear they are actually trying to find out if they can in fact, marry their dog)

Can you marry your horse ( I don't even want to know)

Can you marry a fish (seriously?)

Can I marry my cousin's daughter (not bright enough to realize this would just be your second cousin)

Bushmen warthog anus (maybe they saw the same show)

What can you put up your anus (close the door...quickly!)

Cousin fuck anus (even scarier....is this related to the marrying of the cousin's daughter?)

Dildo in high school (seems reasonable if attending an all-girls school)

Dog dildo (insert scream here)

Kody do Tony hog (A pull from a combination of posts referencing Tanya's dog Kody, Anthony Bourdain and the infamous warthog)


And my personal favorite:

Pictures of Amazon mushrooms that kill your kindness in 24 hours. (I really don't know what medication this person is on...but honey, send some over here)

let the celebrations begin

Some of the birthday-eve curse of the 27th squirmed it’s way through on the 28th… Now, here’s the part where I bitch about the Department of Motor Vehicles. I know that I will most likely offend some of my readers…okay, one of my readers, but that is the price you pay when you blog about.

I worked 5 hours on my birthday so I could take off early, run a few errands and get a massage. Unfortunately, not only had I lost my ATM card, but my driver’s license as well. It expired anyway, but this just complicated some issues. I headed over to the DMV to stand in line to get a number to then stand in line….I kid you not. It is finally my turn and the counter staff person’s attitude immediately turns dour when I inform her that I don’t have my license because it was lost along with my ATM card. Many sighs and grunts ensue and she plods over to another person…I couldn’t make out what they were saying but it involved MANY hand gestures. She finally returns to the window and states that it will be $28.00 to renew/replace my license (inside I am screaming, “28 dollars!!!! Do they provide a stylist and wardrobe for that amount of money? This better be the best damn picture ever taken of me). However, I remain calm and ask her if they take Discover. She states that they do not take any credit, but they do take cash, ATM or a check. I tell her that I do not have my checkbook or enough cash on me. She directs me to the closest ATM. Apparently, my hardship story left little impression on her since I had already told her that I lost my ATM card. So, I ask her if I have to get back in line when I return with the necessary cash. She then informs me that she is off in 10 minutes, so it will not be possible to return to her window. Translation: “You are screwed and you will have to get back into the line to get back into the line. CRAP!

Well, I still had to stop by my dad’s so I decided to go to the bank over there and try another DMV office because everyone knows that THIS is the perfect way to spend your day. The stop at my dad’s was soooo worth it. He gave me the Vidalia Onion Chopper (that Tanya insists is better than eating chocolate WHILE having sex) the Vidalia Onion Slicer, the Pedegg and a barely used Sony 20 inch LCD TV. Some very good loot…

Once I got my cash and went to the other DMV and completed my license renewal, I had to scrap the massage plan and just go for a pedicure. Other than some loud-mouth so and so that continued to proclaim that SHE was having a bad day while she bitched through her entire service, the pedicure was wonderful.

Craig and the pups made dinner for me and we toasted with some wonderful bubbles. Since he went WAY overboard at Christmas this year, I told him to practice some restraint. He gave me one of the sweetest gifts; health insurance for my puppies. Great, isn’t it? I think so.

The next day, Tanya and I attended an Elk’s Lodge Installation for one of our co-workers.

Here is Kathleen being installed as Exhaulted Ruler...in the office I will now refer to her as "Oh Exhaulted One".

Next time I feel old or unattractive, I must remember this ceremony. Other than a few children, we were the youngest and hottest people in attendance.

The other "hot" ladies in attendance.

The newly "installed" Elks

And the food was completely retro; meatballs, chicken wings, cold cuts, deviled eggs and olives. Our chef reminded me of Bigfoot. And just like the mythical being…all my pictures of him were blurry.

The Mythical Chef Bigfoot

I don't even want to know...Chef BF now has a large bandage around his hand.

