Can you marry your dog?

Up, up, up

2012-02-16T16:48:00.000-08:00

When we are young we all experience growing pains; physical changes to our bodies that signal our growth. But ultimately, emotionally, we never stop growing…at least that’s the hope. And I always hope that with my growth comes my ability to forgive and find peace. It’s never easy to accept that things and some people cannot, will not, change. I allowed my mother to leave this earth without finding resolution. Given the circumstances, we could never have resolved issues in our relationship, but I could have come to some acceptance of how things were to give myself, my heart, a much needed break. Unfortunately, I was left with unfinished business and no outlet to find a new way to relate to her. But, there is my father. And with him, there are things that I must accept in order to grow.

We will never agree on most topics.

He will never think that I am smart enough or that I can handle…well, anything.

He will never stop drinking, nor admit that there is a problem

He will never acknowledge the hell he put our family through.

I will never find resolution to any of this.

And, I am fine with not having resolution, for I still have my father here on earth. It’s that simple fact that reminds me that the possibility for better things is always there. I have made the choice to put it all away; to accept that this is who he is and try to be a better daughter, despite the fact that in the past, even in the present, he may not deserve it.

I hate confrontations and uncomfortable standoffs. I want to be the idiotic Pollyanna that believes that we can all get along and truly wish the best for one another. But then there is this thing called reality…cold hard truths. In my effort to avoid confrontation and unhealthy relationships, I very deliberately cut my parents out of my life at times when it was necessary to do so. And it does sound so simple…just disengage and move on. But feelings aren’t logical or simple and life moves on and makes those plans nearly impossible. I had to acknowledge some facts…my father is not at the highest point in his life and continuing to punish him for the past (without any improvement) would be akin to kicking him when he is down. What does that say about me?

It’s been said that the true definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. I don’t know if that’s the definition of insanity, but it is definitely a sign that you aren’t growing, you aren’t learning from your mistakes, you aren’t self aware…

At the age of 42, I don’t want epic battles, enemy lines drawn in the sand that’s all in my head. Because often times, I look around and find the only one that thinks there is a war is me. So, I will try to remind myself to….

Speak softly, but with conviction

Don’t jump to conclusions

Assume the best, not the worst

Remember that I am not the only one that gets my feelings hurt

Be mindful of what I say; I would hate for harsh words to be the last ones exchanged.

And most importantly, I have to live with the choices I have made in my life, no excuses, no blaming…nada.

Yep, I am still growing…and it’s a pain in the ass.

War and Peas

2011-12-04T18:14:00.000-08:00

I remember that my first positive experience with split pea soup was in December 1989. My then boyfriend and I were driving our 1978 VW Bus to Altadena to spend the holidays with his brother. As luck would have it, the grapevine had frozen over that year and the outside temperature was no longer an interesting fact but more a life and death struggle. If anyone has ever owned a vintage (old) VW Bus, you are privy to the fact that the heater is more of a novelty than something to rely on to, oh I don’t know…keep WARM. In addition to the ‘pilot light’ heater, the floorboards where the foot pedals came up from had a very visible hole around the perimeter of each pedal stick, to which you had a clear view of the…road, yes the road. Normally, nothing too alarming in tepid Sacramento, but when driving in below freezing temperatures, your feet actually go numb from the constant onslaught of cold air. At one point, we pulled off the highway and into a gas station to procure plastic bags. My boyfriend then wrapped his socked foot in three layers of plastic bags before he stuffed them back into his shoes.

Finally, out of fear of hypothermia and gut gnawing starvation, we pulled into Pea Soup Andersen’s in Santa Nella. Now mind you, neither one of us was a fan of split pea soup, but we were cold, tired, hungry and low on funds. They had an all you could eat option…but ONLY for split pea soup with toppings. SOLD! We ate buckets of the stuff. I can’t even say if we stayed and ate so long because we were that hungry or we were just putting off getting back into the bus. Either way, I had a new found respect for split pea soup.

We eventually arrived at our destination somewhere around 2:00 in the morning and found a note waiting for us.

“Glad you made it! But, since you are the last ones to arrive, you get to sleep on the sofa bed. Better luck next time. See you in the morning!”

I believe my spine had never recovered from the last time I had slept on that sofa bed. Ironically, we opted to sleep in the bed, back in the bus.

In the 20 plus years that have passed, I have seldom enjoyed a bowl of split pea soup as much as I did on that cold long night. Not sure if it was a distant memory or the chill in the fall air, I decided it was time for a big pot of soup. Here’s my take.

3-4 tablespoons of unsalted butter
2 large onions, chopped
2 cups of chopped celery (include celery leaves)
2 cups of chopped carrots
10-14 whole garlic cloves
3 pounds of smoked ham hocks
3 teaspoons dried French thyme
3 cups green split peas
16 cups of water
Salt and Pepper
½ cup of chopped fresh parsley.

Melt butter in heavy large pot or Dutch oven over medium-high heat. Add onion, celery, garlic and carrots. Sauté until vegetables begin to soften, about 8 minutes. Add pork and thyme; stir 1 minute. Add peas, then water, and bring to boil. Reduce heat to medium-low. Partially cover pot; simmer soup until pork and vegetables are tender and peas are falling apart, stirring often, about 1 hour and 10 minutes. Transfer hocks to a bowl.

At this point, some people elect to remove half of the soup contents to puree. However, if you refrain from putting salt in the soup until it has completely cooked, the peas will take in more water and this will allow the peas to break down themselves. I have never pureed this soup and it has always been a perfect mix of pea puree, vegetables and pieces of pork.

To complete, cut pork off bones, dice and return to the soup. Season with salt and pepper. Finish with the fresh parsley.

Shortcomings

2011-12-01T11:52:00.000-08:00

As a society, we all seem to be rushed; packing too many things into too few hours. I often catch myself scurrying around, frantic to get it all done. It’s no wonder that when it comes to food, shortcuts seem to be inevitable and ultimately sought after. The idea of spending hours preparing one meal seems indulgent, archaic even. But there are some things that cannot be rushed. One of my absolutely favorite things to eat is something that takes hours and is only at its best when time and care are taken. Short ribs were once looked down upon; a lesser cut of meat that required moisture and hours to be edible. However, like many things; what’s old is new again. Short ribs are now a staple on any self respecting bistro menu. And having a well done short rib dish puts that stamp of approval on many people’s list. It’s important to understand that if a restaurant is willing to do the diligence to properly prepare short ribs, then you might be in the company of true food respect and artistry.

So, take advantage of the downtime during the cooking process and pour yourself a glass of wine. I have adapted my short rib recipe from Anne Burrell.

3 bone-in short ribs and 3 boneless short ribs (about 6 pounds)
Salt
Olive oil
1 large sweet onion, cut into ½ inch pieces
2 ribs celery, cut into ½ inch pieces
3 peeled carrots, cut into ½ inch pieces
10-12 garlic cloves
1 ½ cups (12 ounces) tomato paste
2-3 cups of hearty red wine (I tend to use a ratio of 3 parts red wine, 1 part port)
2-3 cups of water
1 bunch of thyme tied with kitchen string
2 bay leaves

Generously season each short rib with salt. Coat a large Dutch oven with olive oil and bring to a high heat. Add the short ribs to the pan and brown very well, about 2 to 3 minutes per side. Do not overcrowd the pan. You may need to cook in batches; remove ribs if need be to a plate until you have finished browning them all.

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees

While the short ribs are browning, puree all the vegetables and garlic in the food processor until it forms a coarse paste. When the ribs are all very brown, remove them all from the pan. Leave a small amount of oil in the pan and add the pureed vegetables. Season with salt and brown them until they darken and from a crust on the bottom of the pan; approximately 5-7 minutes. (Onions often hold a good amount of water and this water may hinder the browning. If this is the case, add a teaspoon of sugar during the browning to aid in caramelizing the vegetables.) To assist in the browning, scrape the crust and redistribute to insure even browning. Add the tomato paste to the vegetables and brown paste mixture for 4-5 minutes. Add the wine/port and scrape the bottom of the pan to deglaze all the bits. Lower the heat to avoid burning the mixture and reduce it by half.

Return the short ribs to the pan and add 2 cups of water or more until the ribs are just covered. Add the thyme and bay leaves. Cover with a lid or tightly secured foil and place in the oven for 3 hours. Check the ribs during the cooking time to ensure that the ribs remain under liquid; add water if necessary. Turn the ribs over halfway through the 3 hours. During the last 30 minutes, remove the lid to release moisture, thicken the braising liquid and encourage additional browning.

Remove the pan from the oven and taste the braising liquid. If necessary, adjust the flavor by adding additional salt and/or sugar to balance out any acidity that may occur when tomatoes are included in a recipe.

I prefer to serve my short ribs over a basic soft polenta. They would also pair well with mashed potatoes or buttered egg noodles.

Tis the Season

2011-11-27T10:42:00.000-08:00

Red Velvet Cupcakes with Cream Cheese Frosting

Need I say more?

Sweet Victory

2011-11-17T07:04:00.000-08:00

I think anyone that has a passion for cooking and all things food also has their own Achilles Heel. Mine, has always been pie pastry. That is not to say that I did not have success from time to time, but it was never something that I could hope for much less count on. I like having ‘home-runs’ in my cooking arsenal, so a wild card like pastry had no place. I guess many people would just opt to purchase prepared pie pastry and call it a day, but I like to know that what I make has mostly come from my own blood, sweat and swears. Shortcuts are nice, but I feel like a poser and just want to go take a shower. However, I just could not let it go…I was capable of so many things; I should be able to work this out. I sat down with Rose Levy Beranbaum’s, Pie and Pastry Bible to find enlightenment and perhaps some big pastry secret I had missed. Although it is one of the best reference cookbooks out there, I just wasn’t getting what I needed.

Then as I was checking out my friends' Facebook status updates, I saw that Garrett, a local food blogger, placed a post about a Potato and Onion Galette. Normally, I would have read through the post and admired his pastry (secretly hating his ability to do something I can’t) but he caught my attention when he explained that he had become quite skilled with pastry thanks to Elise Bauer, another local food blogger. He provided a link to her recipe (which I had the pleasure of tasting first-hand when she brought a pie to a party) and I followed it; WORD for WORD. And it work. And it worked again. And it continues to work EVERY TIME I prepare it. I have used it for sweet and savory; simple and complex. Finally, I have bested this beast and I am no longer apprehensive about having a pastry item in my cooking arsenal. One of my favorite things to prepare with my “oh so reliable pastry” is a Nutella Galette.

Nutella Galette

Preheat oven to 375⁰

v One prepared pastry using Elise’s recipe

v 1/3 cup of Nutella Spread plus additional for drizzling

vMilk

v Almond Extract

v ¼ cup of high quality bittersweet chocolate chunks

v ¼ cup of chopped toasted hazelnuts or almonds

Use an inverted sheet pan and cover with parchment paper.

Roll out to a 12 inch diameter, about 1/8 inch thick on a lightly floured surface leaving a 1 ½-2 inch border. Place dough on parchment paper

Spread the 1/3 cup of Nutella and toss the chocolate chunks and hazelnuts/almonds over.

In a bowl, mix 3 TB of the additional Nutella and 2-3 TB of milk until you have a syrup consistency. Add 1-2 drops of the almond extract.

Drizzle over the Nutella, chocolate and nuts and then fold over the border slightly over the filling to create a crust.

Bake for 20 minutes or until the crust is golden brown.

Stuffed

2011-11-15T20:31:00.000-08:00

Growing up, the news that stuffed bell peppers were for dinner was met with the same response held for liver and onions. Needless to say, not well received. Perhaps I would have been more receptive had my Aunt Virgie served said bell peppers with a Syrah or Pinot...but I digress. Along with less than youthful skin, age has brought with it some wisdom and a refined palate.

And as is often the case, meals are made to make use of items that are on their way out. I had purchased some beautiful bell peppers at the farmer's market but had yet to find a use for them. They seemed destined to be cooked. And then I thought of those once dreaded stuffed bell peppers and I was on my path. In keeping with my mantra to 'eat clean', I changed things up a bit; grass fed substainable beef and brown rice. I guess this is where that aged wisdom occasionally makes an appearance.

Stuffed Bell Peppers

4 bell peppers

Salt

4 Tbsp extra-virgin olive oil

1 medium yellow onion, peeled and chopped

4-5 cloves of garlic, peeled and chopped

1 lb of lean grass-fed ground beef or buffalo

1 1/2 cup of cooked brown rice

1 cup chopped fresh plum tomatoes

4 tbsp chopped fresh italian parsley chopped

1 teaspoon of dried oregano or italian herb blend

1/4 cup fresh grated hard parmesan

Preheat oven to 375

Cut the top off of the bell and remove the stem and seeds. Chop any parts of the bell pepper cut to remove the top and stem. Boil the peppers completely immersed in salted water for 3-4 minutes to soften. Remove and set them upside down to drain and cool.

Place tomatoes, rice, parsley and oregano in a large bowl.

Heat 3 TB of the olive oil and cooked the onions and chopped bell peppers over medium heat, stirring often until they soften, 5-6 minutes. Add garlic and continue to cook for 1-2 minutes. Add to the bowl with the tomato mixture and then add beef and parmesan. Season with salt and pepper. Mix with hands to ensure that everything is evenly dispersed.

Place peppers in a baking dish and fill with stuffing. Add 1/2 cup of water to baking dish and bake for 50-60 minutes until you reach an internal temperature of 155-160 F.

Prior to serving, I like to brush the top with a very fruity olive oil and finish with a fresh grate of parmesan. However, this step is optional.

Coming Home to Roast

2011-10-28T16:25:00.000-07:00

Now that the seasons are starting to change, I move more toward the comfort foods that fill the home with warmth and intoxicating smells. Nothing pleases me more than something as simple as a roasted chicken. To me it’s one of those basic meals that come from the heart of nurturing that you prepare for those you love. It speaks of family Sunday dinners and the kind of time and patience you practice when you prepare a meal rather than fix a dinner.

Ingredients

1 (3 1/2 to 4 pound) chicken
1 small yellow onion, quartered
1 lemon thinly sliced
1/2 cup celery leaves
One carrot, chopped to fit in the cavity
5 whole garlic cloves
Fresh rosemary and parsley
Salt and black pepper
Butter
1 small onion, chopped
1 carrot, chopped
2 tsp chopped fresh rosemary, thyme, and/or parsley
2 cups chicken broth

Directions

Preheat oven to 425 degrees F.

Wash the chicken in hot water and dry thoroughly. Season the cavity with salt and black pepper and stuff with the onion, lemon, celery leaves, carrot, garlic, rosemary and parsley. Rub the chicken lightly with softened butter and season all over with salt and pepper. Tie the drumsticks ends together and set the chicken, breast side up, in an oiled v-shaped rack or on an oiled roasting pan in the oven.

Roast for 15 minutes at 425 degrees F, then reduce the heat to 350 degrees, baste the chicken, and roast for 15 minutes. Add the chopped onion and carrot to the pan, basting them and the chicken. Continue roasting the chicken until the juices run clear, for a total of 45 minutes plus an additional 7 minutes for each pound. (In other words, a 3 1/2 pound chicken would take a basic 45 minutes plus an additional 25 minutes, for a total 70 minutes or 1 hour and 10 minutes of cooking time.)

Remove the chicken and spoon the fat out of the roasting pan. Into the pan, stir in the herbs and blend in the broth and, stirring constantly, boil for several minutes on the stovetop to concentrate the flavor. Correct the seasoning and strain the sauce into a warm sauceboat. Carve the chicken and serve with the warm sauce

As Requested

2011-10-27T14:40:00.000-07:00

As anyone can see….I have been highly neglectful of my blog. I blame it all on Facebook. When it comes right down to it, I can only claim plain old laziness. However, in using Facebook as my vehicle to share parts of my life, photos, and food, I have been asked several times for recipes of things I have made that I have posted to my page. So, for my next few posts, I will be providing those requested recipes.

Poached Salmon with Fresh Tomato-Basil Sauce

1/3-1/2 cup of dry white wine
1 green onion chopped
2 6-ounce, 1 inch thick skinless salmon fillet
Pinch of lemon zest
Half a clove of garlic finely chopped.

Prepare the fresh Tomato-Basil Sauce (recipe below) prior to poaching the salmon
Bring wine, onion, lemon zest and garlic to a simmer in a heavy-gauged large skillet. Add fish, cover and simmer until salmon is cooked through, about 8 minutes. Transfer to plates and season lightly with sea salt to taste. Spoon the sauce over the fish.

Fresh Tomato-Basil Sauce

2 very ripe roma tomatoes, diced
2 cloves of garlic, finely minced
¼ cup of fresh basil chopped (to prevent basil from darkening, sprinkle lightly with a little olive oil prior to chopping)
1/8 cup Extra Virgin Olive Oil
A splash of Balsamic Vinegar
Salt and Pepper.

Combine the tomatoes, garlic and basil in a bowl. Add the olive oil and the vinegar. Salt and pepper to taste.

Roasted Brussel Sprouts

1 pound of brussel sprouts trimmed and halved.
1 large garlic clove, minced
1 TB of Extra Virgin Olive Oil
Salt and Pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 450⁰

Toss together the brussel sprouts, garlic, olive oil, salt and pepper on a sheet pan. Roast in the upper third of the oven stirring once halfway through until sprouts are brown on the edges and tender. About 25 minutes total.

Seeds of Change

2011-10-12T16:38:00.000-07:00

So a couple of months ago, my friend Chris had just seen a movie and had what I could only call an epiphany. The movie was Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. Much like the man in the movie, Chris’ health was at an all time low and he really couldn’t see how, when or where he would make a change. In the last couple of years he had been handling a tremendous amount of stress and it had physically manifested itself and taken his body prisoner. He was unsure how to get it back… And then he saw this movie. And then he watched it again. And then he bought a juicer. And then he quite literally committed himself to 60 days of a pure juice fast. Due to our busy schedules, I hadn’t actually really seen him in weeks, 6 to be exact. To say that I was astonished would be an understatement. It wasn’t just that he had dropped a serious amount of weight, more importantly; he had a sparkle in his eyes that I hadn’t seen before. It’s like he had his life handed back to him. He was energetic, engaging and happy. And, it has been utterly contagious. From that get together, he’s inspired not just me, but other friends of ours on juice journeys. All of us have different goals and committed days, but he has initiated change in each and every one of us. From this little seed of inspiration, four of us will be meeting the man who started this phenomenon, Joe Cross; the man from the movie. On Friday we are heading to Benicia for a screening and Q&A with our Juice Gandhi. That day will be Chris’ 59th day of juicing; a significant day just on its own, but he will get to meet the man who help him get his health, and with it, his life back again. It’s just a reminder that anyone of us can be the inspiration for change.

On Monday, I will be beginning my 10 day pure juice fast. I have been juicing for my breakfasts and the occasional lunch, but this will be a pure juice fast. I seriously cannot wait.

Of course, there are some negative aspects to a juice fast…body odor and frequent trips to the restroom. The price we pay for better bodies; I’ll take it!

My Juicing Station

Pork...a love affair

2010-08-23T19:37:00.000-07:00

It is no secret that I am obsessed with food. No, not in the 'pry the cookie dough out of my hand' obsession, but the kind of obsession that does not allow me to live a day without reading about, preparing or watching about food in some context. That being said, I can't eat with reckless abandon like I did 20 years ago. And the food that I grew up on would not be considered health conscious by any means. If it wasn't for the lettuce, iceberg no less, that we stuffed into our tacos, fresh produce wasn't in the culinary arsenal of the Mexican food that my mother prepared.

To prepare authentic carnitas....they MUST be fried; fried in lard. What did you actually think? Carnitas are amazing because they are fried in lard. But I had to ask the question; do they really need to be fried to be orgasmic? I decided that they did not. Although the piece of pork that I use is not the leanest piece, the preparation can lay waste to some of that food guilt. So, here is my take on a healthier version....

Carnitas

4-5 pound bone-in pork shoulder. (Yes, you can remove SOME of the fat, but please leave some on, it is necessary)

6-7 garlic cloves cut into slices

5-6 medium onions sliced lengthwise and then sliced into 1/4 inch slices

olive oil

1/2 cup of dark beer

1/4-1/3 cup of fresh squeezed citrus juice with pulp (I used a combo of ruby grapefruit and orange juices)

salt and pepper

Preheat oven to 325 degrees

With a pairing knife, make slits all over the roast and stuff the garlic slices in the holes. Pat the roast dry and season all over with salt and freshly ground pepper.

Heat 2 tablespoons of olive oil in the pan in moderately hot heat, but not smoking. Brown the roast on all sides. When the roast is browned, remove and place on plate.

Lower the heat to medium and add all of the onions. Saute for 5 minutes until the onions start to soften and brown. Add 1/2 teaspoon of salt and continue to saute for 10/15 minutes until the onions are caramelized.

Add the liquid to the pan and stir to remove the bits from the bottom of the pan. Add the pork onto the top of the onions and cover the dutch oven with a tight fitting lid. Place in oven.

Roast for 2-1/2 to 3 hours until the meat is tender and falls away from the bone. Shred meat with fingers when cool enough.

You can prepare a day ahead. My secret to reheating without drying the meat out is to place the meat in foil and put into a steamer basket over hot water. This not only retains the moisture but places a small amount back that is lost when refrigerated.

To finish the carnitas tacos, I prefer the following:

Small "taquito" corn tortillas toasted over open gas flame or in a dry non stick pan

Fresh topped cilantro and onion

Fresh sliced radish

Crumbled Queso Fresco (if you are lucky enough to find a Mexican deli that sells it...do so!)

Cubed avocado

Salsa (your preference)

Fresh limes

Pesto, pesto, pesto

2010-08-20T10:46:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favorite times of year....tomatoes and basil are in season, at their peak of beauty and flavor. So, I picked up three large bunches of basil and organic heirloom cherry tomatoes. Pesto was on the menu last night....delicious. Scroll down for the recipe.

Pesto

1/4 cup dry roasted unsalted walnuts

1/4 cup dry roasted unsalted pinenuts

9 cloves of garlic

5 cups of fresh basil leaves packed

1 tsp kosher salt

1 tsp freshly ground pepper

1 1/2 cups of high quality extra virgin olive oil

1 cup of freshly grated parmesan cheese, preferably grana padano

Agave nectar to taste

Place the walnuts, pinenuts and garlic in a food processor fitted with a steele blade. Process for 30 seconds. Add the basil leaves, salt and pepper. With the processor running, slowly pour the olive oil into the bowl through the feeding tube and process until the pesto is finely pureed. Add the parmesan and puree for a minute. Add 1/2 tsp (more or less to taste) of the Agave Nectar and puree for 10 seconds. The nectar takes the bite off the raw garlic and balances the flavors.