We actually had fun…although we did plan our escape because Tanya and I had important business to attend to at Sephora. Don’t hate us because we’re beautiful…just fawn at our feet. Anyway, the shopping made us parched so we went to California Café to have a little drink and found ourselves seated next to a possible stripper and her toupee’d and tanned mail escort. Bubbles seemed to have trouble remaining conscious and just at the edge of landing face first into her salad, she ordered another drink. Yeah, that seems like a reasonable choice.


On Sunday, my cousin picked me up and took me to Half Moon Bay to spend the night and celebrate my birthday with just us two. We had a great time….

The San Benito Inn...excellent Bloody Marys and the elderly gentlemen around the bar lead a rousing chorus to "Papa Loves Mambo"

The beautiful Pacific Ocean.

A beautiful church in Pescadaro

Princeton by the Sea, a lovely little lighthouse at a youth hostel

So ends my birthday weekend and now I must get to the business of aging…gracefully. Thanks to all of you for your birthday wishes.

a shared birthday

This day started out extremely rough...after a night of little sleep, I elected to go in a bit late to work. After tearing through my car, then my purse and back through my car again, I was unable to find my ATM card that had gone MIA somewhere the day before. And since I had decided to go in late, I had to make a business call from home. I prefer that my work life and my non-work life live very separate lives from one another, so this little obligation put me further into my foul mood. On my way out the door, Craig and I even managed to get into a little tiff to add the cherry on top of my Crap Morning Sundae.

After arriving at work, other "minor-major" issues barely allowed me to set my purse down much less turn on my computer. Once these little fires were put out, I realized that it was time to go to a good-bye luncheon for a colleague. Where did the day go??? I had barely taken two sips of my much needed coffee before my brain had to wrap itself around the fact that it was lunch time. Off I went...

After lunch, my second wind refused to appear. So, Kevin and I headed to Starbucks, where he kindly treated me to an early birthday coffee. From down the other end of the store, I heard my name being called. It was my Aunt Patsy and her two grandchildren. I had just run into Patsy last week, but I hadn't see the kids in years. So, I turned to Audrey and Lucas and before I could even utter the word "hello", Audrey blurts out, "tomorrow's my birthday!!". To which I respond, "it's mine too!!". I must admit, Audrey seemed a little disappointed that I had piddled on her birthday parade. However, we did high-five each other for sharing such an auspicious day.

To be a kid again, where it is socially acceptable to announce your birthday in ANY part of ANY conversation. So, if I find myself in an awkward or unpleasant conversation tomorrow I will simply interject:

"Today's my birthday!!!"

for the halibut

Even thought I live in a "coastal" state, reasonably priced seafood is still out of reach. However, I am blessed to live in a multicultural city where ethnic ingredients are available just about anywhere. We love to eat Thai food, but it comes at a price and if you add fresh seafood and some libations, you end up with a substantially sized bill at the end of your meal. That being said, I have taken it upon myself to learn various ethnic styles of cooking to provide relief to my credit cards. Luckily the stars were on my side yesterday. Not only were we craving Thai food, but fresh wild halibut happened to be on sale. The spice of this dish is tamed when paired with a German-style Riesling or Gewürztraminer

Thai Styled Halibut with Coconut Curry Broth

2 teaspoons of vegetable oil
4 shallots, finely chopped (about ¾ cup)
2 ½ teaspoons red curry paste
2 cups of low sodium chicken broth
½ cup coconut milk
½ teaspoon salt, plus ¼ teaspoon, plus more for seasoning
4 (6-ounce) pieces halibut fillet, skin removed
½ cup coarsely chopped fresh cilantro leaves
2 scallions, green part only thinly sliced
2 tablespoons fresh lime juice
freshly ground black pepper

Steamed spinach
2 cups of cooked brown rice, optional for serving

In a large sauté pan, heat the oil over moderate heat. Add the shallots and cook, stirring occasionally, until beginning to brown, 3 to 5 minutes. Add the curry paste and cook, stirring until fragrant, about 30 seconds. Add the chicken broth, coconut milk, ½ teaspoon of salt and simmer until reduced to 2 cups, about 5 minutes.