Serve, or store pesto in the refrigerator or freezer with a thin layer of olive oil on top to retain the color of the basil.

Poinsettia or Bust

2010-07-20T16:23:00.000-07:00

A brief note:

Graham and I are spending time together again. It’s hard to find someone that you have things in common with and a connection. And time spent away from one another can truly be beneficial. I have made alot of changes in the last 7 months and although there were times that I hit some really low points, I would not trade any of the experiences I have had or the amazing people that I have met that have become apart of my life. At the end of my life, I only want to regret the things that I did….I never want to regret the things that I did not do.

So, I certainly did NOT want to squander an opportunity to spend time in Poinsettia… This past weekend we went to a ghost town deep in the heart of the desert in Nevada. I can’t disclose the location…the beauty of the experience is knowing that only a select few have knowledge of its existence. It is seriously out in the middle of nowhere and I would guess that the closest water and electricity is 40 miles away. Needless to say, as all good things go, there is work and effort for such an amazing payoff.

Glen, Marites, Anna, Graham and I piled into a rented SUV literally stuff to the gills with luggage, camping equipment and food. All of us had to forgo some item in order to get everything inside….Since we stopped a few times on the way, I am not sure exactly how long the drive was, but I would venture to say 6 hours. Considering the cramped quarters, it was actually a happy car trip.

There is a small town called Gabbs where our ghost town hosts (The Alkali Flats) were playing live on Friday at R & D’s Bar. And as far as I can tell, they are the only live band ever to grace this little community. As is their custom for such an important event, the town had a potluck at the bar to welcome the band before their performance. Slowly throughout the evening, more ghost town attendees coming from all parts of California and Oregon started to arrive at the bar to enjoy the entertainment before we all made our way back to the ghost town.

Now, there were some general rules to adhere when being invited to the ghost town as the place is pretty much on an honor system. First off, there is a formal dinner held on Saturday. Yes, there in the middle of the desert you are expected to dress up in formal attire and sit down to an amazing sunset meal on top of the ridge overlooking the great expanse. Second, there is a saloon that is rather well stocked and you must bring a bottle of spirits and a shot glass to add to the provisions. And finally, you must prepare a dish for the formal dinner. Let me tell you, these people bring their A-game. You will not find a tub of potato salad from Costco or seven layer dip. Nope, these people are serious and the expectation is already set.

On Saturday, everyone dispersed throughout the ghost town to kill time in the hot desert sun. Graham and I took a long hike along the ridge, some played Scrabble and cards on the porches of the few ramshackle homes, a few fellas enjoyed skeet shooting, while others took refuge in Whitey’s Saloon to throw back drinks and tell some stories. Tim White, the town “mayor” to which the saloon was named after, notified everyone that dinner was set for sometime after 8:00. On occasion, someone would yell out a countdown to dinner. With that, everyone took to getting their dish prepared and suited up in their formal attire to join everyone at the top of the ridge.

As previously stated, the food was amazing and we were lucky to enjoy some killer dishes made by way of a few Dutch ovens. After dinner, as is the tradition of this formal dinner in the desert, 15-20 fire lamps were lit and released into the sky to mark the end of the meal. As an added benefit, some residents of Gabbs had joined us at the formal dinner and came bearing an entire fireworks show. Seriously, a fireworks show that went on for a couple of hours. Of course, after the end of a very long day the ‘pyrotechnic’ staff was three sheets to the wind and the commentary coming from the launch point was more entertaining than the fireworks themselves; especially when one would go haywire and fire off in the wrong direction. No one had issue until some came dangerously close to the saloon. That would be alcohol abuse and it would not be tolerated.

It was a wonderful weekend and I felt honored that I was invited to experience such a special place with such truly awesome people.

Not even a spare inch of space

Thunderclouds and lightning on our road trip

Enjoying the expansive view

The offical notification of no man's land....a road beer

It always tastes better when you are breaking the rules

A windmill made of car parts....not as cool as the sky

The infamous R & D's Bar in Gabbs, Nevada

A beautiful rainbow after the thunderstorm

The Alkali Flats LIVE!

You gotta love a small town....

I am pretty sure that the gas station is a cash business

That little speck in the middle is the Poinsettia Ghost Town

The skies were so clear that you could see the moon all day

Killing time in Whitey's Saloon

The gentleman in the middle is a resident of Gabbs and an honored guest at the ghost town

Mayor Tim on the right.

The Sunset Dinner

Another honored guest of the ghost town and the largest flask I have ever seen

The fellas in all their finest

More dinner shots

The lighting of the sky laterns....at one point there were 15-20 in the sky.

The last day at Poinsettia

Caliente

2010-06-25T10:57:00.000-07:00

I have fallen in love...with Luz Casal.

In particular, this song; Un Ano de Amor

Enjoy....

Daddy Dearest

2010-06-11T17:05:00.000-07:00

Now that my father and I have made great strides in communication, phone calls take place more often and don’t end with someone hanging up on the other. Of course, I am still panicked that one day I will call and be faced with the ‘father of old’. So, I am grateful for each exchange that ends on a positive note.

It would appear that my father is enjoying the process as well. However, I think he needs to pace himself with this new ‘fatherly’ role. This morning I called to check on him…. to make sure he can still fog up a mirror so to speak. He asked me how the catering/restaurant plan was progressing and I told him that it looks like the brewery concept is within reach and the hard work begins. And then he said…

“So, I guess you don’t plan on getting married again? Are you even seeing anyone? You know you aren’t getting any younger…”

Ouch

Well, this is all kinds of fun...Gosh dad, I am not feeling sufficiently bad enough; should we go try on bathing suits? I was starting to remember I took some pleasure in not speaking to my father. He is not known for his subtlety and he did not disappoint on this one. I quickly made an attempt to change the subject. And at this point, discussing his ongoing foot fungus was at the top of my list. I would rather hear hours about that, then one more second on the topic of my failed relationships or lack thereof. But he would not be derailed. Fuck.

“Do you still talk to your ex-husband?”

“No, he’s remarried. His new wife works in my building.”

“See, he found someone…..”

“Dad, I did find someone. It just didn’t work out.”

“Mija, you don’t want to die alone. I won’t always be here...”

“Just because I get married doesn’t mean I won’t die alone. I’m happy dad….doesn’t that count?”

“Yeah, you’re happy…. But it’s better to be a widow than an old maid.”

Was he seriously advocating the future death of a non-existent husband over a life spent without one? I seriously considered giving him a gallon of brandy and a bottle of Oxy for Father’s Day. Fuck that, I need the brandy and the Oxy.

I lied and told him that I was getting in my car and couldn’t continue the conversation. One more second would require locating the closest sharp object and plunging it directly into my temple. It was about then that I started to think that Lizzie Borden was greatly misunderstood.

Apparently, my father and I will have an adjustment period now that he is back in my life. I need to be mindful that despite everything, he is still a parent. And as a parent, he wants to know that I will be okay. In his day, okay meant married. But he seriously needs to work on his delivery; my self esteem can’t handle his…deft approach.

Independence

2010-06-09T17:04:00.001-07:00

Anna and I were chatting on the phone today and she was relaying a story about how a friend of hers said that she didn’t think that Anna would find anyone because she was too independent, too busy. I confirmed to Anna that this could be an issue because Mike had called me to the mat for the very same thing. He even pointed out that I was ‘very social’ like it was a bad thing. Apparently, we must discover the fine balance between being independent and needy (aka co-dependent). Men want to know that we will prioritize them…even if they aren’t in a place yet to be prioritized. Needless to say, I am no longer seeing Mike….

How frustrating. After stumbling through our breakups, we had found our own paths, our own interests, friends, goals, etc and now we are being told that this too must be practiced with restraint. Dare I say that we have become a bit selfish…But, yes by all means….let’s just put aside all those silly little things that we want to do to make room for someone in our lives. I can honestly say that I have never required a man to meet this expectation. If I accept a man for who he is and what he does, why can I not expect the same treatment? And this conversation comes on the heels of nailing an investor for the catering/restaurant venture. I anticipate a good deal of my time will be committed to this project. If someone feels that I am not focused enough on them right now…what would they think when I have even less time? I want to enjoy cooking, event planning and developing this vision without guilt….it’s been a dream; one that I didn’t think was possible. I don’t want to feel conflicted. I am sure that part of my reluctance to give in is due in part to not wanting to lose myself again…like I would be slowly chipping away little pieces of myself if I cancelled a plan, rescheduled a trip, declined an invitation. Right now, I have the freedom to accept anything without having to check with anyone. It’s very liberating.

I never again want to be in a relationship where I make room for a man who is just there to “see how it goes” and later determines that it just doesn’t work for them. If I can keep my life and all that goes with it and they can still be interested in pursuing me, then maybe the relationship won’t fracture and fall apart. Because then…it will be real.

However, until conditions improve we must deal with the occasional loneliness, missing the embrace of a man and the intoxication of passion. We may have to accept that a fling may be the only thing that we can schedule if we are required to ‘scale back’ our ‘social’ calendars. Yes, I can take lovers and schedule them like teeth cleanings. Not my first choice, but you do what have to.

Hopefully I will find a way to bridge the gap between needing someone and having independence. I know, it’s basically the Relationship Holy Grail, but I dare to dream.

WOO HOO!!!!

2010-06-08T16:18:00.000-07:00

I have so much to post about from this past weekend (so much fun with so many friends!!!) but it will have to wait. I just got word that my business partner and I have locked down an investor. It looks like our business plan is about to materialize....wow, wow, wow. It just became so real...

Mending Fences

2010-06-01T15:53:00.000-07:00

Recently, I have spoken with my father on the phone a few times and the conversations have actually been conversations. He hasn’t been intoxicated or mean….this is HUGE. So, I was telling him about the event planning business and the Second Saturday photography showing that I am setting up in July. And, as I was going on about the photographs that I was working on to include in the showing, he stopped me in mid-sentence.

“You take pictures? Pictures that are being sold?”

“Well, there are no guarantees that they will be sold, but yes, they will be included in the exhibit. And even if they don’t sell, the event itself will bring in some decent income. So, it’s a win, win.”

And then my father said the most amazing thing…

“Mija, I am so proud of you. I know you probably don’t want to hear it, but you are so much like your mother. As crazy as she was, she was talented and smart. That woman could always make things happen out of nothing...and boy was she tough. Just like you.” And then his voice broke at the end.

The tears welled up and spilled out of my eyes. It was the most authentic compliment I had ever received from my father.

“Thanks dad…that really means a lot. I wish mom was here to share this. It’s too bad that things turned out the way they did. But then again, I wouldn’t be who I was if it had gone any other way.”

It was the first time I didn’t expect or even want an apology from him for all the things he had done. For some reason, this dialogue between he and I was more than I would have imagined a year ago and it was enough.

I don’t have a conventional relationship with my father or for that matter with my mother when she was alive. But, I do have to recognize that surviving life with my parents has given me the strength, compassion and patience to tap into when dealing with others in my life. And these recent conversations are reminders that it is NEVER too late to salvage a relationship. Even if others aren’t capable of change, I am and I am willing to take a chance and see what happens….a cautious step. I have no expectations of my father because inherently, he is not different, but I am.

I never had the chance to rectify the relationship I had with my mother before she passed away but maybe my dad and I have a chance. Perhaps he doesn’t deserve my compassion for the way he treated me and the unspeakable things he did to our family, but I would like to believe that he and I deserve to make good memories and find some peace. I have no desire to hold grudges and keep score….I would hate that my foolish pride and stubbornness would shut the door on any connection we can make. He is my father, the only one I have. He is flawed and difficult to love, but ultimately he is alone and it’s against my grain to abandon anyone. How can I look in the mirror and abandon my father if he is trying?

Of course, I am naturally skeptical (I get that from my mother)…so I have been making a series of surprise visits to his home and I haven’t find much if any alcohol and not one cigarette. He does have one new addiction….home shopping. And he needs to stop because he keeps ordering all this crap for me. I am now the proud owner of two onion choppers, an industrial size juicer, Shamwows, produce bags and some kind of rotisserie oven thingy. But if that’s the worst thing I have to deal with, I’ll take it.

The last time I was there…I gave him a hug and told him to take care of himself and stop eating so much junk food (he has a thing for fried chicken and ice cream). He kissed me on the cheek, thanked me and told me I was a good daughter. In the past, he would have motioned (pushed) me toward the door and told me to shut up and stop nagging him.

So, I guess he’s giving me a chance too.

Patience, Presumptions and Panic

2010-05-27T13:50:00.000-07:00

Life has been going at top speed and I need to take a pause. Luckily, Mike has been extremely patient with me, my schedule and my life. He might be the most patient man I have ever met. And to someone like myself who is equally as patient, that does not go unnoticed. I felt bad that I had been less than attentive to his phone calls, text messages and emails. But I am not one of those people that conduct phone calls while doing 100 other things. If I am going to call, I am going to make time to do so. It’s indicative of your level of consideration for others… Anyway, he was intuitive enough to pick up on the fact that this may be an unconscious test on my part…how much would a man be willing to put up with if he truly was interested in spending time with me? Apparently, quite a bit and he passed.

I do have a couple of red flags though... I am concerned that he may be too conservative for my tastes. That will reveal itself as time goes by. But the scariest flag of all…I think I am in the presence of the ever elusive, ‘relationship guy’…….a man that quite clearly wants ‘the one’. He is definitely looking to get married... As you recall, I am not interested in a full on, intense relationship...something that he and I have already discussed, in depth. I’m not even comfortable with the word ‘boyfriend’. Unfortunately, I believe that only the French can refer to their romantic counterparts as ‘lovers’ without the raised eyebrows of those in close proximity. So, I guess that option is out. ‘Man Friend’? No…sounds like a dog. I suspect that this might be a label guy and I am not at a place where I want to be labeled. Is there a requirement that things have to be defined? Can two people just enjoying spending their time together without an end goal in sight? But there I go again….continually fighting the tides that I be put into a box; single, taken, married, divorced. Can’t I just….be?

Okay…so maybe I should focus on his positive attributes. Like previously mentioned…he is patient, intuitive and kind. He is gainfully employed and has a very open work schedule. And since he had previously had his own practice, he understands the demands of self employment. Here’s the ironic part….he is another cyclist. Seriously, I can’t escape these guys. He road and mountain bikes and is an avid runner…so he is in great shape, good looking and lives a very healthy lifestyle. This could be promising.

So there I was….feeling better about the situation; allowing myself to open the door at the very least, to dating and then that door slammed me in my face and the panic set in. I woke up this morning to a text message. And the message caused me to quite literally drop the phone…

“Have a great day honey!”

How did we get to honey? Did I miss something? I have nothing against endearments…but at this stage (assuming there would even be additional stages), it was just wrong. ‘Honey’ represents a familiarity, dare I say a commitment level that we are clearly no way near. I really thought that I was communicating to him that I wasn’t even sure that I wanted a relationship and now I had a ‘honey’ to deal with. So, I responded to his text.

“You too!”

It was all I could think of… Perhaps he was just being funny or ironic. I didn’t want to presume that he was being, well….presumptuous. Here I was…not sure that I even wanted to date at all let alone just one person and now the word ‘honey’ was all I could think about. One little word, one big issue.

I am not used to being the one that is distant and unobtainable and to be honest, I am not totally comfortable in the role. After all, I hate hurting anyone’s feelings. However, I am less comfortable having someone placing expectations on me that I am unwilling and unprepared to meet. I may need to reconsider heading down the Mike path. And one other thing I might need to reconsider; text messaging. As I write this post, I received a text message from my dim-witted suitor that had gone MIA. God help me, I find his disappearing act very attractive…dare I say sexy. Yes, ambivalence has become very attractive.

Defining Moments

2010-05-20T15:44:00.000-07:00

I hate to coin a phrase that in current pop culture is more related to Dr. Phil’s brand of junk food psycho-therapy. And I especially hate to use the phrase when I consider that brand of therapy to be lacking any form of substance or reflection. Dr. Phil’s arm chair pontification is in essence, junk science and the man should be sued for malpractice at the very least. But I digress…

Nonetheless, “defining moments” is a relevant term. They mark events in your life that require you to forever alter your path based on the decisions that you make. And sometimes, defining moments are the results of the decisions of others. In January, I was dealt a defining moment…and I, not it, altered my path. I appreciate my life more…I enjoy a life that is more, dare I say, self-centered. I am in a more honest place…a place where I acknowledge my faults, am self –aware of my strengths and weaknesses and I allow myself to put clear boundaries in place. In essence, I have found my voice. And taking this path has expanded my life and changed me in ways that I never would have imagined.

These changes were significant enough that my current approach to life was pointed out to me….specifically my accessibility. In fact, Mike called me out on my lack of availability and my apparent unwillingness to alter my schedule to make room for his presence. He was a bit frustrated that my free time was fleeting at best; a defining moment. And the answer I gave him was raw and honest, firm but gentle…and I didn’t feel particularly apologetic. I explained that in the past, I had made others the center of my universe. My mode of caring, love and support was to put my needs and even my life aside to be available to others, whether I was needed or not. And although it is an admirable trait, it had not served me well. At times, it wasn’t appreciated or even reciprocated. Now, the most important relationship, my number one priority is to me. I further explained that my broken heart could also be contributed, not just to the loss of Graham, but to the loss of my own life. Perhaps, the break up would have been less painful if I hadn’t deserted my own interests, my life to be completely there for Graham and for Lindsay. And there I was…left alone to pick up the pieces and familiarize myself with…well, me. I had to learn to live for myself. So, I heeded some wonderful words from dear friends and took that time as a gift, an opportunity to really go inside of myself and find my joy, my heart, my soul. For you cannot be of value to others if you don’t find the value of yourself.

It would be lovely to have a partner, a companion to compliment my life, but I needed to let him know that there is no negotiation at this time…I must have a fully developed life of interests, friends and pursuits, separate from any romantic relationships/entanglements. My relationships can no longer define who I am. I am so much more than Ron’s wife or Graham’s girlfriend. Or Ron’s ex-wife or Graham’s ex-girlfriend. I am Michelle. Michelle the event planner, Michelle the photographer, Michelle the cook, Michelle the writer, Michelle the friend. And none of those Michelles require another person to be complete.

In the past, I would have jumped in with everything I had, but this time I put up my hand and communicated what, if anything, I was willing to give and accept. And I made no apologies. I have things I want to accomplish in my life and compromising that for someone I have only known for weeks or even months isn’t something I am willing to do. The only expectations that I am responsible to meet are the ones that I set for myself and it’s very liberating. My declaration to him was the maiden voyage of putting myself first, verbalizing those needs and limitations, and letting the chips fall where they may. And in the end, I win either way.

Whirlwind Weekend

2010-05-10T10:38:00.000-07:00

This weekend was on fast forward from the word go. As you know, Chris and I held our Animal Shelter Benefit Event this weekend and the majority of the preparation started on Friday. I took the day off from my 9-5 job to handle this job. Friday was the day to run around, shop, pick up items from friends and acquaintances, and finally….cook. And as things always go…there were a few bumps along the way including a medical transportation company attempting to drop Chris’ mom off at the shop (that's a whole other post). But, Chris and I held it together knowing that at the end of the day, we would be working in the kitchen with the music on, wine in hand and having a good time. It felt so good to be partnered with someone in a kitchen again....cooking and laughing. Even Chris’ daughter Naomi pitched in to help us out. And now, Naomi and I are best friends!

Naomi pitching in!!!

Saturday started like all my events…with the LIST. Anyone who knows me knows that I love a list. So, I hit the ground running and didn’t stop until midnight. I loaded up my car, picked up chafing dishes at Jeff’s (thank you mon ami), got some desperately needed coffee at Peets and finally pulled up to the shop. And with that….it was time to get down to business.

It was awesome to see all my planning, hounding, nagging and hard work become a reality right before my eyes. At one point, I looked around and saw so many of my friends and loved ones there in support of us...I felt blessed. And we made some great connections… I have come so far from where I was just a few months ago. And, I saw what I accomplished with just an idea and a desire to make it happen. It was a great event; the shelter benefited and Chris and I were able to see that with our teamwork, we can make things happen. I left completely exhausted and exhilarated….but the day was not over.

Anna had an art showing at Harlow’s and I wanted to be there in support of her and Barbara (the owner of Harlow’s). I headed home, showered and headed right back out. Barbara had the showing in the back patio with a really nice band playing. And there again, were so many of our friends (old and new) in support of Anna. And, I bumped into Keith…a documentary film maker that I had met last year. He does some great work and I found out that his film, Diamond in the Dunes received some major backing and will be premiering at The Crest…looking forward to it! Thanks for the add Keith!

At some point in the evening…I ran out of steam but not before Don talked me into going to Yoshi’s Oakland on Sunday with he and Anna to see Carlos Varela and Jackson Browne. I also have some vague memory of telling Mercury that I would show up for his hot yoga class the next day. Needless to say, I didn’t make the yoga class. Sorry Mercury…next time!

I spent most of Sunday doing absolutely NOTHING and it felt wonderful. However, I still needed to get ready and head to Yoshi’s with Anna. First stop…we both needed caffeine and we needed it immediately. But it was all worth it. Carlos Valera was amazing….great, great show.

Carlos Varela

And one last odd thing occurred this weekend….last night I received a text message from the “Houdini” fellow I had dated last month. He said he was sorry that he couldn’t make my event, but hoped it went well. Note to self: don't accept a Facebook friend request prematurely. I am tempted to ignore the text... As you might recall, he was a bit dim and he didn't seem to appreciate my sense of humor. But as they say……..when one door closes, another one opens. At this point, I am looking to a have more than just one door. So, I am keeping all my options (and doors) open....

Postmortem...of my date

2010-04-30T17:13:00.000-07:00

Like I said, I went on an actual date last night. He was a very nice man, but no sparks, nothing. We had a lovely dinner, good conversation and he walked me to my car. Yep, the ABCs of dating… But as I drove away, I had a feeling that I didn’t expect. It was….RELIEF.

Let me back up a bit…. While I was parking my car, before I went to meet him in the restaurant, I was overcome with the feeling that I don’t want a boyfriend or a relationship or anything. I kept longing for a glass of wine, curled up on my sofa, enjoying the tranquility of my life. I actually entered into the date with the feeling of, “let’s just get this over with so I can go home”. Not the best way to start a date… And of course, there was the thought… “Oh god, what if I actually like him? Then what?”

So, now you understand the feeling of relief.

Have I become selfish? Why yes I have. I am doing what I want, when I want, with whom I want and I am really enjoying my life. And I am afraid that if I try to work someone into that…they’ll screw it all up and I am not willing to let that happen. In the last 4 months, I have made so many new friends and acquaintances. And some of these people are so interesting, that I would rather spend my time cultivating those relationships than trying to forge a new ‘romantic’ one with all its complications and responsibilities.

When you are in a relationship, you always have to be concerned whether they are happy, having a good time around your friends, had enough attention paid to them, etc. I’m pretty sure that I don’t want to have that as an issue on my ever growing list of things to do and responsibilities at hand. Where would I fit it in? And now that I am selfish, my little habits and proclivities are priorities now. I don’t feel like giving them up to go to someone’s house to have a bottle of wine and watch a DVD. I don’t feel like explaining that I would rather be home reading the Food and Wine that came in the mail that very day, go on a long walk around my neighborhood, catch up on the ridiculous amount of Anthony Bourdain that I have on my TiVo, and a desperate desire to spend 4 hours taking pictures of the same bowl of fruit. Normally, I would be embarrassed and perhaps think that others might find my interests trivial. But dammit, they’re my interests and by that very definition…they are important. Yep, I am really enjoying the relationship that I am having with myself and I am soooo not ready to break up with me. So, rather than cheat on myself, I have decided to commit to myself. No more dates, no more coffee get togethers and rounds of ‘get to know you’ cocktails. I am done, for now.

Question….does anyone know how to tell a couple of gentlemen that I would rather date myself without sounding like a crazy bitch?

Time is flying!

2010-04-29T12:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I don’t’ have much to blog about on a personal level. I have been so focused on the catering business and preparing for our launch event, that my free time is consumed. So, check out the other blog to see the progress on that end…

My friend Tim visited this week and we got together for dinner. We had much to catch up on since we hadn’t seen each other in over a year. But it was good to have some wine and food and find out what he and his family have been up to. And we vowed to try to keep in better contact…the operative word being ‘try’. Thank god for Facebook….otherwise, we would have no idea what we’ve been up to.

I do have a date tonight. Not a meet for coffee thing or drink thing, but an actual date where he takes me to dinner. Whoa! Of course we are meeting at the restaurant….not quite ready to let him know where I live. So, we will see how this goes. However, looking at my schedule, I don’t really have time to date. Which actually may be a good thing….

Of course, Chris and I will be working on Saturday to finish up the loose ends of the event for next week, buy a BBQ and complete our flyers, etc. However, we have a difficult time getting things accomplished because we can both be a little ADD from time to time. Luckily, I can also be completely anal retentive and a task master. So, we will not leave until the work is done…yeah right!

And assuming that Chris and I finish our work, Melanie and I have plans to see RÁN on Saturday night. They are the trio that will be playing at the catering event next week. Looking forward to hearing some good music and showing some love to Justin and the guys!

As much as I would love to step out in support of Karla…I don’t think time and space will allow me to make the Peace Love and Pitbulls benefit. If I can clone myself, it might be possible. But Karla, I am with you in spirit sista! Oh, and have fun at the Derby….I want to see pictures of your hat.

On Sunday, Jeff and I are procuring some ‘gently loved’ furniture from Mike. I may have a furniture refinishing project on my hands. But, I am all about the ‘second hand market’….reuse, recycle, repurpose baby!!! And after we are done moving furniture, we get to enjoy Jeff’s birthday neighborhood BBQ. Happy Birthday my friend!

Anyway….that’s all for now. I know that I normally blog about things that have already occurred, but who knows when I will get the chance for the next 10 days. I love it when life gets this crazy; it reminds me that I am alive!

Music to my ears...and then a crash

2010-04-26T16:39:00.000-07:00

I have to say, this weekend was full of activities and one horrible incident, but I really have to acknowledge that I am having such a great time right now…that even the little stuff isn’t getting me down.

First off….the weather was perfect the entire weekend. I couldn’t have ordered a better forecast. In fact, it was so beautiful that I decided to take off from work a couple of hours early and head over to the shop. Chris, Jill and I had a great time just ‘shootin' the shit’ and enjoying some pints of cider. And we booked another catering event….something about the Shriners and mountain biking. All I want to know is…do I get a fez???? We later joined Kevin and Bob at Ju Hachi for happy hour. Reminder…take caution when enjoying ‘rounds’ of sake; you may end up agreeing to volunteer for the Parkway Half Marathon. Just take a wild guess who that volunteer may be…

Later that evening, Anna and I made plans to go to Marilyn’s on K to see Ricky Berger and Sal Valentino…we joined up with Jeff and Nancy. I had never heard of Ricky Berger, but I have to say…she was amazing! Her voice is beautiful and she evoked so much emotion that she had herself and many of us in tears. I also enjoyed Sal Valentino…his strings section was spot on. You have to love a band with a stand up bass player, especially a good looking one.…

Ricky and Sal at Marilyn's on K

Of course, I spent my Saturday morning at Tupelo. It’s my new office… I was able to putz around most of the day with plans for the evening with Melanie. We decided to go to karaoke at the local ‘alternative’ bar, Hamburger Patties. Although we do not karaoke ourselves, we were able to…enjoy/endure the performances of others. It was a fun time until we left. On my way to drop Melanie back home, a driver, looking to turn left, failed to yield on my green light and we ended up crashing. Luckily, I have a witness that is able to confirm that I had the right of way. Apparently, the other driver thought that the green light was just for their direction of traffic….WRONG. The accident took on a surreal aspect when out of the other car came four Chinese bridesmaids in peach poufy dresses and one groomsman. Since the groomsman started to become defensive and aggressive with me, I decided to step away and have the police communicate with the other party and someone in that party must have called the bride. When Melanie, my witness and I looked up, “here came the bride” fully decked out and wearing flip flops. I am not sure why she was called to come to the scene of an accident on her wedding night…but there she was. The accident took place outside the area’s main medical trauma center, so we had no less than 4 police cruisers in the middle of two crashed cars and almost a complete Chinese wedding party. I am sure that we were quite the sight to see. Luckily, no one was hurt and my car sustained cosmetic damage only.

My poor baby...

I was supposed to attend a clothes swap cocktail party on Sunday afternoon, but I was a bit sleep deprived from all the excitement the night before. So, I decided to sit that one out and get some much needed rest. Dave Barton was playing at Naked Coffee Lounge at The Retro Lodge along with Kyle Williams. Anna and I had let Dave know we would be in attendance. Unfortunately, we couldn’t spread ourselves thin enough to go see Mikey and the Nibblers at another venue….we’ll have to go another time. Anyway, Dave and Kyle were both excellent. The Lounge is such a great venue….relaxed and just very representative of the city vibe going on in Sacramento.

Kyle Williams

Dave Barton

So, I have an operable but banged up car at the moment. However, no one was injured and I am covered by great insurance. Chris and I booked another event and I enjoyed some amazing music this weekend in the company of old and new friends...not a bad life at all.

Another Blog....

2010-04-19T16:51:00.000-07:00

I have decided to have another blog for our catering adventures.... This ought to be interesting, as I have a hard enough time just keeping up with this one.

http://musingsinmisenplace.blogspot.com/

~Michelle~

It's Monday...when did that happen?

2010-04-19T14:33:00.000-07:00

It’s funny….you have a weekend wide open and it quickly fills up with activities and plans and before you know it, the alarm is going off Monday morning.

So went my weekend…. Friday found me having a couple of pints with Kevin at deVere’s after work. He was trying to convince me to join him at a birthday party for a woman he really didn’t know as he had RSVP’d for an event that had dwindled down to 6 attendees. I am sure you would know what my answer would be…uhm, no. Besides, it was at California Pizza Kitchen….where real pizza and food goes to die a slow death. Sorry, I am a bit of a food snob; I have no control over it…I am merely a pawn.

Later, Aysha, Denise and I headed over to The Torch Club to check out a band; Denise knew one of the members. As always, we had a good time. Of course, the club has a full cast of crazy…. In fact, one woman so irritated, offended or just creeped people out that she managed to clear an entire table of 4 men. One by one they bolted and scattered throughout the club; one was quite literally ducking behind a larger man. Once out of men to irritate, she set her sights on us. I had to level down my ‘mean girl card’ and just shut her down by not acknowledging her presence and taking an immediate trip to the restroom. I have no tolerance for completely trashed, out of control people…especially when they start going around bullying people to get on the dance floor. At some point, she shared her obvious charms with the percussionist. Too bad for him….he had no way to escape.

Of course the next morning, I killed some of my time at Tupelo. It was a beautiful day to sit outside and enjoy my coffee while I made plans to meet with Chris to discuss the event business launch on May 8th as well as a couple of caterings we have booked. And Chris and I have entered into ‘indentured servitude’ with a local realtor for all his broker openings and various business events. Of course, once discussion of events and food came up, we found that we were in need of a grill to be kept at the shop. Oh darn! We had to go to Big Lots. We decided against the BBQ they had there (not big enough), but we managed to find a bunch of other crap we were in desperate need of….yeah, right.

Saturday was Marilyn’s 50th Birthday Blowout! And it was a blast thanks to all the hard work of my cousin Tina. Of course, we (Tina, Susie and I) held court in the kitchen….it’s where we tend to hangout. The food was great and Marilyn has quite the party house complete with a full pool table and bar. Party pictures below….

I was a bit tired from all the fun that we had at Marilyn’s the night before, but I had to do laundry and clean my house.... Normally, I dread this on such a nice weekend, but I opened up the windows, turned on some music and had a very lovely day at home. It gave me a chance to work on the pictures from the party and finish up some little projects. I am learning to enjoy the peace and pace of my life and each day is full of possibilities, even those days that start at 6:00 am on a Monday morning.

Barbara and Marilyn, the birthday girl!

The original Real Housewives; Tina, Barbara and Marilyn

Starting the party off right!

Susie and Larry

Tina, rockin' a fedora

An impromptu "the dishes are done" dance

Susie joins in on the fun

And just like the picture....the rest of the evening was a blur

Adventures in Dating

2010-04-16T10:41:00.000-07:00

I am starting to remember that I HATE dating. I love romance, passion, fun, anticipation, excitement, the stomach flip…but dating sucks. Like I said, I am not looking for some intense relationship…but fun with a member of the opposite sex would be a good start. However, dating is like job interviews with cocktails. Thank god for vodka. I guess I am looking for that inevitable click; that moment when you know that this is a person that you can see yourself hanging with beyond one date.

So, I had a few dates with this one guy…he seemed really nice, but I didn’t feel any spark. I wasn’t sure he was my type, but I told myself to give him a chance. Let’s cut to the chase; the main problem, I was concerned that he was a bit….dim. I can do a lot of things, but stupid is not one of those things. Having wit is like oxygen for me…I hate having to explain pop culture references. Clever, intellectual men make me hot…Looks always take a backseat to brains and witty repartee for me. And, the other thing that made me give him a chance was that he was geographically attractive. Sorry, I like my part of the world… I used to date someone that lived an hour and a half away; it got old…quick. Of course, just when I tell myself to give the guy a break, he pulls a Houdini. I have no idea where he went. C’est la vie….to say I was relieved would not be an overstatement. My gut had it right in the first place…many things can be fixed, but you can’t fix stupid.

Then there is this guy that is so disturbingly good looking that I am at a loss as to what to think. Seriously, I don’t say things like this…but I think he is out of my league. At this point, I actually have held back in contacting him. Really, I don’t want to get into one of those things where you find yourself “on” the whole time for fear that he may see the real you and run for the hills….Maybe I am so accustomed to accepting men for who they are or being attracted to other aspects that when faced with someone so good looking, I start to think something HUGE must be wrong with them. But then again…he is geographically attractive as well.

And there is one other guy. He seems pretty nice…but he used to be a professional body builder/personal trainer…and he is younger. Not much younger, but I have never dated anyone younger than me. Great, does this mean I would actually meet the definition of a cougar? God help us all. And, will he be a Nazi about exercise? I dated a personal trainer once and all he wanted to do for dates was workout out, not a euphemism, actually workout. What happened to dinner and a movie or dinner and sex or just sex? I realized that he had an addiction problem, he was addicted to exercise. I forgot to call him….forever.

Funny thing is…one of my favorite ways to spend time is by myself with the music on, maybe a glass of wine, and working on event planning or photography. I actually am starting to look at the dates as a chore. Some dates, I have to actually give myself a ‘pep talk’ to get motivated. If only I can date myself…I am perfect for me. That’s totally doable. And…I am the most geographically attractive one of them all.

Spring Cleaning

2010-04-12T09:29:00.000-07:00

This weekend held much less activity than the previous one, but it was hugely cathartic for me. I went through closets, drawers, boxes and hiding places. I am a sentimental person, not ridiculously so, but I do hold onto mementoes, pictures, menus and little artifacts of past relationships. I really don’t know why I do…but much of what I move from one place to the next is made of experiences with people that are no longer part of my everyday existence. So, this weekend, I made a point of cleaning out that part of my space. Surprisingly, it was easier than I expected. I had no hesitation…even with Patsy Cline playing in the background. Matchbooks, menus, ticket stubs, brochures, maps, rocks, wine corks, receipts, Chinese cookie fortunes, all of it…went to the wayside and made their way to the trash.

Don’t get me wrong…It isn’t representative of how I feel about any of those people…for every relationship, be it bad or good, has brought me to where I am today. I have embraced my current existence and let go of what and who I was to people that are no longer part of my daily life. I don’t hold any anger or resentment to anyone or any of it. I just realized as I was cleansing my living space; that I had physically, mentally and emotionally moved on from my past. It was emotional detox and it felt right. I look back fondly on most of it. Some of it, I would have preferred to skip. I have a wonderful life. I am rich in friends and family. I am blessed with a good job and now venturing into a career pursuit of food and fun with a friend. I get to indulge in my hobbies and innocent bad habits. I am healthy and happy...and the funniest thing of all…I am without a boyfriend/husband and it doesn’t feel bad or wrong or sad. It just…is. It’s merely a fact not a condition. If and when I have one, I won’t need them…they will be an addition to a rich and rewarding life and not a completion of who I am.

I have much to look forward to…learning, experiencing, traveling, living, laughing, cooking, passion and loving, but above all else, I am having fun with me. Everyday I laugh, everyday I learn, everyday I am challenged, everyday I meet a failure, be it big or small, everyday I am wrong, everyday I am surprised, everyday I make someone else smile, everyday I make a mistake, everyday I have a success be it big or small. When you realize that everyday of your life encompasses so much, life’s little tragedies seem insignificant. I am learning to brush things off and not take it all so seriously. I am just a little spec of existence; here for such a short time…it seems silly to waste even a second. If you feel burdened, heavy or sad, open a closet, a drawer, take a box down from its hiding place. This might be what weighs you down. Does it serve a purpose, when was the last time that you look at it, touched it, does it have a place in your life now, does it add anything to your life, does it hold you back? Ask yourself those questions, and you will have your answers. We actually carry around much of what weighs us down and we don’t even realize that we do. This is what this weekend taught me. Now, I just need to get that couch out of my garage…and out of my life. Any takers?

And when clearing a space…you make room for more things and people to enter your life. My innocent little work time spent at the coffee shop Sunday placed me in the company of a very nice man. We chatted over our disdain for the bad weather and our love of the coffee and tea at Tupelo….in fact; we had been aware of one another for a couple of weeks now. Mostly, I was embarrassed that it appeared that I was getting coffee or tea at all hours of the day and he happened to be in there each time as well. A story of two addicts really…the nodded begrudging acknowledgement of caffeine guilt. We didn’t get much beyond the small talk of weather, coffee and the questionable choice of the shop’s ‘new’ vintage burnt orange velour sofa, but if anything, I made a new Tupelo buddy. Thank you Sean for the lovely company on a dreary rainy Sunday.

Hey, maybe I should see if Tupelo is interested in a slightly used couch that sits in my garage…

Easter weekend

2010-04-05T13:02:00.000-07:00

It was a great weekend…a very busy one, but fun nonetheless. Friday I had a meeting on tap with Chris which required that we toast to our new business venture. We polished off a bottle of Mumm…yum. Despite our celebratory mood, we did make progress and drafted a concept that our marketing person can run with. And best of all, Chris agreed to focus on a couple of key events for the SPCA; namely the yearly Reigning Cats and Dogs black tie event. That would be a very nice coup indeed!

Of course, I indulged in my new weekend activity of coffee and people watching…my regular haunt was closed for a brief remodel so I headed to Peets. And the people did not disappoint...I enjoyed a leisurely hour before heading over to my friend's for a photo session. We had too much fun…It was especially ridiculous when we would bust out our America’s Next Top Modelisms... “Smile with your eyes! Give me fierce! Think about something sexy you’d do with your man!” Let’s just say that Tyra won’t be calling any of us any time soon. As a photo shoot creative director, I pretty much sucked! My friend and I would often look at each other and ask, “Okay, now what?” Maybe I need an apprenticeship with Nigel Barker…oh yeah, sign me up! Despite our lack of structure, we managed to get some very good shots and we had fun doing it.

So, I headed back home to reward myself with a glass of wine and the decision to kick back and enjoy a quiet evening. But…my friends had other ideas. Glen called and left a message telling me that they were at the Bockbierfest and they wanted me to join them. At first, I decided to stay home…but I hadn’t seen Glen and the bunch in a while and I always have fun with my friends, regardless of what we are doing. So, I mustered a second wind and headed to the fest. Besides, I had to be in attendance to see Kevin reunite with alcohol, something he gave up for lent. And seriously, how can you NOT have fun dancing to polka music and drinking copious amounts of beer? And the evening continued to get better as an old acquaintance handed over his remaining (24!!!) food and beer tickets to me. Thanks Patrick! Love you! Mean it!

The Infamous May Pole Dance

Kevin and his beer. Reunited and it feels sooooo good

Those crazy Germans...we were just missing the vocal stylings of David Hasselhoff.

Glen getting his chicken dance on....

Oh yeah! My ticket booty....

The next morning, a few of us Bockbier attendees got together for an Easter Brunch at the Tower Café. Thanks Anna, Sue, Nina and Robert! The food was great and the company was even better. One of the brunchers received a text from a potential someone and we all took turns deciphering the message behind the words. And what did we learn? Not a whole hell of a lot… But I did learn one thing…if you want to communicate something of importance to someone of potential importance, it’s best to do so in person; much is lost in translation and your friends will tear apart a text message like a pack of rabid wild animals. And often the analysis is less than positive and rarely accurate. Life lessons over huevos, mimosas and coffee....

Nina and Sue

Robert and Anna during the text debate....final decision, "He's just not that in to you."

Finally, I headed up to see my family for Easter dinner. We went very unconventional this year….surf (lobster and crab) and turf (ribeyes and sirloins). And to start things off…raw oysters on the half shell. My cousin Cori bravely ate her first raw oyster and has decided that she doesn’t need to do it again…ever. However, most of us couldn’t get enough and Rick considered and then attempted to rescue a couple of oysters that has made their way to the trash. Alas, he was not successful…thank god; we were WAAAAY beyond the 5-second rule.

Cori gets extra points for effort. Impressive nonetheless...

The oysters have seduced us and we have lost control....

In a good place....

2010-04-02T08:56:00.000-07:00

As you can see….the cross marketing has started. My friends Jeff and Tom have joined forces and formed Get Framed Photography….they are awesome and I am not just saying that because they’re my friends. So please, check out their website….they are truly artists.

And of course, there is now a link to The Bicycle Chef! We are making some progress indeed. Chris checked out the demo kitchen they have at East Bay Restaurant Supply and found that it’s available for use to teach classes….I don’t think we even have to pay a fee…just fill up the class with students (hint, hint). So, we’ll really need to focus on a curriculum to get into the space as soon as possible. Chris knew some people there as well and we picked up an event for the Hope Foundation on April 30th. We’ll be covering breakfast and lunch. So, we won’t really be making any money, (just the food cost) but fundraising is a great way to get your name out there….we’ll take it!

I also found a company that rents out a commercial kitchen and from what I can see…they are having difficulty renting out to capacity. I think I counted 20 reservations total for 2 kitchens in a 60 day period. This allows us an opportunity to negotiate if we guarantee them enough reservation days, given the fact that they need to pay the overhead regardless if the spaces are rented or not, they may be so inclined.

As soon as we complete the menus and have the brochures and rates printed, we hope to secure a booth at the Pops in the Park and Screen on the Green events that happen during the summer. And we definitely can cross promote the bike shop since they offer ‘valet’ parking for people who ride their bikes to the events. Of course, I need to somehow tie this venture into my love of animals (dogs)...so I pushed my agenda a bit with Chris and suggested that we participate in the numerous fundraisers that the SPCA puts on throughout the year. He seemed opened to the idea….push, push, push. I also hope to hit up a few of the art galleries that are peppered throughout East Sac; they get lost in the whole Second Saturday craze in midtown. So, we need to show them some love and get some business in their direction and they can return the favor.

I feel so fortunate to have made such a connection and to find my way back to food. And since Chris and I can be a little hyper (okay, way hyper when it comes to food) this is the perfect outlet for all that energy. With the money I make on this venture….I can start saving for my trip to Spain. It can be a reality instead of a dream. Can I write off a trip to Spain if it’s for food research????

I also went out on a date last night…it went well. We talked for a couple of hours without a lull in the conversation or those scary awkward silences. But I am not rushing into a full-on relationship. It's best to take time and get to know who you spend your time with. Besides, I have this catering venture to get off the ground and much of my time will be devoted to that pursuit. So, I am just pacing myself, focusing on my goals and I’ll work in some fun when time and stress allows. Besides, it’s best to not be so available; you may get taken for granted…something I am learning at the ripe old age of 41.

And so it goes...

2010-03-29T17:17:00.000-07:00

It was a great day at work…although tired from staying out a bit late last night celebrating my birthday, I felt oddly energized. However, by the time the clock hit four in the afternoon, I started to lose a bit of my steam; especially knowing that I needed to go home and work out….being tired is no excuse. Besides, I only let myself down if I talk myself out of it. Anyway, I got a ton of work done, cleared off some dinosaurs from my desk and readied myself for the rest of the week.

Yesterday during some down time, I took my food research over to the local coffee house to throw back some caffeine (I was going to need it) and do some menu brainstorming to prepare for our menu writing on Wednesday. I actually got more accomplished than I thought I would. I even had to talk myself out of hitting up a couple of local businesses to see how we can help each other out during this economic downturn….but I need to wait until Chris and I have something tangible to present. I tell you what, this catering/retail thing has come at the absolute perfect time in my life and I get to work in and support my beloved East Sacramento. And the extra money is a definite bonus.