Season the halibut with ¼ teaspoon salt. Arrange the fish in the pan and gently shake the pan so the fish is coated with the sauce. Cover and cook until fish flakes easily with a fork, about 7 minutes

Arrange a pile of steamed spinach in the bottom of 4 soup plates. Top with the fish fillets. Stir the cilantro, scallions, and lime juice into the sauce and season to taste with salt and pepper. Ladle the sauce over the fish and serve with rice.

Happy Easter

This post should be used as evidence in the event that I am mauled by my precious pups. There was some serious ass to kiss after this photo session, but the results were worth it. Thank god they have short term memories.

it's that time again

Yes, this is the time of year when I become a "cycling widow", so to speak. As the weather becomes warmer, Craig takes to his bike for long afternoon rides. I teased him before he took off on his latest ride, telling him how lucky his bike was to take part in a little "Afternoon Delight". I think I may have even sang the chorus to that dreadful song. Oddly, he bolted away...

Soon, the freezer will be sharing space with frozen water bottles filled with performance drinks. The dining room table will be the permanent place for his bike helmet, glasses and other cycling gear. TiVo recording space will quickly fill up with European nail bitting bike races. Names of cyclists that I can barely pronounce will soon pepper our conversations. Cycling magazines will start to show up amongst the guitar, photography, food, and wine magazines we surround ourselves with. Socks will start to disappear as they become recruited in the ongoing cleaning, care and maintenance of the bike. And the refrigerator and pantry will be quickly emptied as Craig refuels after 70 mile rides.

And you might be asking what I am doing while all this riding takes place.... basking in the pure pleasure of a home to myself, bad music played way too loud, inappropriate food choices, bad TV, pedicures, shopping trips, cooking experiments and on and on.

Yeah! It's cycling season!!!!

Happy St. Patrick's Day

A little bit from a comic I recently discovered. Unfortunately, the video and the sound are a bit off... Enjoy!

A trip down memory lane via Best Buy

Craig and I were recently at Best Buy and the cashier talked me into joining their Rewards Zone Program where they give you money back after collecting so many points… So, the cashier asks for my phone number and the exchange goes a bit like this…

“That phone number is coming up with someone else’s name”

“Whose? Craig? Ron?” (my ex husband)

“Nooo, no none of those…”

“Well, can you tell me who?”

“It says Dan Hall”

“WHAT?! My ex fiancé??? That’s not possible; I broke up with that idiot 16 years ago. Best Buy didn’t even exist then…nor did I have a cell phone back then. Can you just change the information?”

During this tirade, I was completely oblivious to the valuable entertainment I was providing to those around us.

“No, you have to use another phone number”

“I’ll just use your phone number Craig; and if it comes up with Jill’s name (Craig’s ex), I refuse to continue. Who knew that I would have my past relationships paraded out at Best Buy? Do you guys offer therapy in the Reward Zone Program?”

BLANK STARE FROM CASHIER

All this made me go home and Goggle the idiot ex-fiancé. And this is what I found

http://www.ardencarmichaelnews.com/tune.shtml

This guy needs a new routine. He surprised me with a serenaded proposal too when he popped the question …

I know, it makes you throw up a little in your mouth…huh?

Nadine

Nadine is the most meditative being I know. Yes…she has her frenetic dog moments, but on warm nights you will find her quietly sitting on the back deck taking in the sounds and smells of the evening. Her gentle and calm manner has been magnified since Jerry’s arrival and her nurturing care of him has been nothing short of inspiring. And kindly, she has allowed Jerry to steal the spotlight with the knowledge that she shares stolen quiet moments with Craig and I, basking in our full attention. She makes me aspire to be the person that she thinks that I am.

Jerry and the giant orange

Recently, Jerry has been seduced by a pair of finches that live in the orange tree. He has become a very focused fellow; spending many hours in full-on bird watching mode.

strike two...

My very good friend Tanya gave me the flu. Well, since she had it first, I get the pleasure of blaming her. At first I thought I had a hangover... Wait, let me back up a bit.

Friday night Craig and I went to meet his friend Scott at a local well known dive on the river for some karaoke. I was feeling a bit rundown so I jumped in the shower and my hair turned out AMAZING! So, no matter how I felt or what we may be doing, I could not keep this hair to myself. Well, it was a rough show. And the wine list was not much better. We settled on vodka. When Scott asked what we were drinking, Craig responded, "Shitty Wine List". 'Nough said. I would say that the demographic in the place was 45-60, mostly Caucasian husbands and wives doing their part to slaughter any number of songs. And since I was feeling less than stellar, I couldn't even get myself drunk to make the music sound better. Because that's what everyone was telling me that I MUST do. Especially the relic next to me with his Camel breath, nicotine stained teeth sporting an every so stylish Members Only jacket circa 1983. Jack or Bob or whatever the relic's name was jumped up to the front of the room and grabbed the mike. Is Johnny Mathis dead? Because he should have been after that night. So, we decided to call it an evening and head home.

When I woke up the next morning I felt like I had the WORSE hangover...but it takes alot more than two drinks to knock this lady down. Is it possible to have a hangover from karaoke? Never say never... But, then came my old friends, fever, chills, and body aches. Hello, friends. By Sunday, Craig was down too. ARGH! So, I was down and out until Thursday. And as I sit and type right now, I am still coughing like an emphysemic hag. I have lost two, count them, TWO three-day weekends to the flu in the last two months. I'm pissed and I demand my time back. Oh yeah, those bitches on The View piss me off too...idiots.

Morta what???

First off…I must say that although he drives me absolutely crazy, I do love my father. However, most alcoholics are not lovable, or adorable, or even tolerable. And ever since my mother passed away in 2006, my father has been the proverbial thorn in my ass. He’s retired, owns a blind, ill-tempered Chihuahua, has no friends that I am aware of and has managed to alienate the majority of his family and my mother’s family. You guessed it….that leaves dear old me. My father is a BIG fan of the drink and dial and he will call several times in a very short period. I never answer these calls. I just don’t have it in me… Of course, my father will leave messages…many messages thick tongued with brandy, rambling and long. I guess in my way of dealing with having an alcoholic parent, I find many of these messages down right funny. I know what you are thinking. It’s sad, it’s a cry for help, it’s serious. Yes, it is all these things but it’s also NEVER going to change. In the 39 years I have been on this planet, it has always been this way. Humor is my way of coping and so I occasionally save these messages…. Recently I received this message at 12:30 am:

Dad: Hey schweetheart this is dad…I know yooour not gonna anshwer.

My internal response: Nothing gets by him…

Dad: I bought a mortabello mushroom and your mom told me how to cook it but I forgot.

My internal response: Is there a new strain of mushroom? Did he just buy the mushroom at 12:30 in the morning or did he just decide to cook it? Is my dad smoking pot now???

Dad: Udder than that, itsh not reeally important… jussh want to find out if youreallright, your healths and everything.

My internal response: Sleep deprivation is my current health issue. Could be related to the drink and dial calls I receive….

Dad: I’m good.