As noted before, the girls and I headed to The Torch Club to see The Nibblers and it was a great time! I have to give a HUGE shout out to my friend Aysha. Most likely, against her better judgment, she and Denise joined us last night. Let’s put it this way…it not her kind of club. But I assured her, that she wouldn’t be disappointed. And she wasn’t. She killed me. After checking out the ‘moves’ of our counterparts on the dance floor, she busted out her own moves…from her workout DVDs. I shit you not. Hands down, one of the funniest things I have witnessed in a long time…until 15 minutes later. This guy (he looked to be about 12) in a bright red golf shirt and the thickest eyewear I have seen started to take over the whole place. I wasn’t sure if he was epileptic, high, or just messing with the rest of us…who does Devo moves still? At one point….his dancing was so out there that the band started to lose composure. This just encouraged the boy and he ended up stealing the tambourine from the lead singer and took center circle on the dance floor. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time… Life is looking pretty good from where I am sitting right now.

The Infamous Birthday Shot....

The Delicious Stylings of a Dancing Genius

Happy 41st!

2010-03-28T08:55:00.000-07:00

Yep! Today is my birthday and I am really happy with my life. So, I would consider this a good birthday already even though it's only 9 am.

Chris and I met yesterday to discuss our catering expansion and retail venture. It went really well...he and I really seem to mesh and have extremely similar viewpoints. So, on Wednesday we are going to get together and work out our catering menus, price structures, set up a program to teach cooking classes and nail down a commercial kitchen that we can utilize when business starts to take off. And most likely we will be planning a reception for our target business people and the movers and shakers in the community to announce that The Bicycle Chef, has branched out. We anticipate that we will have the whole catering aspect up in running in 6-8 weeks. I can't wait.

Yesterday, I headed up to Newcastle to spend time with my FAVORITE cousin Tina. We did some shopping...of course. Then she took me to dinner at Tres Agaves...I splurged a bit. We had the most delicious carnitas, a pitcher of their awesome margaritas (rocks not blended) and I was given a birthday shot of tequila that was as smooth as silk. Oh yeah!! Afterwards, we headed to the mall to do....more shopping. Since it was my birthday, I went to Sephora to cash in on my loyal customer status and was rewarded with some very nice makeup and a bottle of Givenchy perfume on the house. Happy Birthday to me! We also headed over to Lush which is store that specializes in bath bombs, soaps and lotions. My wonderful cousin got me the honey massage bar...it smelled so good that I wanted to eat it. Then it was off to Susie and Larry's where I indulged in a glass of wine and a few laughs with some awesome people.

Tonight, the girls and I are headed to The Torch Club to listen to The Nibblers play; they are one of my favorite bands. It looks to be a fun night with some of the best women I know! My 41st year is looking to be a very good one...

Spring Fever

2010-03-25T16:55:00.000-07:00

I can feel it…spring is in the air and I am quite literally, antsy everyday and I have a bounce in my step (except when I am grouchy; then it’s more like a pissy stride).

My friend and I have been playing meeting tag regarding our business venture. And after his daughter had a meltdown yesterday, we rescheduled for Saturday morning. The sooner the better…I am dying to get back into food again. I have my chef’s coat washed and a pile of aprons locked and loaded. Of course, I can’t help myself and jumped to the ‘homework’ part of this little venture. I have researched all the local competition, food served, hours of operation, and locations; then compiled it into a spreadsheet (yes, I am a complete geek). And my brainstorming continued to determine how we can work the current business into the branding of the new business. Community outreach is the answer…local, local, local. Keep it close baby! There is a huge real estate market in our area, lack of restaurants that can be easily accessed on foot and a massive loyalty to the neighborhood and the community. Cross marketing gets me hot. Stay tuned…

My interested party and I continue to communicate and my interest is still peaked. But I am one picky little Patty... I will not settle, I will not overlook and get overlooked, and I will not put up with more than what would be my reasonable share…Things will be different this time. I need to put myself first. And with my birthday quite literally around the corner, my gift to myself is…myself. So, this means for the men in my life…there will be some work for you to do. Things will not come as easily….Sorry, you lost out on my ‘over-accommodating’ period, but these things cannot be helped. I am still a very generous and kindhearted woman, but I am being generous and kindhearted to myself first. It will help me be a better me and that is a win win for everyone....I am sure you will all still love me…maybe. And if not, that’s okay too. I am learning that it’s okay to disappoint people…it’s not the end of the world. And surprisingly, the relationships I have now, allow that kind of fallibility. It’s a beautiful thing.

I am now 6 pounds away from my goal weight. However, I need to take into account that I am building muscle, so pounds can be misleading. My clothes are a more accurate assessment of my progress…I actually got into a 4/6 skirt the other day and it fit perfectly. If I could have kissed my own ass I would have and if I keep pushing my yoga practice, I will probably be able to do that too.

As for the alcohol, I have indulged very little. I did have one drink at a party last week, but I had worked out twice that day because I knew that I would partake. And before I went to dinner on Monday, I worked out, enjoyed two glasses of wine and then worked out again when I got home. Work, reward, work reward, work reward. I repeat this over and over and it gets me through. I have actually started to do just the barest amount of running… And for anyone that knows me, hell has quite definitely frozen over. It’s more of an interval training thing, but it brings on the pain to later be rewarded with the pleasure. Now I just need to figure out what that pleasure might be… I have been much more on the work side than the reward/pleasure side. But I am not too concerned, I have the rest of my life for rewards and pleasures….I’m sure that my patience will be rewarded.

The Next Chapter

2010-03-22T10:42:00.000-07:00

As I said in my previous post, I had felt that a shift had occurred in my life. This weekend started to reveal the next chapter in my life. First off, I am now really open to dating and meeting people and it no longer fills me with dread. Yah!

However, something much bigger and more meaningful has happened and to say that I am excited, would be a HUGE understatement. I went to a party on Saturday and ran into an acquaintance that I have known for years. We discussed an opportunity to open a tasting and small plates venture in part of his current retail space. He is looking for someone to brainstorm with and evolve the idea into a reality. We have a meeting scheduled this afternoon…it feels like Christmas. This is where my heart, passion and soul live…and to be apart of it again, makes me as high as a kite. It will require some time and energy on my part, but I know what that is and I know it feeds me. I get to fall in love with food again, to provide sustenance to the body and soul of others. It’s beyond words…

A slip of the vodka...

2010-03-19T13:15:00.000-07:00

So I met up with Leisa and Melanie for a cocktail after work yesterday I decided that I could indulge since I have been so incredibly strict. I compromised and ordered a vodka and soda.... Here's the trick about indulging. Keep the promises you make to yourself. So, after a couple of cocktails, an order of mussels and a grilled baby artichoke I went home and worked out. Yes, I worked out at 10 in the evening. I cue'd up the TiVo, laced up my shoes, and got to the business of kicking my own ass. And when I went to bed, I knew that a shift had occurred and I was really enjoying putting myself, my health and my happiness first. It's all about balance...I can have fun and still keep myself in check.

Getting Strong

2010-03-17T15:11:00.000-07:00

Somehow I deleted my post for March 16….I have no idea how this happened. URGH!

Anyway, as stated in the post, I have dropped another 10 pounds and another size… So, I will be hitting the thrift stores because I need to replace a ton of clothes. Even some of the skinny clothes I had no longer fit.

I am definitely feeling empowered….and I am up to 120 pushups, 200 crunches a day and alternating between yoga and walking. And I am on the 22nd day of an alcohol free life. Wow…. My only vices now are coffee and the occasional diet soda. Of course, I am continually offered temptations; dessert, alcohol, etc, but I am incorporating that new word that I have been using….NO. I forgot how disciplined I can be, especially when something is important to me.

And this empowerment and the NO word are spilling all over…I actually told someone no, actually HELL NO. I won’t go into any major details, but someone expected, assumed, planned, that I would take care of something and not take issue. WRONG! Not anymore. I was completely comfortable saying no. The doormat has dusted herself off and refuses to be put back on the doorstep. I would apologize for no longer being so accommodating, but I am not sorry.

Getting strong physically and mentally is long overdue for me…and I am enjoying ever second.

I forgot how much I love this song....

2010-03-17T14:55:00.000-07:00

I fell in love with this song a few years back and just found it again in my CD collection....awesome!

Just so you know....

2010-03-15T17:14:00.001-07:00

And you don’t take anything personally, but I am empowering myself. As most people can attest, I am the ‘go along to get along’ kind of personality. However, this position doesn’t come without a price. It means that you put everything and everyone before yourself and I am learning that this hasn’t served me very well. This doesn’t mean to say that I am turning into some self involved uncaring bitch; it just means that I need to stop enabling everyone else to facilitate their goals, their dreams…hell, their ‘to-do lists’. It was bound to happen someday, but a life long habit is hard to break. Oh my parents taught me well…. But I have to say, the power of discipline, of daring to utter the word no, to finding your voice and not fearing the consequences, well, it’s some pretty powerful stuff. And interestingly enough, whoever is willing to love, care, befriend, or encourage me after I have said my peace and stood my ground, will be my strongest allies and my strongest support. And I think I am due their reciprocation, because I have been on the receiving end for 40 years. I have earned it!

Yep, I am strapping on a pair and I am not afraid to use them. It’s about fucking time.

Progress

2010-03-08T16:40:00.000-08:00

As I posted this weekend, my fitness has become an integral part of my life and my goals are in sight. Not only am I working on my fitness for my overall health, I am also gearing up for outdoor activities now that the warmer weather is starting to make a comeback. But I really wanted a goal beyond a number on a scale and a size on a dress….a real goal.And, buying those size 6 jeans has me one step closer to that size 4...goal almost met.

I decided that my goal would involve some kind of hiking. However, I decided that I don’t want to join a club or join friends. Not just yet... I am really not a big fan of large groups or crowds. Nope, I want to call the shots. I want to make all the decisions. I want to do this completely on my own, for myself and on my own terms. And I decided to up the ante so to speak. I am going to incorporate an overnight camping trip and then a hike….all by myself. You heard me. No man, no ‘borrowed’ dog, no friends, nothing….just me. Despite some impressions my friends may have of me, I am not a pampered little bitch princess. Don't get me wrong, I bust out the girlie princess when I am feeling it, but it's not who I am. Of course I am going to sit down with Rick and get my plan mapped out and approach this in a clear and organize manner. I have to start figuring out where I want to camp and what trail I want to take…just a long challenging day hike. So, I have to work on getting some gear. I don’t need much; a tent, a sleeping pad, a lantern and some odds and ends. I won’t need a stove on this one because I am just going for one night and can pack enough food that doesn’t need cooking.

And in keeping my safety in mind, I will have an emergency plan in place in case someone tries to ‘break-in’ to my tent. Ha ha! That’s where an emergency remote and pepper spray come in handy. And of course, I will give my family my full itinerary of my trip in the event that they have to send out Search and Rescue.

So, in getting ready for this little camping excursion of mine….I will be doing smaller hikes on my weekends…a good way to fill up the time and a benefit to my body. I do a lot of walking around my neighborhood, but it’s completely different than hiking. So, those hikes will help to condition my body. I am hoping that I can get some of my more reluctant friends to join me on these hikes, but we will have to see.

I also get to register in May for my summer photography class. I cannot wait! I adore school; always have. There is nothing like that feeling of the first day and getting your books. I am a total nerd when it comes to school. God help me! And God help you as you will undoubtedly be subjected to my homework assignments and hiking pictures. And I should have my new laptop by the end of this month or early next month... This will really help with my photo editing since my desktop is an old slow dinosaur.

And in registering for a summer class, I get priority for the fall semester and this will make it easier for me to get into Spanish classes. I tried for the spring of 2010, but due to state budget cuts, it’s become very difficult to get into any of them. Less classes, more applicants. So cross your fingers that I can get in come July.

So, this is what I have on tap for the next few months. And of course, I will be sharing all my exploits for your entertainment. Lucky you!

An Unexpected Benefit

2010-03-05T16:03:00.000-08:00

As I posted before, I had vowed to start the New Year devoted to my health. It wasn’t just about dropping some pounds but about getting centered, healthy and fit. And then I got the flu last week….which had an unexpected benefit; the lack of interest in alcohol. Wow. I know, digest it; let it sink in. And it hasn’t come back. It’s so odd, because I am kind of enjoying it.

It’s been an entire week since anything has passed my lips and now I am going to try to keep it at bay for now. I am not going to put a date on it, but I am just going to try to stop for now with the idea that my use will be on the decline only to be brought out for true celebrations. Besides, drinking alone is not very enjoyable for me….It makes me feel like I am just one bottle away from Leaving Las Vegas. I am so close to my goal that I can’t let a few glasses of Sauvignon Blanc set me off course. Seriously, my only vice now is coffee. Sugar, gone. Pasta, gone. Bread, gone. Alcohol, gone (for…). Heroin, gone. Kidding!!! Again, wow. And it’s paying off. I am down 10 pounds, 2 sizes and counting…. I am at the cusp of the weight I was when I got married….and that girl wore a size 4/6. It’s crazy good. I feel like a new person or maybe like that hopeful girl from 15 years ago.

I have 3 weeks until my birthday and I think my goals are very obtainable from that standpoint. And I have a dress that is my reward tucked in my closet. Now, if only I had someone to wear it for because it’s that kind of dress. You don’t wear this baby to work. It requires stilettos, bomb hair and some well-suited unmentionables. It may stay buried beyond reaching my goal. But knowing it’s there is the push that I need.

Sorry for the Interruption

2010-03-04T13:42:00.000-08:00

Seriously, I have not fallen into the old habit of neglecting my blog. However, I fell victim to the infamous Swine Flu (oink, oink). It struck fast and hard. I was literally down for 4 days. Apparently, I had the weaker strain…really? Weaker because I didn’t have any of the respiratory symptoms…lucky me! And timing is an ugly mistress because while I was bedridden, my DIRECTV decided to stop working....just fixed today. After watching everything I had stored on TiVo, I was quite literally pulling my hair out. 96 hours of bed rest will do that to a person.

So, they fixed the satellite this morning. Why is it that when they give you a five hour window, they ALWAYS come on the 5th hour? I am starting to wonder if anyone gets the first hour or two. Maybe they all sit around for the first two hours at some coffee house and talk shop. It's not completely out of the realm of possibility. And to top it all off, my repair guy was this big burly man with a beard and apparently, a germ fetish. I guess during my explanation of the repair issue, I had told him that it started to have problems on Sunday and went completely out on Monday, leaving me to be sick (I did not tell him with the Swine Flu) without anything to watch on. After he repaired the dish, he needed me to sign his work order. But as I went to accept the pen he extended, he pulled back and said,

"Didn't you say that you were sick? Do you have your own pen? I would prefer that you don't use mine."

SHUT UP! NO WAY! I almost laughed at him given the fact that it is 3 days later and I am completely dressed and ready to go to work. Not only do I not look sick, I don’t sound sick. This man crawls underneath houses for a living where rodents and all kinds of other disgusting things reside and he's worried about me? It was almost tragic if it wasn't so hysterical. I must have given him a little pout or something because he relented and handed over the pen, but not before letting me know that he would be dousing it in anti-bacterial gel when he got out to his truck. Charmer.

Finally, on my way to work, I noticed two dogs running around in circles; clearly loose and lost. So, I lured them to my car with chicken (they put their noses up at the arugula) and did my best to locate their information. Only one had tags, (her name was Lazy) but the number was not in service. Lazy did have the tag from her vet's office, so I went over there. They located a chip on her, but not the other dog. While the receptionist made attempts to contact the owner without luck, I managed to get a look at the file to get the owner's name. Luckily, I found his address information on my Blackberry and took them over to their house. At first, I couldn't figure out how they got out, because I couldn't find a way in. I decided to knock on the neighbor's door when I noticed that their gate was wide open. When I went in the back, the yard was shared between the owner and the neighbor. So, I left my charges in the backyard and secured the gate latch. I also left a note to let the owner know what happened.

I do believe that not taking action is an action in itself. It would have been easier to just keep on driving; I was late due to the satellite repair, cranky because I wanted my coffee and was just deemed a leper by the satellite repairman and reluctant because I had no place to put them because my fences were down from the storm meaning I would have to leave them at the pound. However, putting myself in the owner's place, I could never leave them to fend for themselves or get run over. That being said, it was a stark reminder of a dog lifestyle. Although it’s tempting, I don’t think they have a place in my life right now. It is interesting to know that when you are the fence about something, life has a way of giving you the answer. In this case, it came in the way of two lost dogs. Thanks Lazy and…other dog!

Getting Comfortable

2010-02-24T17:00:00.000-08:00

It has always been known that I hate hate hate hate having my picture taken. I blame it completely on my mother. As her one and only child, everything I did was documented. Over and over I heard, “WAIT! Okay, stand there baby. Smile for mommy!” Mom and dad were even known to pick me up as a baby and ‘lightly pinch’ under my arms so I would make a pouty face (a visual indicator that I feel…PAIN) and they could take a picture. Sickos. They should have been locked up. I even learned to lock the bathroom door at a very young age due to her incessant picture taking. Yes, I have all the obligatory bathing and potty training pictures, thank you very much. And at the age of 5, I asked for a lock on my bedroom door after I awoke to my mother standing over my sleeping body with camera in hand. It got to be a problem…Every embarrassing, pathetic, trivial moment of my life was recorded to film. And as if there weren’t enough pictures of me, they had a giant painting commissioned from a school picture I had taken when I was 6 and prominently displayed it over the fireplace mantle. And that very same picture was handed out like flyers to every close and distant relative. It was freaking everywhere and I was mortified.

Over the years I have managed to dodge most attempts at taking my picture…I am especially fond of large potted plants, pillars and tall people. This little issue of mine could explain why I am a photographer…I am always BEHIND the camera; it’s the safest place. And to be very honest, I am what you call a late bloomer. Earlier pictures taken of me in my prime (I guess that would be my 20’s) are less than impressive; this did not lend well to my camera aversion. Recently, I have been actively working on getting comfortable in front of the camera, but I have to do it on my own terms. The other night, I set up my camera and took a few shots and surprisingly….I actually didn’t hate what I saw. I believe that my 40’s are my prime, not my 20’s. So, here are a few of those pictures. Just so you know….this is a HUGE deal for me. I rarely post pictures of myself on my blog or anywhere else. But, in order to love others, I need to love myself…flaws and all.

“Smile for mommy!"

Proclivities and Passions

2010-02-23T17:30:00.000-08:00

I have few new obsessions and a revival of some old ones…

I am having a passionate affair with Arugula. It is almost apart of every meal I eat. I am not sure how long this relationship will linger on, but I am enjoying it while it lasts. Very low in calories; it has disease fighting phytochemicals, potent anti-cancer properties and acts as a toxin cleanser. Finally, a healthy addiction.

The United States of Tara and Nurse Jackie have been on steady rotation on my TiVo. If you haven’t seen them, you really ought to. These quirky shows about less than conventional women are often funny, sometimes poignant and just real enough.

Strangely, I have become obsessed with bicycle crunches and pushups. I have no idea how this happened, but I am totally going with it. Of course, I am enjoying the benefits of toned arms, a shrinking midsection and definition in my abs…the joys of running out of clothes that fit. I am on track to reach my size 6 goal by my 41st birthday.

I have reconnected with “Urban Hiking”. Sometimes I access the levee via the train tracks and wander down to the river. It’s a place to be peaceful and contemplative….and it’s practically outside my front door. And if the river isn’t calling, there are plenty of older neighborhoods, local coffee houses and pubs to explore. There is nothing like an urban hike to take the stress off a day; it’s a way to have a closer experience to your environment that you just can’t get driving in your car.

My camera is getting a lot more action. It was getting action before, but most of the pictures I took in the last year were of Lindsay…my subject matter has diversified. And to facilitate my increasing picture taking exploits, I purchased a smaller camera so I can take advantage of each and every photo op, much to the chagrin of (drum roll please)…KEVIN. Boy, I can’t wait for Drag Queen Bingo tomorrow night…I may need to learn how to pixelate him out of my pictures, but it’s going to cost him.

Of course my writing is enjoying a revival. Last year I was on the go so much that I rarely had or took the time to write. And the writing thing totally helps with the whole blogging thing….

The love of my life, Bill Maher is back for a new season…a little late for Tigergate, but I’ll take him when I can get him. I now have a date on Friday nights. If you want to hear a humorous no punches pulled debate on American politics and current events, this is it. And, HBO was showing me the love because they also aired Bill’s new comedy special. I can never get enough of this pot loving, perverted, political minded Jew. Hell ya!

And due to my obsession with Bill Maher, I am crushing hard on Seth MacFarlane, the creator of The Family Guy and American Dad. Now, I don’t watch those shows, but I am soooo feeling Seth. He is one of the best panelists that Bill has had on his show; well-read, intelligent, opinionated, witty and articulate, Seth rocks. And, he must have lost weight or starting working out, because he’s looking good! Or maybe I just love a man that can make me laugh.

Life's Little Moments

2010-02-22T17:05:00.000-08:00

As previously posted, Tina and I (along with Moe, a family friend and former exchange student from Japan) went to celebrate the impending arrival of Tina’s grandson, Branam. And as in any household weeks away from welcoming a new life, it was bustling with activity and excitement. Of course there was the shower to attend, as pictured below. But I have to say, one of the highlights of the weekend for me was a quiet moment I spent with Tina’s 3 year old granddaughter, Bella. Since everyone was otherwise occupied, Bella and I sat down to watch The Little Mermaid. Actually, this is one of my favorite movies…if memory serves; I think I own a copy.

Bella quickly joined me on the big chair as we talked about Ursula the Sea Witch. And when I sang along to Part of Your World, a huge smile spread across her face and she scooted closer to me on the chair. We both laughed and she said, “It’s good.”

Of course she asked me, oh I don’t know, a 1000 questions about Ariel, and Ursula and Sebastian and the bird and so on and so on. And I surprised even myself as I sat there and actually attempted to answer most of her questions. We only watched for 15 minutes or so before we had to get ready to go to the shower, but I seriously could have sat there and watched the whole thing with her.

And like any other 3 year old in the world, she had a meltdown 20 minutes later during her bath. Of course, this serves as a reminder that moments of joy are made all the more precious with the knowledge that they are peppered with the challenges and pain of everyday existence. Yes, unintentional life lessons from a 3 year old. That’s how it happens sometimes.