My internal response: I just bet you are…

Continued confirmation of my laziness

Scene: Very cold Saturday morning at home

Characters: Me (nursing a MONSTER headache) and my two pups

Outfits: Me, a very old, much worn, practically see-thru tank top paired with skimpy (they were a few sizes ago[1]) cotton drawstring shorts complete with a large bleach spot down the front. One word, SEX. Pups, fur coats as usual…

The three of us (Nadine, Jerry Lee and myself) are all bundled on the couch under our fleece blankey watching a Cold Case marathon and munching on popcorn. From outside I can hear the mail being dropped in our mail box. Now, my dilemma. Do I go out in my "barely there" outfit and run the risk of someone seeing me, a neighboor, a friend...George Clooney? Or, do I throw on a pair of yoga pants and a sweatshirt? Of course, this would require that I go ALL the way down the hallway, rummage in the closet and the dresser and ultimately the laundry basket because I am incapable of folding much less putting away my clean clothes. Oh yeah, might have forgot to mention that it looked like I styled my hair with a hand mixer…think Amy Winehouse.

Fuck it; the mail box is 5 feet from my front door. So as I defiantly head out my front door, I come face to face with my next door neighbor. He received some of our mail in error…something I am sure he is truly unhappy about, now. So far, this laziness thing isn’t working out so well.

[1] Women can discern the age of an item of clothing by its size

Happy New Year??????

I failed to follow through with a timely New Year’s post… Unfortunately, I find myself living in the House of Flues… Craig was struck down on Christmas day (did I mention that Christmas dinner consisted of Chinese takeout?). He remained that way until Saturday…just in time for me to take my turn…I had succumbed Friday evening. Although, when I went to stock up for my Flupalooza Weekend, I did find out that a 750 ml (about 26 ounces) bottle of EJ brandy at $5.99 is more potent and costs less than two 10 ounce bottles of Nyquil at $3.99 each, but best of all… the brandy can be purchased at the local Rite Aid along with cans of chicken soup, Kleenex, cough drops, decongestant and Tylenol…how convenient! Time to get my party on....

Flupalooza Supplies

Come Monday, we felt a bit better and tried to salvage our New Year’s celebration…which had to take place at the wine bar since Craig had to work. Too much, too soon for Monday brought on the second half of my flu…bronchitis and a cough. YEAH! Then Craig came down with the stomach flu sometime in the wee hours of Wednesday morning and we remained in a state of illness for the next two days. Whoever was less sick than the other played nurse…however, at times we had found it difficult to determine just who that was…

Finally, I couldn’t take it any longer. Not only did I find out that I have in fact seen every episode of Forensic Files, but my brain had turned to mush from a week long marathon of America’s Next Top Model (ANTM). Was anyone aware that Tyra Banks is the anti-christ?? I resorted to ANTM after re-watching the last two seasons of Weeds and the first season of Californication. (Damn you, WGA strike!) The final nail in the coffin was the police raid and 5150 hold of Britney Spears on Thursday night, interrupting all broadcasts and forcing the Iowa caucus to retreat to the backseat in the news. I was afraid that if I remained bedridden armed with a TV remote for even one more day, I wouldn’t be able to string a comprehensive sentence together…and I was slowly dying of ennui. So, I decided to return to work on Friday.

It was a small return, but I felt it would be easier to settle back in when I knew that I was off for the next three days. However, I picked the day that the “Perfect Storm” hit the area. 65-70 mph winds with cold,face-stinging rain. Driving into work that morning was apocalyptic as my car was pummeled with debris…the streets were mostly deserted as the majority of people had the good sense to stay home. 60 year old trees were knocked down like toothpicks. At one point the airport grounded all flights, some highways were closed due to the inability of big rigs to remain upright causing pile up after pile up, thousands of people lost power (and as of this post, many are still in the dark), light-rail lost power and left passengers stranded to fend for themselves and rain pelted the area so hard that we had flash floods throughout the valley. I live in a part of California that isn’t known for extreme weather…excessive dry heat I can do, near hurricane winds, soooo not my thing. Yeah, good idea Michelle…perfect day to return. The powers that be allowed us to leave work early so we could navigate our way home while we still had daylight. Driving through my neighborhood was eerie and somewhat sad. Dogs were running wild and scared after their fences were knocked down. I tried in vain to get two of them in my car, but they were so freaked out that they just took off down the street. What a way to end the week...