A beautiful drive to Hanford

Tina and the mother to be, Erin

Mommy and Bella

Daddy is a USC Alumni and die hard loyalist

Bella, waving the mascot of the enemy, Fresno State

Bella and Me

From the "Not Well Received" Pile...

2010-02-20T17:39:00.000-08:00

So far, this is the funniest and perhaps stupidest thing I have heard since my breakup.

“Maybe you can take this time and consider having a baby.”

Annnnnnnnnd….it was as well received as a juicy fart in church. Although people are well meaning, sometimes their intentions are overshadowed by their utter stupidity, ignorance, and lack of tact. And believe me, I am being nice. In my effort to be a more calm and peaceful person, I pasted a smile on my face and replied that I am taking this time to just focus on myself. Did this woman really think that I hadn’t already considered this option given the fact that I am 40 years old? I am pretty sure that most women my age have already considered all the reasons for and against having a child…and believe me, I already have, many times.

First off, I am not insane.

If I wanted a child, I certainly wouldn’t be considering it as a single parent. Call me old fashioned, but I would prefer to be married in a healthy relationship so my child has the benefit of living in a stable loving family environment, something I did not get the pleasure of. And, as a single parent, you have no one to ‘hand-off’ the baby to, so to speak. I had one friend who didn’t shower for days on end because there wasn’t another person to run interference. I finally caught on that the only reason she invited me over for ‘coffee’ was to have the time to take a shower. I just thought she really, really liked having me over.

Assuming that I am not in a relationship…no need to assume; I’m not. How do I get pregnant? Pick up a random guy at a bar? A sperm bank? A close friend I feel safe with? A gay friend? Okay, NONE of these would be options….NONE.

Now, let’s go out further on a limb and pretend that I do want to try to have a baby. There is the fact that I am almost 41 years old and the odds of me getting pregnant get infinitely smaller with each passing day. I think my odds of getting hit by a bus are better than the odds of me conceiving. Yes, when you are feeling rejected and sad, by all means keep bringing yourself to the depths of despair by ‘not’ getting pregnant every month.

Then there is the knowledge that I would have to give up alcohol…. I always assumed that drinking is how you get pregnant. Hell, that’s how I got here. I also hear you have to give up raw fish, caffeine, hot tubs, and heroin. Okay, I don’t do the last one…but that’s a lot to give up. I am thinking that if I had a baby I would at least need the caffeine to get through the day and the alcohol to block out all the scary stuff…like the possibility that I could be raising a serial killer or a future republican.

Over the last year, the time I spent with Lindsay exposed me to the blessings of a baby and their wonderful, magical, unexpected presence in your life, but they don’t look to have a place in mine. Unless I can do it right, I don’t want to do it at all. And, that is something I came to terms with many years ago. But it is nice to know that I really had the maternal gene in me all along… Who knew?

And in keeping with the 'baby theme' of this post, I am in Hanford to celebrate the impending arrival of a new life. My cousin Erin is having her baby shower this weekend. A road trip and a party; some of my favorite ways to spend some time. We had plenty of girl talk, road food and good times. And this new baby reminds me that life is forever changing and when one door closes, another one opens. I can't wait to see what's behind all the doors that lay ahead of me.

No Drama

2010-02-18T16:33:00.000-08:00

This really has been my motto for a very long time.Keeping it pleasant and playing nice... I had a drama filled upbringing; I don’t need nor want drama in my life at my age. I tend to be rather laid back and not very reactive even when seriously provoked. I always ask, “What does it cost me?” If the answer is very little, then that is usually my reaction. This isn’t to say that I am some kind of cool cucumber…I just don’t sweat the small stuff. I let the bigger personalities have the stage. But I can't ignore the fact that drama is something that draws people.

So, I decided to do a little research and interrogate some of my single male friends to get their take on what it's like out there. I met my friend (who shall remain nameless, he has enough trouble) for coffee to start the interrogation. I asked him why he didn’t think he could make it work…especially recently…I guess things have been bad. He said that when he was in his 20s and 30s, the crazy girls were just part of his pattern and he threw away the “normal” girls like he could give a shit. And really, he didn’t give a shit. I actually watched him with one of these girls; it was not pretty. He took her for granted, treated her with disregard and irritation, and even suggested to her that she start dieting. Ouch. I felt bad for her; she tried so hard to please him. Now, he’s at the point where he wants a peaceful life, a woman that likes to please him, a place where happy people exist and he doesn’t have to constantly be figuring out what the hell he did wrong NOW (Cue the chirping birds). He’s hit critical mass and is done with the drama.

But, now that he is in his 40s, the drama is all he can find. He said the expectations of women of a certain age (our age) are through the roof and when they aren’t met…well, bring on the drama. One of his ex-girlfriends wanted to go on a cruise to Mexico, but money was tight (he’s self employed) and he couldn’t swing it. Instead, a friend allowed him to use his cabin in Tahoe for the weekend and he planned out the trip. She broke up with him a week later because she said that at her age, she couldn’t see herself with someone that couldn’t afford to take her on a cruise. Another woman stopped seeing him because she had taken issue with some drunken remark that one of his friends had made to her and he hadn’t jumped to her defense. He told me that he honestly had no recollection of the exchange because he was shitfaced at the time. Totally understandable in my opinion…And most recently, a woman he was seeing wanted to go to The Kitchen for their “2 month” anniversary. The Kitchen is an exhibition open kitchen restaurant that usually runs $300-400 a person. He thought a home cooked meal would be more appropriate for a 2-month anniversary, but given the fact that she didn’t cook….that wasn’t going to happen. He almost considered pizza and a pitcher of beer. But, he thought better of it, he weighed his options, reviewed his bank balance and took her to The Waterboy (excellent choice) instead. And, it seemed that this appeased her….but then the passive aggression started. The final fight involved the way he introduced her to a co-worker. He still wasn’t sure what that was all about…at that point, what the hell did it matter? She finally said that she needed ‘a break’ to think some things out. Last he heard of her, she was dating an ACLU attorney that she had dated before. I was still trying to process the idea of a “2-month anniversary.” Is that even a legitimate anniversary or a bullshit relationship test?

So, we surmised during our conversation that I was one of the normal girls. He said I should take comfort that I am ‘the golden ticket’ of the dating world. I told him that considering what he just told me, I am not sure that it was a compliment; I didn’t have much to rise above…

But, I didn’t want to tell him that it DID make me feel better. I know that I will still get lost in a sea of nimble body 20 year olds, but I am not crazy, I don’t take out crap that other people do on the man that I am with, I don’t expect everything to be paid for, I can actually cook, I don’t set ridiculous bullshit expectations like a fucking 2-month anniversary (I get mad just writing it) and I know that relationships are living things that require the care and consideration of both people. Yes, I know...not a lot of drama, but I value harmony, kindness and peace. My friend was able to restore my belief that this is still a desired quality. Maybe things aren’t as dire as I thought...time will tell.

Dare I?

2010-02-17T17:05:00.000-08:00

I seemed to have offended some of my male friends with my online dating commentaries from a previous post. Ok, really I just offended Kevin. But had he read what some of these men wrote on their profiles, he would know that they are just as hypercritical of us. In fact, so put off by some of the women, these men actually stated on their profiles to not bother contacting them if the women weren’t a size 4, physically fit and well endowed. So, it appears that we all have our issues. That being said…I am sticking with my earlier sanctions.

As I stated a couple of weeks ago, Melanie’s foray into the internet dating world scared me so much that the thought of just putting my pinkie toe back out there immediately made me nauseous. I was starting to consider getting a ridiculous amount of cats and spend my time grocery shopping in my pajamas. Many of my single friends are telling me it’s hell out there…and these are men and women of varying ages, education levels, income levels, body types, etc. They have come to the conclusion that Sacramento is not a datable city. Apparently, it’s difficult to find someone that you get along with that doesn't feel the need to change you and you don’t feel the need to change them. Crap.

So, armed with their dismal assessment of the availability of anyone viable, I am warming to the idea of a dog. Now, some of my friends (Kevin again) think that I should wait to get a dog. For some reason, Kevin threw out 2-weeks as the reasonable waiting period. Not sure what happens in two weeks… Of course, me being me, I disregarded his advice and do a daily review of the SPCA’s list of adoptable dogs to see if the dog of my dreams is desperately waiting to be rescued. I have no reason not to now. I have tons of time on my hands, no other humans to worry about and a house FULL of scary noises. Seems like the perfect time…at least to start looking. Then I caught a glimpse of this magnificent creature. Just look at that face… “Take me home Michelle, take me home.”

Okay….now the infamous Pro and Con list. This girl LOVES a list…

I would definitely need to crate him until he is used to his surroundings and can be left alone in my home without ripping it to shreds (Con)

I would come home to bask in the adoration of my dog.(Pro)

I would need to buy many things and put down an additional deposit on my place. (Con)

I don’t have a significant other; therefore, no conflict... (Pro)

The Vet (Con)

Companionship and love (Pro)

Mess and destruction (Con)

Dog related activities such as walking, hiking, trips to the river, etc (Pro)

Activities that aren’t dog related; kennel cost, generous friend available to dog sit? (Con)

Since I don’t have a boyfriend, there won’t be an issue of the dog staring while we are….uhm, wrestling. (Pro)

As you can see…this will not be an easy decision. And I need to consider the continual expense of an animal for food, care, etc. However, this pro/con list is MUCH shorter than the pro/con list that continually runs in my head for finding a man versus committing to life as a hermit. Maybe I can consider fostering a dog and see how it goes.

Heeeeeeeeey that might not be a bad idea with the next guy….

Here and Now

2010-02-16T10:09:00.000-08:00

I initially started this weekend with nothing on the calendar… Tina had extended an invitation for me to join them in Pismo Beach, but I wasn't in the right frame of mind and didn't think I would make great company.

Friday night started with a little chat fest with Melanie, a workout, and ended with me going to bed rather early. Saturday, I putzed around the house doing some cleaning and laundry. I also worked on some of my photos and did a little culinary research on bread making. The day had me finishing up with a walk around my neighborhood and another workout. My body is definitely the benefactor of my current existence.

On Sunday, I got a call from Anna inviting me to go to Napa, meet up with our friend Leisa and take a hike before heading into the city. Of course, things got off to a late start and plans had to be adjusted. By the time Anna and I hit the road, we were starving and she was craving In-N-Out. Luckily, they have a secret menu and it includes a no carb option known as ‘protein style’. So, she got her fix and I stayed on my program.

When we got to Leisa’s, we shifted plans and headed to San Francisco to take a more urban hike; the Lands End Trail. Leisa avoided the freeway and we zip through the beautiful valley, into Sonoma, Tiburon, and Corte Madera before we cross the bridge into the city. It was truly a jaw dropping beautiful day with near perfect temperatures. The mustard seeds were in full bloom...

Our hike started at the Sutro Baths and ended at Lincoln Park. The trail runs along the coast and it was magnificent. Along the way we caught glimpse of some surfers taking advantage of the awesome conditions. It felt so good to hike, even though it was more pedestrian than I prefer. Once we ended at Lincoln Park we continued on for the ‘urban’ part of our hike. We headed down 34th and looked at all the magnificent homes nestled in the hilly streets….amazing. Our hike ended down Clement Street and back to the car.

On our way back to Leisa’s, we picked up her daughter, Zoe at her dad’s place in the city. Being there, I forgot just how much I love visiting San Francisco. It’s one of those places were you feel like anything is possible and whether you are with someone or not, you can’t deny the romance of the city.

We headed back to Leisa’s in Napa and she prepared dinner for us as Anna and I headed to Whole Foods for dessert and whatever struck our fancy. I picked up some beautiful brussel sprouts with pecans at the deli and a bottle of wine. Anna picked out a yummy chocolate cake and some vanilla ice cream. As Anna and I were at the register, we couldn’t help noticing all the attractive men in the store and we both commented that we don’t see fellas like that in our stores at home. Would it be totally wasteful to drive to Napa every week to shop for our groceries?

So, we had some wine, talked about life and watched a movie…500 Days of Summer. It was a great way to spend my Valentine’s Day. Thank you Anna and Leisa for the wonderful time and company…I couldn’t ask for anything more.

The next day, I lounged in bed drinking coffee and watching The Food Network. This is one of my favorite ways to enjoy my morning. But, I started to feel guilty as the sun was bright and the skies were clear. Another beautiful day… I decided to take advantage of the weather and headed out to walk to my local Peets for an iced tea, a newspaper read and some people watching. Lucky me….they still had the Sunday paper! I got in a 3 mile walk and still felt like a lady of leisure. Since I really hadn’t cooked this weekend, I decided to grill some lamb chops with rosemary, garlic and lemon olive oil and paired it with a salad of arugula greens, baby spinach and toasted pecans….it went perfectly with the Zinfandel. My little dinner was a great way to end a long weekend.

I have to admit, I was a bit melancholy this weekend...these three beautiful days were perfect and screamed for a trip of camping and hiking.These are the times that I really miss Graham. But, I love that I have friends and family that know that I need them now more than ever. And I know my life is whatever I make of it. Some days are challenging and some days are lonely...but I am forging my own path and I am likely to get lost every now and then. Often times, getting completely lost points you in the right direction.

My Body of Work

2010-02-11T15:42:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I had put myself on an eating plan at the beginning of the year. I hate to call it a diet, because that would imply that it is temporary; and it is not. I have pretty much eliminated all carbohydrates in my diet except for the occasional glass of red wine. And sugar is completely out of the question. I majorly increased my raw green intake…mostly spinach, arugula, broccoli and the occasional shot of wheatgrass. I have included healthy fats like olive oil, nuts, and avocado. And for protein, I have been sticking with chicken, turkey and seafood. Of course, an occasional rib eye does make an appearance. This girl LOVES her meat. I also increased the amount of water I have been drinking…especially because I have added long Epsom salt soaks to my new routine to help release toxins in my body. However, this has the potential to dehydrate you….so more water must be consumed.

As for my physical activity….I am back to walking. I prefer to have someone to walk with, but my iPod helps the time fly by. Of course, if it’s raining…I have to be happy with at home yoga or cardio DVDs. I am up to 120 abdominal exercises and 80 push-ups a day…SHUT THE HELL UP!!!. My guns are getting serious and my abs are starting to show some definition. Yes, yes, yes!!!! But the best part is the amount of energy I have. I can do more with less fuel. And next month, if the weather cooperates (no more rain), I can bus to work and walk home which works out to be a 5 mile walk.

And the joy continues to feeling the difference in my clothes. The smallest size 8 jeans I have are baggy…yes! And the dress that I dubbed ‘la guitarra’ is looking fine indeed! Now I just need an occasion to wear it. Pictures to come soon!

The only downside to all this physical activity is feeling frisky and no one to get frisky with… Until an acceptable opportunity presents itself, I will just have to focus all that ‘energy’ on my pursuit of physical fitness. And now, I am off to Happy Hour!

The Lost Art of Courting

2010-02-10T17:05:00.001-08:00

With Valentine’s Day looming ahead, it makes sense that when you are not in a relationship, you absolutely must despise this day’s very existence. And, then I am reminded of how I spent that day last year. Graham had taken me to Death Valley for the weekend. In fact, we didn’t really acknowledge Valentine’s Day, we were too busy having fun. And surprisingly, I didn't care.

Fast forward a year later…. And now I am doing much in my power to forget that the days are counting down to that inevitable date. But, it’s on the radio, on the TV, at my local Peets and at the grocery store. It’s even at the cafeteria in my building where they have placed a VERY large Valentine card display next to the register. It’s official; Valentine’s Day is on steroids.

But, it got me thinking about cards, candy, flowers, jewelry, endearments…the whole romance arsenal. I believe courting has died. It must have died if we have to be reminded every year how to do it. And then I realized that I haven’t been properly courted since my ex-husband. He was a pro. We met at work and he would leave cards and notes for me on my windshield almost everyday. He sent flowers for no reason and hid little gifts in my purse. And instead of the inevitable discussion of, “Where do you want to go for dinner?” he would plan everything himself. And as the relationship progressed, he would fill my car with gas and make me lunch in the morning. I was a princess…or at least I felt like one.

And then I met his parents and I finally understood why he was the way he was. His father doted on his mother…and not because he was whipped, but because she was precious to him. For her part, his mother treated his father like a king. She cherished him so much that she told me that she truly got up every morning and thought of ways to make his life easier throughout the day. She believed that behind every great man is a great woman…wow. All this and she had a full time job as an elementary school teacher. Dinner was made, laundry was done, shirts were ironed, the home was maintained and she always looked her best. I watched two people that really enjoyed being around each other and rarely spent time apart. For me, this was something I had rarely seen. They continued to court each other…35 years into their marriage. And when he unexpectedly got sick and passed away, she was never the same. She said she felt as if she had lost a limb.

Although I may be scared, jaded, and wary I also know that I really want that. I enjoy taking care of people, especially the man in my life. And I will continue to do so because it really is who I am. I know it's not the norm in this day and age and I am sure that most feminists would punch me for saying such a thing. However, I stick by what I believe; I have no problem with traditional roles, especially when it is appreciated and reciprocated. So, I am looking to be courted in the future; cherished and appreciated. And I don’t want to have to wait for Valentine’s Day for that to occur.

So, if you have a special someone, remind them everyday how much they mean to you. Don’t wait for a birthday, or Christmas, or Valentine’s Day…that day may not come and you will lose your chance. If my in-laws taught me nothing, they taught me that.

Scary Aspects of Single Life

2010-02-09T16:40:00.000-08:00

I think there is nothing more bone chilling than hearing these words, “Hey, I know someone you might be interested in.” especially first thing in the morning before you’ve had enough coffee. Actually, there might never be enough coffee.

For some reason, when you become single, you also become everyone’s favorite ‘project’. This happened one morning last week. A co-worker actually had two people in mind; one of which was some guy that worked in his wife’s department. And get this; he didn’t even know his name. So, what was the plan? Was I suppose to go up to Mr. No Name who resembles the vague description given to me and tell him that someone he doesn’t know thinks we should go out on a date because we are in the same age range (maybe) and are single (maybe)? Yeah, that’s totally going to work…no humiliation there. I also had a co-worker email me some random guy’s cell phone number with just this statement, ‘he’s a computer geek’. Well, good for him! Obviously, I didn’t reply. Is the idea of a single 40 year old woman so sad, that my co-workers have become my pimps?

As I have gotten older, I let go of the fantasy that I had growing up. Happily ever after is for the story books. You become jaded and wary…less willing to risk your heart and happiness for the chance of a possibility. The losses become bigger because your chances get smaller. If you thought you were a hard sell at 30 and 35…try 40. Our culture isn’t comfortable with a single woman in her 40s. Take Jennifer Aniston for example; a beautiful, talented woman who was dumped in the most public and heinous way. How do you survive having your husband leave you for Angelina Jolie? Now, ever article written about Jennifer is about surviving the split up and living life alone, bravely. I am just a regular woman. I am not a rich beautiful famous actress with a full time yoga instructor on the payroll. So, if we are supposed to feel bad for her, the object of our pity, what the hell does the world think of someone like me?

And then there are the little things about being single that you are confronted with. And one of those little things is….noises. Apparently, since becoming single, I now have the hearing of a German shepherd. I will be sitting in my living room relaxing after a long day at work and I hear a noise. What kind of noise; a rattle, a stir, a bang, a clang? I run around checking all the doors, turning on all the lights, turning up the volume on the TV and getting the phone poised to dial 911 if necessary. This is when it really sucks to be alone…the lack of security both physically and emotionally. And then the scary thoughts start to pop in my head like; how long would I be lying, bludgeoned to death, in my home until someone noticed that I wasn’t where I was supposed to be? At least during the work week, someone would notice if I went AWOL. But what if it was the weekend and I hadn't made any plans? No one is expecting me anywhere. Would the mailman notice on Monday after a smell started to emanate from my home? And what if I had no mail to be delivered on Monday? Forget a man; I am seriously considering getting a dog.

And last night, Melanie and I discussed the scariest aspect of being single; online dating. She had a date last week with a man that she met on a website, but she didn’t really feel any connection with him. However, she decided to out with him again and give it another chance...she never heard from him again. "Maybe he died in a car accident" was the only positive response I could offer...So, we decided to check out some other candidates for her. Our excitement and hope was quickly dashed after seeing the outcome of our search. We kept looking at these men that were in the ‘age and match range’ and we were, well….less than impressed.

"Keep moving...his house is decorated in a Nascar theme."

“That guy is 42! No way! He looks like Newt Gingrich or maybe Newt's dad”

“ Is that how he normally dresses or is he at a Renaissance Faire?”

“Weeeell, he doesn’t look totally unfit. Oh wait, never mind; I didn’t see that other picture.”

Then there are these statements on their profiles like, "I have returned to Sacramento after an absence." Is that some kind of euphemism for prison? And let’s not even get into the staggering amount of men that feel the need to post shirtless pictures of themselves while standing in front of the bathroom mirror with the camera in the shot.... Wow, it’s scary out there

After awhile, it got depressing and we wereleft with no other option than to pour more wine and laugh about our current plight. At least my body was the benefactor of my present situation; losing weight, dropping sizes and toning up. And after our cyber trolling, Melanie’s square dancing class wasn’t sounding too bad. I could do-sa-do with a 90 year old.... At least I would know what I am getting myself into.

When I am ready to go back out there is anybody’s guess. Although, what I have seen has definitely set me back. So for now, I will keep my cyber cruising strictly to adoptable dogs on the SPCA website. Hopefully, tomorrow morning I will hear, “I saw this really cute Border Collie that you might be interested in.”

And, I won’t need to know his name, because I can give him a new one.

A Peaceful Weekend of Guilty Pleasures

2010-02-08T09:01:00.000-08:00

Friday night found me itching to get out of work and pick up a few guilty pleasures; such as a juicy rib eye and a bottle of red. Leisa had extended an invitation to kill time in Napa, but I was more interested in pursuing comforts closer to home. It was a lovely evening with a perfectly grilled rib eye and a fat glass of Petit Syrah.

My Friday night 'date'; a juicy rib eye and an arugula salad.

It was supposed to rain on Saturday, so I made plans to finish off a couple of half started novels, several cups of Earl Grey and a few loads of laundry. But, the rain didn’t show as forecasted, and I decided to take a nice walk around my neighborhood before the drops showed up. I love the smell of a storm brewing in the air; nothing like it.

On Sunday I met up with Renee and her beautiful daughter, Gabrielle; she looks just like her daddy. It was wonderful being around a child again. Lindsay has made me a changed woman because I just wanted to snuggle Gabrielle tight and eat her up, but she was more interested in ‘flirting’ with the man at the next table. It was great to catch up with Renee and as usually, we laughed the whole time. Our friendship has always been one of humor...and a lot of coffee.

The beautiful Gabrielle

After my coffee date, I went for a walk and enjoyed a beautiful Sunday afternoon not threatened by the chance of rain.

Me, enjoying a beautiful Sunday walk

I did forgo a couple of invitations to Super Bowl parties (thank you Aysha and Tina!) and elected to stay in and participate in the biggest guilty pleasure, a marathon of The Jersey Shore. What a train wreck!! It may very well be the most unintentionally hysterical show on TV. Where they found these people, I have no idea, but it makes for some pretty entertaining viewing.

It was a good weekend; one in which I found happiness in the most basic of activities. Oh yeah…and I had a great hair-day the WHOLE fucking weekend. Got to love that! It’s not how good you feel, but how good you look. Eventually, my feelings will catch up with my hair...

Cocktails, Cupcakes and a Car

2010-02-05T09:51:00.000-08:00

Last night, Leisa and I met up at Lucca for Happy Hour. I love a place that has Happy Hour until closing…allows for multiple happy hours. It was good to relax and catch up. When I went to her party last weekend, there were so many people, that we hardly had a moment to ourselves.

We had a great time talking, enjoying our drinks and feasting on mussels and flatbread. And our friend Anna happened to be at the same restaurant for a birthday celebration, so she was able to join us for a short time. And just like the young girls we used to be and all girls, the talk was boy-centric. Some things never change…After many cucumber mojitos and wine, we called an end to our evening.

Leisa had parked her car in a lot down the street from the restaurant. It had been raining most of the evening, so I drove her to pick up the car. However, a big surprise was waiting upon our arrival. The parking attendant was gone, the keys locked up and Leisa’s car sat there, mere feet from us. How hard it is to have something within your grasp and no ability to seize it? There was an after hours phone number to call to retrieve your car…but it was going to cost her. And the cost…. $25.00 dollars. SHUT UP! Good thing happy hour had been such a bargain…

So, we called the number and the operator, his name was Hugo, took our information and advised us that he would call it into the supervisor and they would meet us at the lot to get the car. In the meantime, Leisa’s daughter, Zoe, had told her mom that she needed cupcakes for school the next day. At this point, it was 8:30 and Leisa lived an hour and a half away. Since we had to wait for the service to call us back, I suggested that we head over to the local Safeway to pickup some cupcakes and access some much need cash to get the car out of hock. Hugo called us back and let us know that the supervisor was at the lot and we made our way back. The crisis was averted and order was restored; Leisa had her car, Zoe had her cupcakes and the parking lot was the recipient of Leisa’s hard earned cash. And I headed home to my warm comfy bed and a good book.

That's a $25.00 parking lot supervisor smile...

The procured cupcakes.

A Great Start

2010-02-04T17:03:00.000-08:00

Every morning my mission is to get my cup of coffee from Peet’s. I know that I could make coffee at home, but Peet’s is part of my morning ritual.

So, this morning, as I was entering the store, this man having a cell phone conversation brushed pass me and went in. Now, I know that manners have been pretty much dead for a while now…so I didn’t expect him to hold the door either. And he did not disappoint. Besides, I just wanted my coffee, so I elected to not be offended or react. It’s part of my growing process. Although, in my head…I was giving him hell.

And then, the most amazing thing happened. The man finished his call, spun around and said, “I am so sorry that I cut in front of you like that. My bad…the phone call was unexpected. Let me buy your coffee.”

I was stunned. And replied, “No, that’s not necessary; it was no big deal. I assumed that you just didn't see me.”

“I insist. If my mother knew what I did, she would kill me.”

Now, who was I to argue with someone’s mother? “Alright; I would love a cup of free coffee and I accept your apology. Actually, you stunned me. I was under the belief that random acts of kindness can only be found on a bumper sticker.”

He smiled, mostly one of relief. I guess the outcome of his gesture could have gone all kinds of wrong. And lucky for him, I am a cheap coffee chick…just a cup of regular brew.

He handed me my coffee and said, “Have a great day!”

“It’s off to a great start. Thank you!”

I never knew the source of his phone call. Maybe it was bad news, maybe it was good news and maybe it was just a wrong number. In fact, I neglected to even find out the man's name. But, with his thoughtful gesture, he restored my faith; my faith in many things. And, it was a reminder to me that you never know what people are going through or what they may be thinking. You never know what’s around the corner…hopefully, the pleasantly unexpected and a free cup of coffee.

And the battle has ended...

2010-02-03T10:08:00.001-08:00

Last night we had a Scrabble Potluck Rematch at my place. Since Kristin isn’t much into the game, she bowed out and took position as score keeper. That left three teams of two each; The Baldtonios (commonly known as Glen and Marites), Kevin and Anna, and Bob and I.

Now, a little backstory… The Baldtonios are some serious Scrabble players. They have the really nice board that spins, they have the dictionaries and they know every two letter word and use for the letter Q without the need for a U. When they got married, their invitations had a Scrabble theme, pulled tiles as part of the celebration and had an actual size Scrabble wedding cake complete with tiles and words. So, they don’t mess around.

I did have home court advantage, but that was about it. The last time we played, Graham and I were a team. Here’s a hint…don’t allow your Scrabble partner to get inebriated before you play. At this point, Bob and I had enjoyed a tequila cocktail…but we still had our wits about us.

And miracles of all miracles…Bob and I kicked ass. Although, the majority of the credit goes to Bob…he made some brilliant plays. I have a feeling that the battle will be revisited at a later date.

Kevin and Anna hard at spelling...

The infamous Baldtonios. Getting ready to kick ass.

Bob working on our tiles. We had some awesome tile pulls...the WHOLE night. Plus, we're brilliant.

The finished board...

The final score...check out that 239!!!!!

Tapas, Fiestas, Scrabble and Other Acts of Recovery

2010-02-01T18:39:00.000-08:00

I have decided that I have this big life to live and nothing can stop me from fully enjoying it. This past weekend I had dinner with my very good friends Glen and Marites. We went to one of my favorite restaurants, Tapa the World, a spirited, crowded Spanish restaurant in the heart of midtown. We ordered numerous items off the tapas menu and had fun sharing…everything there is delicious. And, being the third wheel wasn’t as rough as I thought it would be. Thank you Glen and Marites for a very lovely evening of good food and conversation.

The next day, our friend Leisa was having a housewarming/graduation party at her home in Napa. Kevin, Anna, and I made our way to the store to collect the provisions for Mojitos. Bryan and Allison were gracious enough to drive our motley crew to the party. So, off we went. However, once in Napa proper, we drove around in circles for 45 minutes trying to locate that house….so when it was time to go to the party, we knew where the hell we were going, because we clearly didn’t at this point. And Kevin was on his best backseat driving behavior. I started to wonder if he had drugged himself prior to the trip as I said to myself… “He’s not this calm when I drive.” A mystery as always…the enigmatic Kevin.

Next, we killed some time in the local shops and spent a good deal of time in an antique store. This was not as much fun as it would normally be…the boyfriend and I used to love putzing around antique stores. However, I did find a communion kit while I was checking out the store’s stash….very interesting. I wondered what one would do with a communion kit at home. Do you bust it out after dessert or before the first course????

Body of Christ anyone?

The party was great. Leisa has great friends and family and the food was awesome. I think I ate my weight in samosas. Although we didn’t stay into the wee hours of the night, we had fun nonetheless. But the best part was acquiring new friends, Bryan and Allison, to camp and hike with. Bryan agreed to get my ass up Blue Ridge Trail and I am holding him to it. Wine was drunk and plans were made…a very good time indeed.

Next on the calendar is a Scrabble Rematch Potluck at my place on Tuesday. I am making carnitas. It is something to look forward to; good times with good friends.

Wednesday I will be getting together with a woman I recently met named Melanie, a new transplant from San Francisco. We haven’t quite decided what we are doing; a stroll in the neighborhood, wine and conversation at home or cocktails out and about.

All in all, I have a very good life. And no matter what happens, I know that I can get through anything with the love and support of my family and friends. Without them, life wouldn’t be as good, even when it’s going to shit. See, living life with the cup half full.

Love at the Rite Aid

2010-02-01T09:27:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, there was a woman in desperate need of a nice long bath. However, when looking through her cabinets, she realized that she was out of all those sweet smelling potions one adds when drawing a bath. She remained undaunted and prepared herself to commandeer the necessary provisions. Down the road was a shop that may have what she needed, so off she went.

Although in need, she was still in search of a good buy. And quickly, she found what she was looking for; Brazilian body oil and soy milk bath cleanser…even better, it was half the original price. The last thing on the list was epsom salts. However, when she looked around, the shop appeared to be out. She summoned a clerk, Amir, and inquired about the salts. He made his way to the back of the shop and came out victorious holding her heart’s desire. She went to pay for her purchase and found that the she was being charged in full for the oil and the soy milk cleanser. She explained the confusion and Amir appeared again to clear up the matter. Off she and Amir went to locate that items and determine the price.

And then Amir said something that every woman loves to hear… “If you liked me before, you are going to be in love with me now. If the wrong price is charged, the item is free.”

She replied, “Where have you been all my life? You sure know how to make a girl’s day, Amir.”

Amir blushed as he placed her items in a bag and told her to. “Enjoy your evening and your bath.”

To which she responded, “Thank you, I will. I look forward to doing business with you again…soon.”

Who says you can’t live happily ever after at the Rite Aid?

Footnote: Unless plural marriage is in vogue, Amir and I and his wife will never be... Besides, this girl is not one of many; she will be someone's one and only. That being said, "Love you Amir; mean it!"

Table for One

2010-01-29T17:44:00.000-08:00

I was invited out to a few things last night and was planning on going to at least one, at the very best, two. However, as it got closer to the time, I realized my heart wasn’t into it. Besides, I wasn’t willing to risk the chance of having some Happy Hour freak yell at me to “snap out of it!”.

Although I didn’t go out, I still felt the need for further progression in my new life. I had to conquer the kitchen. A baby step to find comfort and joy in something that is the core of who I am. So, I went to the store and selected some gorgeous wild scallops. No grand preparation, the barest amount of ingredients and a simple presentation. I didn’t have to impress anyone…this was just a reminder that ‘this too shall pass”.

I removed my beautiful babies from the butcher paper and wrapped them in paper towels to remove all the excess moisture. Into the refrigerator they went to properly dry out for an hour or so. I opened a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and sat down to watch some Anthony Bourdain that I had on my TiVo.

After enough time had passed, I sautéed my fresh spinach in Meyer lemon olive oil and sea salt. Once it was cooked down, I plated it. I sprinkled the scallops with a touch of sea salt and heated unsalted butter and the lemon olive oil in a non-stick pan. Just before the butter and oil began to smoke, I put in my scallops and willed myself to not touch them for at least 90 seconds to ensure a seared brown crust. And when turned, they were the most beautifully browned seared scallops I have prepared in a long time. When the other side finished cooking, I placed them on the spinach. I looked at the plate and had just a little bit of sadness that I would not be sharing this meal with anyone else. And then I remembered…Anthony Bourdain was in my living room. I wasn’t alone.

Buff, this meal was prepared with you in mind and dedicated in your name. Thank you.

A Means to My Rear End

2010-01-28T15:54:00.000-08:00

When you become single, there are many things that you do to initiate change and breathe life into your everyday existence…to empower your will. You tend to give yourself many pep talks. And I usually tell myself when I feel overwhelmed and defeated; “To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.” I can get a lot accomplished when I remember my value as a person. Working on your mental health has an added bonus of improving your physical health.

Now before the break up, I was already on a fitness path. I had started working out, eating healthier and making it a priority to do both. I must admit, there was a bit of a hiccup in my workout schedule in the last few days…. Let’s face it when you feel like I have, the LAST thing you want to hear is some peppy tight-ass bitch tell you to run faster, jump higher, and breathe, when you just want to kick your foot into the TV to silence her cheer forever. But, I started back on my workout plan on Tuesday and it feels good to do something that benefits only me.

Last night, my dear friend Jeff cut my hair and I felt some of the weight of the last week lift from my shoulders. It was really just a trim, but it gave me a feeling of release. And it gave me such a boost that I made my way to the store to see if I could find something to add to my wardrobe and show off my new cut. Another bonus of getting fit is getting thin. As I pick through the racks, adding things to my pile, I doubted most of what was there, but what the hell…it was worth a shot. I made my way to the fitting rooms…way in the back. It’s safer to suffer humiliation in private. I tried the pants on first; a size smaller than I thought that I was. I had to do a double take. Was that my ass in these pants? SHUT UP! I wanted to dash out of the dressing room and run around the store demanding people to check out my ass. That little workout DVD I bought was actually delivering what it said it would.

Look out; this woman has gotten some control of the junk in her trunk. First my ass, next, the world!

The Island of Misfit Singles

2010-01-27T23:21:00.000-08:00

Okay, so Kevin convinced me to go to Happy Hour with him at a local bar. We both thought it might be good for me to get out. And I was hoping that I would at least find some interesting people that I could connect with and foster a new path. At least, that was what I was hoping for. What I got was…scared.

First off, the man who organizes these Happy Hours is married, with children. Other than Kevin, he was the only one that I connected with (no, not in that way). Next to us sat two gentlemen, also part of the Happy Hour group. They were….older than me. Okay, one of them was much older than me, like he had a cane. And the other one was trying not to look his age. Here’s a tip for the fellas out there….if you are going to dye your hair, please make sure you shave. Nothing gives away a dye job like white stubble. Suffice it to say, his carpet did not match his drapes.

There was some other fella there, nice enough guy but he kind of looked like Uncle Fester from The Addams Family. We were eventually joined by the scariest single woman I have met in a long time. She was a lawyer from the District Attorney’s office and she just seemed pinched and pissed; even when she appeared to be talking about something she enjoyed. And apparently, her main source of enjoyment was drinking, specifically rum. And if we hadn’t heard her say it the first time, we definitely heard it over and over. At one point when someone commented that her home must be nice, the only thing she described about said home was the monetary value of all the rum in it. Wow.

An elderly married couple, who are part of this group joined us a bit later. And when I say elderly….I am talking between 60 and 70. Apparently, when prompted, the wife would regale you with stories about her gastric bypass operation. Unfortunately, I had to drive home, so there wouldn’t be enough alcohol that I could consume without risking a DUI to subject myself to any of that.

Finally, there was what appeared initially as a nice woman. Again…older than me; she had grandchildren. She told me that she was in this hiking group and my ears perked up. Kevin informed her that I was fresh off of a break up and looking for things to do. Now, one would think that this would produce some compassion. But I forgot where I was. After about 30 minutes, she told me that I needed to snap out of it because I was making her stressed out and uncomfortable. She said this while I was responding to a text from Tanya. I had no idea that texting in a bar would trigger such a response. I was stunned and didn’t know how to respond…so I starting reading the Happy Hour menu. So much for compassion… I downed my drink and headed home.

Well, I am not sure that this Happy Hour group is for me. I must admit, I have been spoiled over the last year; my friends are so great that I felt like none of these people could hold a candle to them….except Kevin. However, the plus side of these types of situations is the entertainment value that you, the readers of this blog, get to enjoy. My only hope is that I won’t be providing you with so much entertainment.

Getting schooled

2010-01-26T23:18:00.000-08:00

First off…this progress posting won’t be a permanent thing, but I need to set up new routines and well, lets face it…this is a routine.

I am learning that I am stronger than I thought I was. I have actually been able to have complete conversations about the split up without feeling like an emotional pin cushion. Yah!

Monday night, I poured myself a glass of wine for the first time since the break up. It took me two hours to finish it. Apparently, I am a social drinker. And unless I create an imaginary friend or purchase a blow up doll, drinking alone may not be on my list of things to do. However, it was depressing to think I took no joy in drinking wine. Now, that is a tragedy.

And just in case I wasn’t depressed enough, I subjected myself to two hours of dysfunctional TV; Intervention and Hoarders. Wow…at least it’s something that I can watch that makes me feel better about myself because these people have some serious issues. Finally, I am the sane one.

Begrudgingly, I cooked for myself with the thought in mind that this is also a new routine. It was not a meal that would be worthy of a spread in Food and Wine, but it was sustenance. At least I didn’t feel compelled to stick my head in the oven…And, as I washed my bowl, chopsticks and wine glass, it dawned on me that I won’t have to wash as many dishes now that it’s just me. Not a bad thought...a very thin silver lining in my cloud.

I don’t live far from a train track…and if you wondering, I am on the right side of it. Anyway, it can make some noise. Unfortunately, it actually amplifies the silence in my house; for there is no other noise to compete with it. So, I think for a while, I will be leaving the radio or TV on at all times. The noise is comforting and keeps the scary thoughts away; the thoughts that I will be doing the same thing I am doing at this point some 20 years from now. Go away, bad thoughts, go the fuck away!

Now, I did watch something that I considered “pain immersion therapy”; otherwise known as the romantic comedy. I know…might as well go deep. I had recorded “He’s Just Not That Into You” a few weeks back and forgot that it was on my TiVo. At the very least, I may learn something. Mostly that I am a sadist…or is it a masochist? Either way…bring on the pain. .

It was an epiphany, an education, a jolt into reality. The premise of the movie is that women always give each other these theories that explain away men’s behavior that gives them hope. For example, Jane goes on three or four dates with John and then he just stops calling, emailing, texting, Facebook-ing…complete and utter shutout. Now, Jane is devastated and her friends, in a desperate attempt to mend her broken heart, tell her a litany of things to make her feel like it is anything other than a shutout. He’s afraid of his feelings for her, he’s intimidated by her strength, he’s lost his job and doesn’t think he is good enough for her, he’s Catholic and she’s Agnostic. They tell her anything but the truth...really, they mean well. Therefore, in their happy hope scenario, John will be the exception, the guy who stops communication to later come back and profess his undying love and they walk off into the sunset. This movie dispels all of these romantic notions. For John is not the exception, he is the rule. And the rule is that he stopped communicating because he doesn’t want her. Ouch. Told you…pain immersion therapy.

Now, my friends aren’t placating me with all this hope spinning, they are however asking me what I love to do. And they are always the same three; cooking, photography and writing. Well, we know that cooking isn’t going to be something I will turn to right now and photography is also a bit of an obstacle; let’s put it this way, I have A TON of images to face and delete… That leaves writing and so here I am. It feels right, it feels good, it feels creative and it feels like something other than sadness.

Again, progress.

Day 3

2010-01-25T23:12:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I decided to keep track of my recovery process. I am sure that it seems a bit morbid to some of you out there, but if I can see the positive steps I am taking as well as the missteps, it will show me that there is progress, perhaps slow…but progress nonetheless.

Work went well today. It didn’t totally take my mind off of everything, but I was able to laugh with my friends and function at a reasonable level. So, I left work feeling good, not great, not fantastic, but good. I’ll take that.

Then I hit the wall. And like all things in my life, it centered around food. I realized that this was the first time in almost 7 years that I wouldn’t be buying food with making meals for others in mind. It was hard. I felt sad as I walked around Trader Joes, a place I normally look forward to going. And worse, I saw what I could only assume were single women like myself with non fat yogurt, water, lettuce, fat free dressing and raw chicken breasts in their carts. I was one step away from sticking a Cathy comic strip on my refrigerator. I definitely felt out of my comfort zone. I usually attack Trader Joes as though I am heading into war…thoughts of dinner spinning in my head as I zoom up and down the aisles tossing things into my cart. Now, I was trying to remember how to cook for just one person. I guess I could always make a shit ton of something and eat through it for an entire week. That way I would only have to cook 4 times a month. However, although I am battered and sad, I haven’t lost my taste for the utter love of good food. Life is too short to eat in such a manner.

And for me, there is that all important second part of cooking that I live for; watching others enjoying what I had made. That beautiful moment when the food hits their mouth, the smile appears upon their face and they apologize for taking yet another serving. For a cook, this is the ultimate high. Which now left me with a definite dilemma. Here's the rub...When some people go through a break up, they find it hard to be in a bed alone and set up camp on the couch until conditions improve. However, I had no problem sleeping in my bed and actually slept quite well. Surprisingly, it was the kitchen that held all the pain in my home. It wasn’t exactly my kitchen that was the issue, it was any kitchen. Graham and I spent hours cooking together and entertaining friends. It had been the core of my life for the past 13 months and now it was a place I wanted to avoid. I have always been a person that cooks for others, not myself. Now I had this problem…I need to eat. I can’t live on takeout and I don’t own a microwave, nor do I want to. Does anyone know the life expectancy of a person that lives on a diet of trail mix, apples and water? I know, not the best plan. I haven’t solved the problem and I need to realize that I may not solve it for a while.

So, I unloaded the lettuce, bottled water, dressing, and chicken breasts from my bag and put them away in my less barren refrigerator. However, there will never be a fucking Cathy comic strip on the door.

See, progress.

Never too late to be a cliché…

2010-01-25T09:29:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I hate those ‘starting over’ posts that we write after a significant event has occurred. However, I find myself writing one despite my contempt. Unfortunately, it must be done to take care of the business at hand which is the resurrection of my blog. Graham and I ended our relationship this weekend. At this point, I am not willing to go over the details because they are just that, details. In the end, it’s over.

I am a couple of months away from my 41st birthday and if you had asked me when I was 18 where I might be at this point in my life…my answers may have been varied, but I don’t think they would have included this. To put it bluntly, it sucks. Not the flowery prose I would prefer to use, but it’s a genuine expression of my feelings. And no, I will not be negative about the ex in a desperate attempt to make myself feel better. Nope, there is no way around this part; I just have to ride it out.

But an incredible thing happened as a result of the events of this weekend. I found that I have the most amazing friends and family. They rallied around me, loved me, feed me, held me tight and reminded me that Graham is not the last man I will ever love. He was a great one, but not the last one. Sometimes when you are knee deep in Kleenex, you forget that.

And one last thing I discovered this weekend…there are a lot of fucking internet dating commercials on TV. There ought to be a law or at least a button on your remote to make them disappear.

I’m just saying…

2010-01-14T17:05:00.000-08:00

I didn't title this post...frankly, I wasn't that into it. I usually pride myself on what I think are witty titles...some little pun or alliteration that makes me smile inside. Today, I got nothing....seriously.

However, this little blog that I started when I was bored, lonely and sad morphed into an outlet that got me through a very unhappy time in my life. And now, I am a more rounded person, with more interests, more friends, more things to do and see and I have neglected my friend, the blog, that got me through all the rough times.