Jerry checking out the storm

The storm's aftermath....

And Jerry Lee added to my continued pain and suffering by shredding his mother's Victoria's Secret socks she received for Christmas...

Jerry's sock fettish aftermath...

So, today is Wednesday and we are still coughing and sniffling but we are almost back to 100 percent thanks to Chinese takeout, EJ brandy, Forensic Files, Britney Spears, America’s Next Top Model, The Winter Storm of 2008 and Jerry Lee. Looks to be an interesting year…

Signs of my cluelessness....

I woke up this morning and still in a half sleepy daze…I shuffle out to the living room and turn on the morning news. “This just in: Bluto has been assassinated by a suicide bomber”

In my dazed state, I was incredulous that they would kill off the Bluto character from Popeye… Why would they do such a thing? He’ll no longer be part of the cartoon???? Who will battle with Popeye for Olive Oil's heart???




I then find out that it was Bhutto…the opposition leader from Pakistan.




Tanya's hard news database may be as dusty as mine…She thought they said that Joey Buttafuco was assassinated…



I need to quit getting my news from TMZ and Perez Hilton…

A quiet return...

Yes, I have been gone for a while and I do not have a good reason for my absence beyond laziness...please forgive me.

However, I received the BEST Christmas present ever...a Canon Digital Rebel XTi-10 MP. Craig couldn't wait and gave it to me early on the 17th.... It has not left my side ever since. Unfortunately for my dogs....it's been a very LOOOOONG week. Here are some of the highlights....

A visit to the wine bar quickly led to an antler struggle between Nadine and Jerry Lee

Obligatory "Christmas Pictures".....

If looks could kill... I'm wearing down Jerry Lee's patience. Too bad! It's his penance for being "rescued".

Nadine however, understands the importance of documenting her beauty...

My favorite picture of Kody....Tanya's baby boy.

So, I have quietly returned and can only promise that I will do my best to not wander away too far. Happy New Year to all!

????????????????????????

It's not often that you find a geriatric male roaming a parking lot donning a pimp hat.... I like they way he accessorized the hat with a fanny pack.

The art of not being seen

I have often been told that I would make a great detective. As my father says, “Not much gets passed Michelle”. So, as I watch Forensic Files or Cold Case Detectives, I imagine myself outwitting the criminal and saving the day. However, when confronted with the need to be unobtrusive and inconspicuous, sly and smooth, I was rather unsuccessful.

Recently, I have found out that a friend has a family member that has been cheating on their spouse. I myself have caught them mid-clutch. This is a very good friend of mine, so I sat them down and told them what I had seen. They voiced their appreciation and pleaded that I keep them informed if I see anything or know of anything else.

Fast forward to today. Kevin, Tanya and I went out to do some lunchtime chores and on our way back, we spotted the love birds on the street mid clutch yet again… All of our adrenaline started to rush and three varied and muddled instructions could be heard in a scream type of crescendo as we worked out and got worked up over our “master plan”. Quickly, I darted back down the alley trying to interpret the different instructions screamed in my ear… Speeding around the corner while simultaneously rummaging through my purse for my camera is not something I would advise anyone to do. We swung around the block again as I yelled and then clumsily demonstrated instructions to Tanya on how to use my camera. The first time around the block we (me) panicked and drove by too quickly. We ended up with this shot. Hardly the scandalous picture we had in mind.



Due to our failure, we all started screaming out instructions again as we made our way back down the alley and around the block, braking with hazard lights flashing in all our covert glory. Finally heeding Kevin’s advice, we parked at the corner and took another picture. Not the best picture, but it will serve its purpose. I am still amazed that they failed to see my car awkwardly go around the block three times and stopping on the corner once as we very obviously snapped their picture. Love is blind…and deaf too.

I have left off the incriminating picture in the interest of my friend’s feelings. So, it appears that I will need to work on my detective skills just a bit more…. I don’t think I will be hired for my surveillance skills anytime soon….