My friend Bob was surprised at my honesty and frankness...and was surprised that I would share such personal things about myself, my family, my friends. I have been writing for as long as I can remember and one of my professors gave me the only advice that he felt could benefit a writer...the need to be truly open and honest if you want to really communicate...about ANYTHING.

So at times, this blog has push that belief...to the limit. And I know that when you write about your feelings, there will be times when you hurt people...not intentionally, but honesty can really hurt. If you know me or have read my blog in the past, you will know that I am the only child of two addicts; one alcoholic and one with a proclivity to prescription drugs. Much of my life was about lying...not about honesty. You see, I had to get sober too...not from a substance, but from the addicts, my parents. And in recovery you learn that lying is part of the addiction. It's actually one of the foundations and in order to survive, be it an addict or an enabler, you must be able to live an unauthentic life. Getting beyond this means that you have to be really honest about where you come from and why you do what you do.

I know that I will never have all my shit together. You don't live through the life that I live through and come out unscathed. And if you think you can, you need to check that at the door, because it is not possible. You are the product of that life; good, bad and all that is in between.

So, you are probably wondering what is the point of this post. The point is really for me...I need to continue this process. This blog was started because I needed an outlet and even though I am in a happier place, I still need an outlet...don't we all? Although I have a love/hate relationship with this blog, I really do enjoy the process, maybe not the responsibility, but the process.

green with envy no more

2009-11-16T15:43:00.000-08:00

My Aunt Virgie makes the most amazing Chili Verde. Apparently, my mother had taught her the recipe and she made it her own. I always planned on having mom teach me, but before I knew it, it was too late and mom had passed away. Well, on a recent visit with my aunt, Graham got to talking with her about the infamous dish and made plans with her to have a lesson. So, one day we headed up with freshly roasted Anaheim chilies and pork in hand. Graham made a point of writing everything down despite the wine we were consuming.

So, last night we attempted it on our own and it was a BIG success.

35 fresh Anaheim chilies roasted and skinned *
5 pounds of cubed (1/2 inch) pork shoulder or country style pork ribs
15 garlic cloves minced
Vegetable oil and butter
Flour
Garlic Salt and Pepper
Water as needed.
Sugar

* Please note, roasting the chilies is a core part of the recipe and the result will not be the same. It does require some labor and dedication to igredients, but it is soooo worth it.

Remove the stem, but retain the seeds and veins for the heat. I shredded the chilies by hand into strips.

Generously ‘garlic’ salt and pepper the meat. Toss with your hands to ensure even coverage.

Sprinkle ¼ cup of flour over the meat and also toss with hands for even coverage.

In a large heavy bottom Dutch oven type pan over high heat, melt 2 tablespoons of butter and 2 tablespoons of vegetable oil and brown the pork in batches so they are evenly covering the bottom and evenly browned.

You will have bits browning on the bottom. Once all the pork has been browned, add water in ½ cup increments as needed to the pan and boil to pick up all the brown bits. Continue until the all the brown bits have come up and are now a brown broth.

Add back all the pork and the garlic to the broth in the pan and mix well to incorporate. Add the strips of peppers and mix again. Heat the mixture until boiling, and then lower the heat to a very low simmer and cover.

Occasionally stir for an hour and then remove the lid, increase the heat just a bit and then continue to simmer and stir for another hour.

Once the liquid/sauce is at the consistency of your choice, the chilies have broken down and the pork is fork tender, add salt to taste. By following the ½ cup water measurement, the consistency would lean more toward a broth consistency rather than a sauce/gravy consistency. To balance the flavor, add ½ to one tablespoon of sugar.

scenes from a wedding

2009-10-09T09:05:00.000-07:00

So, last week was the wedding of two friends of mine, Glen and Marites. It was a community effort of friends and family that made it possible and I couldn't have helped two better people. I wish them joy, love and happiness as they venture out as man and wife. Since I was still feeling less than my best due to the flu, I didn't take as many pictures as I would have liked, but I managed to capture a few good ones. Cheers to the happy couple!

flu funk

2009-09-29T14:07:00.001-07:00

So passes the THIRD day of bedrest due to the flu. I can only hope that I can at least look forward to a few pounds lost due to my inability to taste anything. I have kept Graham at arms length so he won't expose his daughter.... However, the darling man surprised me with frozen yogurt and a short visit. He's the best; what a lucky lady I am.

Burgers, Brew and a Brit

2009-09-18T08:30:00.000-07:00

So a very impromptu happy hour was organized as Thursday has become the new Friday; a result of Governor Schwarzenegger furlough order. The group consisted of the usual suspects; Bob, Kevin, Graham and myself. We were later joined by our friend from across the pond, Anna (who also has the distinction of being my dental hygienist). Burgers and Brew was our happy hour destination….

This might be the part of the evening when we were 'discussing' the moral responsibility of The President.

Kevin forced me to endure the pain of having my picture taken... Other than my mother, only the DMV is allowed such a privilege.

What? Could it be? A bad picture of 'Mr. I Never Take a Bad Picture'...

Perhaps we didn't need the third pitcher....

The beer is almost gone and happy hour has officially ended. Many things were discussed, debated and a possible group getaway has been suggested. Let's drink to that.

doormat

2009-09-17T14:59:00.000-07:00

Prologue: Yes, I haven’t posted in a loooong time and yes I have many ~~excuses~~ reasons for my absence. But I won’t list them or use them. I am just going to post and let the chips fall where they may.

So, when I last left off, I had started a new chapter in my life. I broke up with my boyfriend, moved out on my own (all on my own; no dogs, no man in residence, just me and my stuff), and started dating a new man, Graham. And my family had a couple of losses this year, my Uncle Joe and my Aunt Dolores….so much in such a short amount of time. And so much of it has been good. My life is completely different than it was a year ago, but somehow, I am still the same person. Crap! How did that happen? Wasn’t I supposed to grow and evolve; have some epiphany that would bring me to nirvana? So, this gets me to the title of the post…doormat.

Am I still a doormat? Do I expect/demand that I am treated well by EVERYONE in my life or do I still give them full access to behave however they like? I am afraid that I haven’t been able to change this little nugget. And really, I only have myself to blame. I am a people pleaser, peacemaker, enabler…many labels and none of them Gucci. And let me say that for the most part, the people in my life are kindhearted, generous and loving. But that still doesn’t mean that I don’t want to change this facet of my personality. I really do envy people that can stand strong and demand nothing less than the best for themselves.

And for the record, I am completely aware that this all can be traced back to my parents. Yes, when you are the only child of addicts, you will become co-dependent, you will enable bad behavior, you will clean up the messes and hide the evidence, you will blame yourself for things you have no control over and you will spend the rest of your life with this knowledge. It is my baggage. And over the years, I have done my best to try to face it head on and get beyond it…but much of it is learned behavior. It’s like trying to write with your left hand when you are right handed. It’s unnatural and it’s frustrating and you find yourself going back to what you know; familiarity is comfort.

Recently, with some people, I have had to deal with this issue…yet again. Sometimes, I wish that I had the balls to say,

“Fuck it. You call me when you have figured out the RIGHT way to speak to me. Until then, consider me dead to you.”

So far, the balls have managed to elude me, but the dicks of the world have not.

Case in point…about a month ago I did manage to be extremely direct with someone, balls to the walls, no backing down…however, did I mention it was at work, in front of people, many people? Not my proudest moment…

My goal is somewhere between Mother Theresa and Mary Queen of Scots. So, rather than go back into therapy and subject myself to uncomfortable silence with my therapist, I am offering to you, my fellow bloggers, an opportunity to be my armchair analysts and let the opinions, suggestions, and ‘constructive’ criticism flow. .

The Lost Coast

2009-02-05T16:14:00.001-08:00

Last weekend we took to the Lost Coast in the Sinkyone Wilderness State Park, a truly mythical part of California where signs of civilization are nowhere to be seen. Itching to get out of town and away from my moving drama, (when I am ready to post on this, I will) we left town on Friday evening at 6:30 with a 5 hour drive ahead of us. Good thing I was properly trained by my ex-husband because this girl can set up camp in the dark and be enjoying the benefits of wine in no time at all. We stayed up for a couple of hours talking and enjoying the peace of the forest.

A previous camper...

The following day, we got a late start and took off for a hike after 2:30. And it was a challenging one… Unfortunately, my leg started to go out on me, but we at least got to the high point before we turned around and headed back to camp. I was able to capture a beautiful sunset….

On our final day, we took a little nature hike to the beach. The ocean was truly stunning and the sun provided the perfect light for the canvas of my camera

Graham

I'm still here...

2009-02-03T09:37:00.000-08:00

I have been having technical difficulties with my internet connection at my new place. I hope to have it back on track this week.

Miss all of you and your blogs. Hope to be visiting the blogsphere soon.

Take care until then!!

Moving on...

2009-01-21T15:38:00.000-08:00

Sunday was the BIG move. All my furniture, wash machine/dryer and remaining boxes were moved to the new place. It went pretty smoothly since I had the BEST help ever and I had moved a large majority of the little crap earlier in the week. So, thank you Graham, Kevin, Rick and Tina for lending a hand and some muscle. Much, much appreciated because I couldn’t have done it without any of you. Tina and I still need to go back this weekend to clean out the garage of the old place and dump some trash, but that’s about it.

We had started the move around 8:30 and finished up by 11:30…it was the fastest move I have ever undertaken. And so far, nothing appears to have been broken. But, I haven’t unpacked all the boxes…yet. Since the move was over so quickly, it allowed for some to catch the football game at noon and for some to work in an overnight camping trip to Salt Point and a day hike on Monday. The company, food and drink were just what I needed after a week of running around and packing…a moment “off the grid” so to speak…priceless. The weather was perfect and we found ourselves in t-shirts and tank tops in January no less! Incredible, truly incredible.

Tuesday I had my satellite installed and now, all items have been checked off the list for the new place. So, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I am looking forward to what this year has to offer. However, I did decide to give the New Year a “jump start” and join some local women, food and wine groups. The first event I am attending with the ladies is a cocktails and cinema outing on February 8th…sounds like fun! My first food group event is a Mardi Gras party on March 7…I need to bring some dish inspired by the spirit and food of New Orleans. So, I will have a little researching and experimenting to do. Luckily, the food and the wine group are organized and comprised of the same members…should be a ton of fun.

It has been wonderful to be in my new place and take time to breathe in and breathe out. The last year was full of so many ups and downs, challenges and rewards. And there were definitely times that I felt that my life was no longer mine, that I was sitting there watching it barrel out of control. Sometimes, drastic measures must be taken to take care of you. And once you know what you have to do, you only hurt yourself in delaying taking action. All of us need to do what is in the best interest of yourselves…this doesn’t mean that we are selfish or cruel, rather we are self preserving and no one should be faulted for making unpopular choices when left with no other options in our relationships with love ones, friends and family.

My choice to distance myself from my father earlier this year was not an easy one and I suspect that this will be an ongoing struggle for me. My father and I are still trying to work out our enormous differences and we may never get there. I have learned to accept this possible inevitability and any improvement will be a pleasant surprise. But, I am not counting on anything…. I have been around the block on this one, SEVERAL times.

So, I am still attempting to grow up as I head toward 40.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Almost there...

2009-01-13T09:31:00.000-08:00

Well, I was handed the keys to my new place on Friday and so far my only furniture consists of a bed, a dining table and chairs, and a side table. The remainder of my furniture and the contents of my previous home will be moved this Sunday. Unfortunately, I won't have my computer and it's contents until that time. So, my posting has been completely erratic and I do apologize, but these things cannot be helped.

In the meantime, I am "camping" so to speak... I have all the necessities; lighting, a refrigerator, 30% of my kitchen, a stereo, the entire contents of my bathroom, some good books and a few bottles of wine. So, I can survive anything at this point...

I even had the opportunity to a cook an Indian meal in my new home on Sunday. I have been unable to really cook for a few weeks and found myself crawling the walls in need of a fix. It was the best therapy; music playing, a glass of wine and putzing around the kitchen as the aromas filled the air. It was extremely spiritual for me and it turned the house into my home.

Last night, I had myself a little carpet picnic of cheese, Italian salami, salad and wine. Kevin kindly hooked me up with an itsy bitsy TV to use and I was able to watch Seinfeld and kick back after work. Thanks Kev!!!

So, that's the 411 for now. Hopefully, I can get some pictures of my place up on my next post. Until then, hope the New Year is treating everyone well!!!

girls' night

2009-01-04T23:49:00.001-08:00

Sunday evening found Tanya and I in front of the television basking in reality television gluttony.... (Tanya has kindly extended a house guest invitation to me ; I have the BEST friends ever.) Anyway, spent from the previous evening's "Pajama Game Night", we were happily transfixed on the HD. However, unbeknownst to us, Tanya had missed a couple of phone calls from Sally. Moments later, Sally stood on the other side of the front door desperate for some estrogen energy and proclaimed..."I'm fucked up!" said in mid-tear. It was one of the funniest things I have seen in awhile.... And of course, Tanya welcomed Sally in....so, it was some beer, wine and "cock" tales with the girls.

Plans are in the works for dancing this Friday. Keep you posted...

Getting excited...

2008-12-30T00:10:00.001-08:00

I am still working on my Christmas post, but I have been a bit nomadic these last two weeks due to my current living situation. Hopefully, I can finish my Christmas post before New Years...but don't count on it.

Anyway...I checked out my new place and it's perfect for what I need; in my price range, two bedrooms, a dining room, a smaller kitchen (big frown), gas stove (big smile) and a backyard with a patio. It's in a nice area we call East Sacramento, near a park and the local state college. I should be all moved in by the third week of January. Something to know about me...I am kind of like a missile; once my target is in sight, I am completely locked in.

I'll be keeping you posted...

New Year, new life

2008-12-24T09:49:00.000-08:00

Well, this year will mark much change in my life. Craig and I have decided to part ways. It was time, perhaps past the time. Although it is disappointing that my relationship was less than a successful one, I learned a lot about myself and found that I am stronger than I thought I was. Now the harder part; Nadine and Jerry Lee will go with Craig as they are truly his dogs. If we stood on opposite ends of a football field and I dressed myself in ribeye steaks marinated in peanut butter from head to toe, they would still go to Craig. I may be deluded, but I am not that deluded.

Change can be a scary thing, but I am feeling not one scintilla of fear, just excitement. This is my opportunity to chase my dreams and focus on myself. As your classic co-dependent, I have spent a great deal of my time and energy making sure everyone had the ability to chase their goals. Now at the cusp of turning 40, I am allowing myself to be selfish. Of course, as most of my friends and family know, it will be next to IMPOSSIBLE for me to be selfish with them. I love spoiling them…now I just have more time to do so. However, I am going to focus on my pursuits to the best of my ability. A friend suggested that I get a passport to have on hand, just in case. He could be on to something. After all, luck is when opportunity meets preparation. …

So, there will be some big transitions in the coming months; a purging of old things, embracing new things, moving to a new domicile, a big birthday, and a few trips already in the works. I am not looking back, I am not holding on to any regret. And I already have friends and family ready to step in to make these transitions easier.

And this time, my New Year’s resolutions will be obtainable.… to be open to everything that life has to offer, spend more time with my friends and family, and allow myself to be happy, just because.

Twelve Steps...

2008-12-19T17:04:00.000-08:00

Step One: We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable

I am obsessed. Yes, and for once, it does not revolve around the holy trinity of coffee, vodka and Patrick Dempsey. I am a products junkie. To be more precise, I am a beauty product junkie. And like any good addict, I have learned to acquire beyond my means and I have acquired quite A LOT…not junk, but the good stuff! Case in point, my bathroom, and the hall closet, and another hall closet, and the spare bedroom/office and my purse, and my ALWAYS fully packed Samsonite toiletry bag (for those impromptu weekends), and my car, and my cubicle at work and the list goes on and on; all of these places are either packed or close to being packed with all my purchases, those planned and those purchased on impulse. Impulse buys are like one night stands…totally wrong, completely delicious and will most likely involve a walk of shame. I even have some products delivered right to my front door on a regularly scheduled basis, thank you Philosophy. Normally, I do not acknowledge much less address my addiction. But the other day, it stared me straight in the face.

I do my very best to stay away from my church…or my churches; Ulta and Sephora. One cannot succumb to the seduction of one’s passions, if not in the vicinity to do so… And if one does succumb the rationalization is easy... For it is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. Words that every good Catholic lives by…

Since I refuse to step foot in a mall during the month of December, I elected to go to ULTA. ( I am currently researching religions that don’t require me to go into debt to add wrapped boxes under a tree that was planted for the sole purpose to be chopped down and drugged into my home…all this in the name of someone’s birthday…I’m just saying) Anyway, I went to ULTA under the pretense that I was nearly out of the BEST product in the whole world, Smashbox’s Photofinish. There it was, in a convenient boxed set at $15.00 over the normal price for the addition of two other products that I didn’t even know that I needed until I walked in the door. And for my purchase, they gave me a gift valued at $22.00; my biggest addiction, lipstick. Oh yeah, being bad feels oh so good… Thank you, Ulta, thank you. While there, I picked up the world’s best lash curler, brow tech wax, a sample of perfume and some other bibble bobble that I could not live without which was promptly placed in my basket. $90 or so dollars later, I left excited as a schoolgirl to get home and “play” with my purchases.

So, the other day I was cleaning house and went to the bathroom to finally put my new precious babies away in the drawer when I realized there wasn’t any room. What? How can this be? Let me see, if I take out these two shower gels and put them in the shower… Oh, wait…there are already 7 different shower gels there. Well, let me just put them on the back shelf of the tub…oh wait, there are already 4 different bottles of shampoo and conditioner. Okay, well I will just put it in the bath basket… No, no I won’t. You guessed it; the micro-dermabrasion set, various shaving creams, bath salts, sugar scrubs and bath oils are all living there. Fine, I will just put them in the hall closet…this, the closet that currently houses 2 full sets of the skincare line that I use, 5 backup bottles of Bath and Body anti-bacterial hand soaps in various scents, guest soap bars, back up toothbrushes and toothpastes, and 2 HUGE unopened bath baskets I won for enduring some god awful bridal shower at Luau Gardens…scary!

What can I say? I enjoy being a girl…my body is my temple and I pay it the attention that it deserves. Isn’t that what Jesus said or something like that??? I really need to place the blame entirely where it belongs, my mother and her immortal words... “A man does not want an unkempt woman”. See, all her fault.

However, despite my mother’s lack of contrition for her part in all this, I realized that I may need some serious help. I have beauty products in every nook and cranny of my home, my life. I had actually hid some and forgot and then later “found” when they came crashing down on my head when I was cleaning out the office closet. Sensuality Jasmine Vanilla body wash can give a mighty nasty bump on one’s head. Seriously, I could never wash, moisturize, condition or make up myself as much as it would take to use up every product I currently owned. In fact, it is quite possible that if any of these items were purchased on credit, I may still be paying for them.

Hello, my name is Michelle and I am a beauty product-aholic. I have been an addict for nearly 40 years.

Hi Michelle, welcome.

thinspiration

2008-12-16T15:24:00.000-08:00

It is the 7 week count down to my total domination… Even if by some cosmic malfunction of the universe, I happen to lose the challenge, I have still made plans for rewards of my own. After all, I have been a very good girl this year…

Behold my thinspiration dresses and shoes. Yes, Victoria’s Secret and BCBG are just a few of my favorite things. The rest are a secret….shhh.

Finally....

2008-12-12T14:18:00.000-08:00

Sorry I have been neglectful to my blog…it’s a love/hate thing. See, all my relationships are dysfunctional… At least the first step is acknowledging the problem. That’s usually as far as I get with the 12 step approach. After 40 years, not quite sure what the other steps are since I can’t seem to get off of this one. There you go…I acknowledged that problem too.

Anyway, what has happened in the last four weeks…Retail Therapy, Happy Hour, Thanksgiving, Dog Sitting, Baby Shower, and Bout with the Flu? Yep, that’s about it. Trust me; I have saved you all a GREAT deal of time in not writing about all these trivial events. But, I will try to cover Thanksgiving, Dog Sitting and the Baby Shower. You will have to use your imagination for the others.

After years and years of emotionally charged, door slamming, stressful Thanksgiving get togethers, my family has finally gotten to a point (by eliminating the bad elements) where it is something to look forward to. So, it was turkey two ways (smoked and fried). I knew we were off to a good start when I was promptly handed a Bloody Mary when I walked in the door. Do we all know each other or what?? And let me tell you, my BEAUTIFUL cousin Erin makes a mean Bloody Mary. Much turkey and wine were consumed and fun was had by all…Thank you my precious family…I really am thankful for their continual support and love for me. These guys are the best of the bunch!

The family and beautiful Erin...the Bloody Mary Master

The boys on dish duty

The gluttony never ends...

As for the Dog Sitting...Barkley is currently staying with us. As he has put on some pounds, he has been enrolled in Doggie Fat Camp…he thought he was on vacation. His father will barely recognize him and I will be grateful for the weight loss as Barkley is convinced he is a lap dog. Personally, I think he looks like Winston Churchill with a butt-hurt face. Poor little fella looks like he could use a drink or two.

Belly up to the bar Barkley....

Finally, we come to the Baby Shower. Our friend Graham is expecting a daughter in January. Although the situation is unconventional, it is still a reason to celebrate…however; we really don’t need a reason. Breathing and having a pulse would work too. Nothing like a drunken baby shower to welcome the impending new arrival… And boy do we know how to bring it! The baby might as well know what’s in store for her… Daddy’s friends will be mixing the drinks, not changing the diapers. We offer our own unique kind of support.

Tanya's not so subtle hint to Graham to keep his fellas in check

Let the drinks and conversations flow

and flow

A little game of Pin the Pacifier on the Baby

George is loving the game...or maybe most of his Saturday evenings are spent blindfolded in the arms of a lady...

Ready, set...NO!

2008-11-12T16:00:00.000-08:00

Okay…I NEVER put goals on my blog because if I don’t obtained them and I am the only one to know…it’s like I never failed. You know, the whole “if a tree falls in a forest” theory. Plus, I hate to fail at anything. I rarely attempt or take on anything new unless I can guarantee myself that I will succeed.

I have organized a weight loss challenge at work. For $20.00 buy in, you must lose the largest percentage of your body weight by February 4, 2009. The kick off was November 4th and the pot is almost at $500.00. I already have my camera lens picked out when I claim my prize.

Now, I really don’t have a lot of weight to lose. I have been steadily dropping weight over the last few months by changing my eating habits and infrequent yoga sessions. I have a goal of 20 pounds to lose…not too much, but those are the hardest pounds to get off.

So, this is where it gets scary. Because, I am PAINFULLY aware that the only way to lose these last pounds will be an exercise program… And Craig has been suggesting that I take up spinning and even suggested creating a program for me to follow. Really? Why am I not surprised??? Yesterday he gave me an electrolyte sample and in his words, I quote… “Here…so you can use after your next intense workout”. This utter from the lips of a man that sings the praises of three intense workouts a day. I can barely eat three meals a day… I think he should join a support group or a 12 step program; this type of thinking CANNOT be healthy.

Anyway, this all feels like treacherous territory that I am unwilling to venture into… I have no problem working with personal trainers, yoga teachers, fitness instructors, etc….but having people I am close to act in this capacity makes me uncomfortable. Besides, I have the alpha position in a relationship for the first time in my life and I don’t think I want to take orders from him even if it’s for my health or $500.00. Add a few zeros on that figure and I may change my mind. MAYBE.

seoul food

2008-10-27T17:07:00.001-07:00

Our friend Tim occassionally comes to visit us during his work travels. It's his chance to unwind and participate in some mild debauchery; to remember what life was like as a single minded single. I try to come up with a menu that is diverse and completely different from any I have prepared for him. This time around I opted for a Korean menu of Pork and Rib eye Bulgogi, Chicken and Beef Short Rib Kalbi, Korean pancakes, steamed Miso spinach, Kimchi, seasoned tofu, plenty of spice and a disturbing amount of wine...

The meat is grilled and served with lettuce leaves, steamed rice, kimchi and Kochujang (red pepper paste; aka-Korean Ketchup). The Kochujang is sweet and very spicy...we use it on everything. I love a menu that includes plenty of spice and allows me to indulge in Kimchi. Fermented spicy cabbage is not for the faint of heart and now I can add fermented spicy tofu to my list of loves.

The preparation of the meat is a very simple process. I am lucky to have a Korean market in town and they sell the meat already sliced for my purpose. The pork and rib eye are just barely frozen then sliced thin. The short ribs are a HUGE bargin and are sliced thin with the bone in. In most Asian markets you can find the Korean BBQ Bulgogi Marinade already prepared in the jar. For the short ribs and the chicken (boneless, skinless thighs), I place them in a Ziploc bag, pour the marinade over, toss and refrigerate overnight.

For the rib eye and the pork, I went spicy. To the marinade, I added a couple of tablespoons of the Kochujang, mixed well and made a Ziploc bag for each. I prepared this about 3 hours before I planned to cook it and left it at room temperature until I was ready to proceed. I cooked all the meat out on my grill. For the rib eye and pork, I laid down two disposable foil trays directly on the grill and stir fried. And in my usual fashion, I served a HUGE platter loaded with meat...convenient for loading directly to my guests' plates.

Monday

2008-10-20T09:43:00.000-07:00

A good way to start the work week. Happy Monday!

fetish...

2008-10-15T07:25:00.000-07:00

as in shoes. The last you had all seen my toes, they were in dire straights. Swollen, black and blue is not how I usually present my lower digits. To cheer them and me up, I decided to dress them up. Here are my new lovelies. Darling, aren’t they? I think I'm in love...

Prost! Ouch?

2008-10-05T20:07:00.001-07:00

So, Friday marked Oktoberfest and we were ready to get our drink on. Our motley crew consisted of me, Tina, Rick, Tanya, Kevin, Chris, and Sally. Craig was down with the stomach flu...We were joined later by Kelly and Jeff. Of course, there are always a few losers who fail to make the party and YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I will say no more...

As the professional drinkers that you know and love, Tanya and I got there before the doors opened so we could claim the best table. You know, the table near the beer, food, bathrooms and the smoking area.

So, the evening went as it always does....drink beer, eat food, drink more beer, eat more food, dance the chicken dance, drink more beer, down shots of Jaggermeister with a gaggle of lesbians in designer eye wear, dance the polka, drink more beer.

All was going well until the end of the evening... While breaking a sweat on the dance floor, I took a spill on some beer that had been spilled. In fact, when I think back, it was really just a blip on my memory of the evening. After leaving the dance floor and settling back at the table, I somehow found myself in the middle of a fight...man "with chair as weapon" attacks large group, unfortunate me in the middle. Luckily, Chris (the only sober one) grabbed the offender and held him until the law showed up. Finally, the police on hand had something to do besides flirt with women on the way to the bathroom. They quickly hauled off the chair wielding bandit...

It was a good evening and when I arrived at home, I noticed how much my foot was hurting. After I removed my boots, I looked down to see that two of my toes were swollen, bruised and throbbing. How does one tell the difference between sprained and broken toes? Nonetheless, I spent the rest of the weekend with my foot elevated and my toes on ice. Now that's how to party.

Happiness...a full room of beer drinking fun loving people...

This guy was amazing...he's twice my age and moves a hell of alot better than I...

Kevin...smiling in anticipation of the Chicken Dance.

Yummy...and the sauerkraut was so good. I could have eaten a plate full of it...

Tanya and Chris make quite the pair.

Awh...aren't they cute?

Rick is having a great time...although next time, a DD will be planned so another pitcher can be ordered.

What follows is a series of pictures that find Kevin surrounded by a bevy of Lesbians urging his consumption of Jagger shots.

And he lives to tell the tale....

Tina was kind enough to pick up some ginger cookies for her kids. I wonder if she told them where her cookies had been????

A couple of tarts holding a couple of cookies.

A fond farewell to Oktoberfest 2008...it was fun

The only casualty of the night...my two toes.

homage

2008-09-23T14:26:00.000-07:00

Inevitably…as the season changes and the days shorten, I move to pursuits of comfort food, fires and good books. As a child, I remember rainy fall days cooped up in the house. I would head to my room and bury my nose into a book to wait out the weather but would be called out by the aromas coming from the kitchen. Even though times could be rocky in my home, my mother always made wonderful food. My indoctrination into food and cooking was one of diligence and a commitment to the ‘old way’ of doing things.

My great uncle would send her dry chilies from Mexico and as she had always done, my mother would burn her hands as she blanched them in boiling water and delicately removed their skins. If we were lucky to get fresh chilies, she would char them in the oven. My mother was not one to rely on convenience when it came to preparing food. It was one of those funny quirks of my mother’s…. She had two food processors, but chose to ground her chilies and garlic for her Roja sauce in a Molcajete just as my grandmother did.

In our home, the stove would have several pots going at one time. As always, my mom had a huge pot of pinto beans simmering away. Of course, that pot was preceded by the long and arduous process of ‘picking and sorting beans’. My mother would sit me at the kitchen table with two bowls, a bag of dried beans and a paper towel. In small manageable amounts, the beans would be poured on the towel and sifted through to remove any stones or imperfect legumes that happen to find themselves in the bag. One bowl for the undesirables and one bowl for the perfectly picked…It was pointless to take any shortcuts, for my mother would just scoop up my sifted pile, pour it out on the towel and direct me to start over. It was admirable; frustrating, but admirable. And although my mother was far from perfect, she nurtured and loved me through her cooking.

So, in gearing up for autumn, I went looking for some of my favorite recipes and I stumbled across a dog-eared recipe card for my mother’s spaghetti sauce. There it was typed with the new typewriter I received for my birthday. Some ingredients didn’t even make it on the card. There weren’t any instructions either; those were saved to my memory… Hands down, my mother had the best spaghetti sauce I had ever eaten…at least I thought so. I pleaded with her to show me how to make it and on one of those rainy days…we set out to do just that.

First she showed me how to dice an onion; first vertically, then horizontally and finally sliced crosswise. Then she pulled out the head of garlic and placed it in a kitchen towel. She tightly wound the towel and banged it against the counter; like magic, all the cloves separated. Next she grabbed a saucer and pushed down on the garlic cloves; the papery skins loosened and fell off. Since the garlic was small, my mother fearing a trip to the emergency room minced it herself.

The hardest part of this lesson was the dry ingredients. My mother NEVER measured anything. So on that day, I made her pour the ingredients in her hand and I would then take the measuring spoons to determine a quantifiable amount. However, some ingredients remained in their “handful” measurement. Over the course of my lesson she bestowed her hints and tricks; added sugar to cut the acidity of the tomatoes, grated Parmesan cheese to help thicken the sauce; wine added at the end to retain the flavor. This would be my first foray into writing recipes.

I always thought that one day, my mother and I would be in my kitchen preparing food, but that day never came. I often find myself in the kitchen wondering what she would think of my cooking, would she be proud, would she recognize that I still follow her instruction? And when I prepare lentils, I take out two bowls and a paper towel and head to the kitchen table.

friday

2008-09-19T18:19:00.000-07:00

It's about time... Dinner, is poured.

fig-ment part deux

2008-09-16T11:55:00.000-07:00

For some reason, lamb has become a ghost in the city... I couldn’t find a leg of lamb to save my life. All my usual haunts were out, weren’t on order or were taken off the order list. I thought that veal was the only politically volatile meat. Perhaps things have changed… However, once I get an idea in my head, I cannot rest until I can see it through. So, lack of lamb required a journey to Whole Foods. Unfortunately, I don’t live anywhere near one…actually, that could be a good thing. They don’t call it Whole Paycheck for nothing… So, lamb and fig skewers were on the menu.

Grilled Lamb and Fig Skewers

For mint-pepper glaze:
2/3 cup apricot jam
1/3 cup pomegranate syrup
1/3 cup red wine vinegar
1 tablespoon red pepper flakes
1 tablespoon finely grated lemon zest (from about 1 lemon)
1/4 cup fresh mint, chopped

For lamb:
1 tablespoon cumin powder
1 tablespoon coriander powder
3 pounds boneless leg of lamb, fat trimmed, cut into 1-inch cubes
12 fresh figs, halved vertically
1/4 cup olive oil
4 medium cloves garlic, minced
1 tablespoon kosher salt
1 tablespoon freshly coarse-ground black pepper

Make mint-pepper glaze
In small saucepan over moderate heat, stir together jam, vinegar, red pepper flakes, and lemon zest. Bring to boil, then lower heat to low and simmer, uncovered, stirring occasionally, until slightly thickened, about 10 minutes. Remove from heat and allow to cool 5 minutes. Stir in mint and set aside.

Prepare grill for cooking
If using charcoal grill, open vents on bottom, then light charcoal. Charcoal fire is medium-hot when you can hold your hand 5 inches above rack for 4 to 5 seconds. If using gas grill, preheat burners on high with hood closed 10 minutes, then turn down to moderately high.

Prep lamb
In large bowl, toss together lamb, figs, and olive oil. Add garlic, ground cumin and coriander, salt, and pepper, and toss gently to combine. Thread lamb cubes and figs onto skewers.

Grill lamb
Cook lamb to slightly less than desired doneness (cubes will continue to cook after being removed from grill), turning once and brushing with glaze during last 30 seconds of grilling on each side, about 4 minutes per side for medium-rare.

We served our skewers with a green salad dressed with a balsamic dressing, slivered almonds and crumbled goat cheese. With whole wheat pita bread and hummus on the side.

baked

2008-09-11T09:30:00.000-07:00

We had some company on Saturday night and I didn’t feel like making one of those meals that required all items to be timed perfectly with lavish presentation. I had just been to a baby shower luncheon and really just wanted to take a nap. So, I went retro…casserole. I have a recipe for baked ziti that seems to be a hit.

Baked Ziti with Tomatoes and Spinach

½ pound of sweet Italian sausage, casings removed (preferably pork)
½ pound of hot Italian sausage casings removed (preferably pork)
1 medium onion chopped
4 cloves of garlic minced
28 ounce can of peeled and diced tomatoes with juice (I use Muir Glen)
4 ounces of prepared pesto sauce
Marsala wine

1 pound of freshly cooked penne or ziti pasta (I used whole wheat)
6-10 ounces of spinach leaves
8-ounces of cubed mozzarella cheese
1 cup of grated Parmesan cheese (about 3 ounces)

Heave heavy large saucepan over medium high heat. Sauté onion and garlic until soft; add sausage and cooked thoroughly, breaking up meat with back of spoon, about 10 minutes. Add tomatoes and juices to pan. Simmer until sauce thickens slightly, stirring occasionally, about 10 minutes. Stir in pesto. Season with salt and pepper. Add Marsala wine to taste to cut the acidity of the tomatoes

Preheat oven to 375 º. Lightly oil 13 x 9-inch glass baking dish. Combine pasta, spinach, mozzarella and 1/3 cup of Parmesan cheese in a large bowl. Stir in hot tomato sauce. Transfer mixture to prepared baking dish. Sprinkle remaining 2/3 Parmesan cheese over. Bake until sauce bubbles and cheeses melt, about 20 minutes.

hopeless

2008-09-05T13:00:00.000-07:00

Okay…I need a laugh to end the work week. Tanya and I decided to go get a couple of slices for lunch. We work downtown, so the majority of parking consists of parallel action. I have many talents (varying degrees of expertise); cooking, photography, writing, entertaining. Parallel parking however, is not one of them. Somewhere near my 80th adjustment to get myself in the spot, Tanya compared me to Austin Powers. That was it…. I completely lost it and laughed so hard that no noise escaped. I just shook... It was utterly painful and hilarious. She actually had to get out of the car to direct my 81st attempt. Apparently, we could take this act on the road as we were providing much comic relief to the passersby.

Need a cake baked, I’m your girl. You need a picture taken, I am your girl. You need me to write you a research paper, I’m your girl. You need to plan a birthday party, I’m your girl.

You need me to parallel park, you might want to consider public transportation

fig-ment of my imagination

2008-09-02T12:41:00.000-07:00

Well, this whole ‘fig’ crop that we were the lucky recipients of, required me to do a little fig research. Do I want to make preserves? Do I want to make tapenade? Do I want to grill them with lamb? Do I just want to sit down with my lovely little fig friends and a log of goat cheese and just devour??? For the first part of my fig fantasy, I opted to make pizza…

Fig and Goat Cheese Pizza

Ball of pizza dough (I picked up a whole wheat one at Trader Joes)
Extra virgin olive oil and unsalted sweet butter
1-clove of garlic
2-sweet onions (Maui, Vidalia, etc) sliced crosswise
½ log of goat cheese
12-16 fresh figs (preferably Black Mission) sliced in half lengthwise
2-thin pieces of Proscuitto sliced in chiffonade style
chiffonade of fresh basil

Preheat oven to 450

Slice the onions. In a heavy bottom pan, heat 2 tablespoons of butter and two tablespoons of olive oil over medium low heat. Sauté the onions until caramelized, approximately 20-30 minutes. Turn as needed.

Crush garlic clove and add 2 tablespoons of olive oil. Mix well to incorporate the garlic into the oil.

Allow the dough to rest at room temperature on a floured surface for 20 minutes. Roll dough out to a 12-inch diameter. Place on pizza stone in oven for 5-7 minutes to lightly crisp the crust.

Remove the crust from the oven and brush with garlic olive oil. Crumble goat cheese and spread onions over crust. Add the figs and proscuitto over the cheese and onions.

Bake pizza an additional 10-15 minutes or until crust is golden brown. Allow pizza to sit at room temperature for 5 minutes and add fresh basil before serving

bounty

2008-09-01T13:52:00.000-07:00

During these summer months, Craig's bike rides run the river route on the Delta. Into Clarksburg, 5 miles outside of Sacramento, you will find wineries and breezy Delta living. Lucky for me, Craig has discovered a couple of Black Mission Fig trees and has come home with figs in hand. We aren't sure if they are technically on someone's property...but I think the only crime we would be guilty of is allowing those figs to die on the tree, never to be enjoyed....

interpretation

2008-08-28T12:18:00.000-07:00

I found one of the doves outside last night and I couldn't interpret what this look meant...

But, I think I know what this one meant....

"You've killed my child, prepare to die..."

Images of the Hitchcock film, The Birds flashed in my mind. I opted to go inside.

tomatoes

2008-08-21T10:14:00.000-07:00

We planted tomatoes this spring and our crop is finally producing mass quantities…we can barely keep up. And, we should have some tomatillos in the next month…perfect for making my Posole. With our recent harvest, I made some good use of my tomatoes. First off I made some Pico de Gallo which I could eat right out of the bowl. For dinner last night, we had Roasted Trout. Summer may not be my favorite season, but it’s my favorite time of year for produce.

Pico de Gallo

1 pound plum tomatoes, seeded, chopped
1 cup chopped onion
6 tablespoons (packed) chopped fresh cilantro
1/4 cup fresh lime juice
2 large garlic cloves, minced
1 1/4 tablespoons minced seeded jalapeño chilies
Extra Virgin Olive Oil

Combine all ingredients in medium bowl; toss to blend well. Drizzle olive oil to taste to add richness. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Let stand at least 30 minutes for flavors to develop.

Roasted Trout with Tomatoes, Shiitake Mushrooms and Ginger

Nonstick cooking spray
2 whole rainbow trout (about 12 ounces each), cleaned, boned, butterflied

2 green onions, chopped
2 large fresh shiitake mushrooms, stemmed, caps thinly sliced
1/2 cup chopped seeded tomatoes
2 teaspoons minced peeled fresh ginger
2 garlic cloves, minced
4 teaspoons Ponzu
2 teaspoons dark roasted sesame oil
Fresh cilantro sprigs

Preheat oven to 400°F. Line large rimmed baking sheet with foil; coat with nonstick spray. Sprinkle fish with salt and pepper. Open fish like a book and arrange, skin side down, on prepared baking sheet.

Mix next 5 ingredients in bowl. Sprinkle mixture over fish, drizzle with the Ponzu and sesame oil, then top with cilantro sprigs. Bake uncovered until fish is opaque in center, about 20 minutes.

Unnatural

2008-08-19T12:13:00.000-07:00

So this weekend, we headed to my cousin Tina’s house for a BBQ. She lives some 40 miles from me in the foothills of Northern California. For fun, Craig decided to cycle and meet me there. Let me repeat that…

FOR FUN…Craig decided to cycle and meet me there. Whatever...

FOR FUN…I decided to drive there with cocktail ingredients in hand; Absolut Citron,Triple Sec and lemons.

Once I arrived, I immediately took possession of the martini shaker and proceeded to knock out a few drinks. Cocktails happily in hand, we joined the fellas (my cousin’s husband Rick and their friend Larry) in the living room. For some reason, they were watching a 10 year old James Bond movie. You know, the one where Denise Richards was the nuclear physicist named Christmas Snow. Or was it the one with some other hot chick cast as the brainiac. Does it even matter?

As the drinks continued, we made our way to the pool and chatted while the guys cooled off with a swim. At some point, Tina and I headed back to the kitchen to skewer kabobs and make more drinks… Eventually, Larry’s wife Susie showed up and she was promptly handed a martini. She had some catching up to do.

The guys joined us back in the house and we all started to wonder when Craig would make it up here…and then we saw him coming down the hill. So, all of us liquor lubricated nuts made our way outside to jump up and cheer. Kind of a low-rent Tour De France… The guys went up to welcome Craig and commented; “You look so…bicycle-y.”

When we settled down to eat dinner, my 70 year old aunt joined us. And since the rest of us were in such good “spirits”, she quickly picked up on our energy. However, at some point, the topic of sex came up and my aunt made sexual comments about her daughter and son-in-law (Tina and Rick) and then asked some sex question of Rick. And then there were some other gnarly sex words that came out of her mouth but all I could see were her lips moving in slow motion...

(Insert index fingers into ears and shake your head back and forth while chanting, “LA LA LA LA LA LA LA”…LOUDLY.)

I looked at my aunt and said calmly, “You need to stop talking now. And no more vodka for you…You have lost your dinner talking privileges.”

If you ever need to sober up…QUICKLY, just have your parents or someone in that age vicinity attempt some sex banter. It’s against the laws of nature…

Tanya

2008-08-15T10:13:00.000-07:00

As many of you know…I have had the sincere pleasure of having Tanya as my cubicle neighbor at work for nearly two years. And in that time, she has become one of my dearest friends; the source of a guaranteed laugh on those rough days. She’s been gunning for a promotional position and was offered and ultimately accepted a promotion to work in a city an hour outside where we live. And although I am totally thrilled that she got the job she wanted, I have been in a bit of denial that she won’t be a part of my “everyday life”. And I have bigger issues than just her lack of presence…

Who is going to partner with me in our utter contempt of Brangelina…okay, mostly just Angelina because we are still on Team Jen (even though we are still confused about the whole John Mayer thing)?

Who am I going to obsess with at 8:00 in the morning about our lunch plans? It does after all; take SEVERAL hours to decide what we will do. Because THIS is the most important decision of any day… We once spent the greater part of a day trying to find a restaurant that served authentic German potato dumplings. Doesn’t everyone? (By the way, we are still looking)

Who else other than me thinks that when people are whispering within earshot, they MUST be talking about us? Isn’t it ALWAYS about us?

Who else, other than me believes that every shampoo, hair serum, conditioner, gel, whatever purchased is going to magically turn our natural curly, frizzy hair into that of the “Oh, Great Evil One”…that bitch, Angelina. It never happens, but we continue to purchase our little “bottles of hope” despite our track record. Damn you Angie!!!

Who am I going to share all of my Jerry Lee and Nadine stories and have the other person actually show interest? Most people give me the standard patronizing, “Oh wow, really?” Kind of the same response I give when people tell me stories about their children. Brutal honesty.

And on the topic of children, who else other than me finds it completely reasonable that there be segregation of adults and children for almost every activity (especially Disneyland)? As we have both said, our tubes tie themselves on the first note of a child’s wail. Why pretend? After all, Tanya is my only friend that was selfless enough to not ruin MY social life by having a child. Thank you.

Who else, other than me, wants to kidnap David Duchovny and hold him as our personal sex slave for eternity, or until the novelty wears off…whatever comes first.

Who else, other than me, thinks vodka is a food group? Shut up…yes it is!

Who else other than me thinks the most perfect evening consists of sitting our ass, with our dogs, on the sofa, a TiVo fully loaded with Forensic Files and a cocktail in hand?

Who else other than me can find the humor in almost ever situation and in some situations where perhaps we should not…? Unless the situation is detrimental to us…then, not so funny.

And, there are very few people other than Tanya that can completely relate to my relationship with my dysfunctional parents (especially our contentious relationships with our mothers), always listen, never judge and make me laugh despite the utter seriousness of the situation. She is part of a network of friends that have filled in those family relationship gaps and created a family that is there of choice, not obligation.

So, it is with great sadness that I accept the inevitable…